Beautiful

I am posting so infrequently. There's a lot on my mind, from school to family, to friends, to God, etc. I applied for leadership with IV and was offered a position, but I'm still in the process of praying about whether or not to accept it. Karen has graciously understood this and told me not to worry about making a decision and to simply listen to God. I got chosen as an alternate for a CA/RA position, which is good and bad I suppose. School work is stressing me out. In fact, I'm stressed about a lot of things and I think sometimes I am easy to hold myself to the world's standards, especially the standards of my family and friends, rather than allow myself grace. It's so very difficult to learn to do this. I am really working on putting my identity in Christ and not in people.

I found this song by Bethany Dillon that I think pretty much sums up how I feel...

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep
'cause I cannot keep their attention

I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful
Make You stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear You say
who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

I want to be beautiful
Make You stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear You say
who I am is quite enoughJust want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart,
and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love
and beautiful

Rest

I go constantly. I know I do. There isn't any denying it or pretending that it doesn't happen. From the time I get out of bed in the morning until my head hits the pillow, I am usually going about 100 miles an hour. And even when I am sitting down, like in class or at a meal, my thoughts, at least, are still racing and usually I am fidgeting and antsy until I can move around again. But mostly it's not the physical moving around and busy days, it's the emotional and mental craziness that is my life.

I got a pamphlet thingy from the IV office entitled Silence and Solitude. The title alone was enough to "scare" me. I don't like to think about my life minus the craziness or what it would look like to give myself a break. Robert Howe came to IV last week and talked about the Sabbath. I have a really hard time with the Sabbath because the way it was first presented to me was as a list of rules (this was not Robert's talk, however), and rules, although I like the structure they bring, are very stressful because rules get broken and that equals disorder and chaos and a failure to live up to something. The other problem with the Sabbath is that I have this notion that the world will inevitably stop turning and things will fall apart if I am not holding everything together every second of every day. That's not true, and somewhere I know that it's not...but I also like the idea, however false it may be, that I have some control over whether or not things fall apart.

Anyway, Robert talked about how the Sabbath is a celebration. In Ezekiel it also says: "Moreover, I gave them My Sabbaths, as a sign between Me and them, that they might know that I am the Lord who sanctifies them." -Ezekiel 20:12

Hebrews says this:
"The promise of entering His rest still stands...let us therefore strive to enter that rest." -Hebrews 1,11

I realized that by assuming that I needed to be busy every day of the week in order that nothing would fall apart, I was saying to God that I didn't believe He was sovereign and powerful, almighty and perfect. I was basically saying that He needed me to help Him out. Learning to rest is hard. Learning to rest is humbling. Learning to rest is renewing. Learning to rest is something we are called to do.

Psalm 23:3 says: "He restores my soul." It doesn't say I can restore my own soul. It doesn't say that my soul will restore itself; it doesn't say that things of this world will restore my soul. God will. God is faithful and merciful and He calls us to sit at His feet and celebrate the gift He gives us of rest for our crazy lives.

We Pray for the Children

This has been my favorite poem since I was in fourth grade. It's been on my heart a lot lately, and I decided to post it.

We pray for the children:
who put chocolate fingers everywhere,
who like to be tickled,
who stomp in puddles and ruin their new pants,
who sneak popsicles before supper,
who erase holes in math workbooks,
who can never find their shoes.

And we pray for those:
who stare at photographers from behind barbed wire,
who can't bound down the street in a new pair of sneakers,
who have never had crayons to count,
who are born in places where we wouldn't be caught dead,
who never go to the circus,
who live in an X-rated world.

We pray for the children:
who bring us sticky kisses and fistfuls of dandelions,
who sleep with the dog and bury the goldfish,
who hug us in a hurry and forget their lunch money,
who cover themselves in Band-Aids and sing off-key,
who squeeze toothpaste all over the sink,
who slurp their soup.

And we pray for those:
who never get dessert,
who have no safe blanket to drag behind them,
who watch their parents watch them die,
who can't find any bread to steal,
who don't have any rooms to clean up,
whose pictures aren't on anybody's dresser,
whose monsters are real.

We pray for children:
who spend all their allowance before Tuesday,
who throw tantrums in the grocery store and pick at their food,
who like ghost stories,
who shove dirty clothes under the bed,
who never rinse the tub,
who get visits from the tooth fairy,
who don't like to be kissed in front of the carpool,
who squirm in church and scream in the phone,
who tears we sometimes laugh at,
and whose smiles can make us cry.

And we pray for those:
whose nightmares come in the daytime,
who will eat anything,
who have never seen a dentist,
who aren't spoiled by anybody,
who go to bed hungry and cry themselves to sleep,
who live and move, but have no being.

We pray for children:
who want to be carried and for those who must,
who we never give up on,
and for those who don't get a second chance.
For those we smother...
and for those who will grab the hand of anybody kind enough to offer it.

We pray for the children.

Wait Training

I like the idea of "wait training." It's this idea that I got from FCA about how we have to really practice waiting on God and allowing His timing to control our lives. We honestly live in a world of drive-throughs, of instant oatmeal and of speedy conveniences. (And believe me, I am just as attached to having my weather pop up on Google every morning...) Everything these days is so accessible, readily available. God is the most readily available, but often His timing doesn't line up exactly with ours. And that's when we get frustrated. We're interested in momentary satisfaction, in instant gratification. Whether we're ready for God to answer a prayer or to make a clear statement of direction in our lives, we want to hear Him and we want to hear Him NOW.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths." -Proverbs 3:5-6 (ESV)

Here's an example: the story of Jacob and Esau. Esau "came in from the field, and he was exhausted. And Esau said to Jacob, "Let me eat some of that red stew, for I am exhausted." Jacob said, "Sell me your birthright now." Esau said, "I am about to die; of what use is a birthright to me?'" (Genesis 25: 29-32, ESV) Esau needed momentary gratification. He wasn't interested in the long-term consequences of what he chose to do. We have this saying that we use from the speaker at Cornerstone: "Don't touch the red stuff," which refers to the stew that Jacob was cooking. I was thinking the other day about the example of dating, but I had to relate it to something more concrete so I used money. Here's what I thought about...and this might not make any sense at all...Okay, so imagine if God held up a ten dollar bill and said to you, "You can have this ten dollar bill right now, or I can promise you that in five years, if you don't take the ten dollars now, you can have a million dollars." I wanted to relate this to other things in life, to waiting for God's best and not settling for anything less. Here's the difference, though. God doesn't hold up the five-years-from-now option. We see the here and now, and we don't see what is offered in the future. And I think that might be why it's so hard to wait for God's timing and to not settle for anything less than the best God has in store for us.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight." -2 Corinthians 5:7, ESV

Second, I'm going to look at the story of Lazarus. (John 11) Mary tells Jesus that Lazarus is ill, but Jesus stays where he is (out of town, basically) for two extra days. Lazarus dies, but Jesus raises him from the dead. Here comes Jesus, days late, but He's still on time. God's timing is always perfect.

The last thing I wanted to look at is from Mark chapter 1. There are a lot of references to time in this chapter, and in the ESV translation, the word "immediately" appears again and again. But basically, Jesus is going around doing some pretty incredible things, from preaching the gospel to telling Simon and Andrew to follow Him, to casting demons out of a man, to healing Simon's mother-in-law, Mary, to cleansing a leper. But in the middle of all of that, He takes time off by himself to pray. Simon and the others are freaking out because everyone wants to see Jesus, and here's Jesus hanging out with God and praying. I think it's interesting because I don't think Jesus really needed to go off somewhere to talk to God, because He was God, so His connection to the Father is inherent. I think He did this, a) to demonstrate to us the importance for rest and solitude and constant communication with God and b) to exemplify this idea of God's timing. If God wasn't ready for Jesus to continue healing people and ministering to everyone, then Jesus would wait.

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" -Psalm 27:14 (ESV)

Amazing Grace

I went to see Amanzing Grace, the movie, with Laura Jo last night. The movie was outstanding, though they never sang the entire hymn the whole way through. At the end, though, the hymn is played by bagpipes, and even though I didn't cry during any of the movie, I started crying while the bagpipes played. The movie, again, was outstanding, and I highly, highly, highly recommend it. The movie showed me a bunch of different things that I don't always think about enough. 1) Abraham Lincoln ended slavery in the United States, but years before that, thanks to the dedication and perseverance of a few individuals who were willing to stand up for what they believed, the slave trade was outlawed. 2) Slavery is something that repulses me completely, as it does most of us. But the truth is that there is such a thing as modern-day slavery, and if nothing else, we ought to be praying for those fellow human beings who are oppressed and controlled by others.

Here are a few quotations from the movie that I especially liked:
-after two young men race across a field, they start to walk back toward the house. "Why is it that thorns only hurt when you stop running?"

-the same two young men are talking about climbing the ranks in parliament and making a difference:

"No one of our age [has ever done it]."

"Which is why we're too young to realize that some things are impossible."

-"Although my memory is fading, I remember two things very clearly. I am a great sinner and Christ is a great savior."

Joy

Joy is not the absence of pain, but the presence of God.

All for Love's Sake Became Poor

I'm sitting under an overpass, between the clay earth and the concrete that comprises the bridge. There are four other students around me and a volunteer. The man we're talking to is homeless. He's a little intoxicated and so his speech is slurred. I'm only catching about 90% of what he's saying. All of his earthly possessions surround him and the smell of alcohol fills the air. It's maybe ten o'clock at night. We've brought him a hot meal and some snacks, but what he really wants, I soon realize is just some company. So we listen. And we talk. We talk about God, about mistakes, about life. Cars whiz by overhead and he looks at me. "Do you believe in God?" "Yes," I tell him. "Do you love me?" "Yes," I tell him, "because God has loved me and has taught me how to love." I wanted to tell him that everything would be okay. That tomorrow would surely be better. But I realized that this sort of hope can only come from faith in Jesus Christ, from the truth that "our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all" (2 Cor. 4:17). How do you explain to someone who has nothing and is lonely that God can and will provide...how do you tell them to believe in something that they don't see evidence of?

I was frustrated. The best way to explain this frustration is to use a metaphor. The board game Monopoly. All twenty-something of us GUPYs got into small groups on Saturday night and played Monopoly. There were three rules: 1) regular Monopoly rules apply; 2) you cannot quit, you can lose, but you can't quit; 3) whatever the "leader" (four staff workers, one for each group) says, goes. Basically, what happened was that three of us only got a few dollars when we passed GO, while the others got $500 or something. The "privileged" people could build houses on properties, even if they didn't have the complete set; they could build double hotels on their properties, and buy hotels for merely the price of a house. The rest of us were "taxed" at random times, and quickly lost our money either to the "system" or to the wealthier players. In the game, I was at a disadvantage and quickly wanted to give up. I was tired of not being able to take a step forward...like the cartoon characters who run on the rug that just piles up behind them, I got nowhere. Meanwhile, the privileged players were asking why we didn't just "try harder." As though the roll of the dice was in our control, as though the system actually noticed whether we tried or not.
But in real life, I was left wondering why I was one who got more when I passed GO...why others got so little...

King of all days, Oh so highly exalted
Glorious in Heaven above
Humbly, You came to the earth You created
All for love's sake became poor.

At GUPY, I re-learned about Reconciliation, Redistribution and Relocation. Christ is the ultimate example of these three. In coming to earth, He gave up His place in Heaven to become man. He would experience pain, temptation, suffering, etc. That's serious relocation, and all for the sake of reconciling us to God the Father. As for us, the Gospel is worth whatever the cost is for us to follow Christ's example. I'm still trying to digest everything from GUPY, so I'll try to post some more later.

Isaiah 55:10-12

For as the rain and the snow come
down from heaven
and do not return there but water the
earth,
making it bring forth and sprout,
giving seed to the sower and bread to
the eater,
so shall my word be that goes out from
My mouth
it shall not return to Me empty,
but it shall accomplish that which I
purpose,
and shall succeed in the thing for
which I sent it.

For you shall go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and the hills before you
shall break forth into singing,
and all the trees of the field shall clap
their hands.

-Isaiah 55:10-12 (ESV)

What should I be doing right now: studying

What should I NOT be doing right now: blogging

But I am anyway. Because life can wait. I think I've finally gotten tired of being in a hurry All the Time. But the way I feel doesn't mean that I'm going to suddenly slow down at life. I haven't figured out How to do That yet.

Marshall asked me to truly consider doing GUPY (Greensboro Urban Project, Y'all) this summer. But the truth is, I know there's no way we can afford that. David asked why I didn't just take a leap of faith and trust that God would provide... I want to trust very badly that, if this is where God wants me, that I would be able to make that sort of commitment without knowing where the money would come from, but it's still A LOT of money. It's a lot of money I don't have and a lot of money, in general. I've actually been thinking about GUPY a lot, and for Marshall to approach me tonight made me really wonder just what it is I'm supposed to do this summer...

I go back to that Urbana quote about taking risks:
"We think we're hearing God say 'no' but really, He's saying 'Just go ahead and take the leap of faith, you'll be amazed at the ways in which I come through.'"

Cornerstone

Do you ever think about the fact that we were created for eternity, reader? I do. Well, I've been thinking about it a lot since Friday night at Cornerstone. What if we didn't live to make it past the next test, or to make it through today, or to graduate from college? What if we lived with the constant belief that we were created for eternity? I wonder in what ways we would look differently in our day-to-day lives...

Cornerstone was really hard for me but completely awesome all at once. I danced and enjoyed it, but it was also hard, especially on Saturday night and Sunday morning, when we finished worship after we heard the talks. The talk, especially the one on Sunday, really got to me. Mark talked about how we are broken, how God wants to heal us, but we have to be receptive to that. He also said that when we come into a relationship with God, we don't bring assets to the relationship. We bring liabilities. So, when I got up to dance, I was nearly in tears and trying hard not to cry in front of everyone. That was a little weird. We talked about a lot of stuff at Cornerstone that I'm still trying to process, but the big thing for me was re-realizing that I was created for eternity, not for a moment. There is this song by Justin Christian that I really like, and here are a couple lines that really speak to me everytime I hear them:
"Raise your head above this muddy mire
And see a better day.
Please don't despair,
'Cause you were born for brighter lights
Than this whole world could ever bear."

Imagine if you lived as though you knew that you were born for bigger things than this world could ever contain! How cool is that!?

A Crayon as a Metaphor...

"For me, I suppose the greatest change came in understanding the power of being broken. It had taken a while for me to realize that the breaking was not God's discipline but His blessing. What a paradox: Our blessing lay in our breaking. Yes that's what it was. Oh, I still had my battles, believe me, but from that day of giving up and being broken, something had changed. I was freer, I was able to serve less fearfully, less self-conciously. And, broken, there was more of me to give and share with others. " -When the Last Leaf Falls

"More people get to use a crayon when it's broken." -Laura Jo pointed that out to me tonight at Coffee House and it got me thinking...and I wonder how many of us have experienced that...the realization that in our brokenness, we become more usable to others. We can share, empathize, whatever...but our brokenness helps us relate to them. Crayons are only so good when they're whole, because only one person can use them. But when they're broken, it's not as "nice" to be sure, but more people stand to gain something. And so too, our brokeness is painful, but we are able to give of ourselves to others. (maybe that doesn't make any sense...)

I think we all have these struggles that we go through-- that break us, strengthen us, tear us apart, bring us to tears, cause us pain and heartache, whatever. Whatever it is, it hurts. We've all been there and we'll all be there again, no doubt. Rick Warren, at Urbana 2006, said that God never wastes a hurt...that God will make your greatest weakness your greatest strength. Basically, the thing that tears you up inside, will be the thing that will help you relate to others. Praise the Lord that this is true. Something good can come out of something painful and hard. And the pain does subside. In some cases, the pain subsides and we move on. Other times, the pain is apparent daily and the process of being restored by God is a daily one. It's a process of forgiveness, accepting God's grace and forgiveness and forgiving yourself as well; it's a process of prayer, of frustration and anxiety as you await results; it's a process of support from friends and encouragement as you heal and learn what it means to live in spite of what happened. It's a process of realizing that, in your darkest moments, God never left; in your hurt, God does not abandon you; in your brokenness, God is ready to heal.

"Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen." -2 Corinthians 4:16-18

God never wastes a hurt.

Worship

So, I've been dancing all my life. I danced for about fifteen years before coming to college, and then I stopped. But that's not the point of this post. The point is that I've been involved in the dance ministry with IV at UNCG, and sometimes I get so frustrated because I don't feel like when we dance in front of people that it comes across as worship. Even if I go into it with my heart set on worshipping God, and not on the people watching me, I feel like it still comes across to them as a performance. I've been trying desperately to figure out how to reconcile this because the last thing I want is for people to feel like I am looking to perform or get their praise.

And I realized, as I continue reading Unceasing Worship (long overdue to be back in the IV Office...), that I am putting worship into a box that is opened during IV, maybe during small group, and during church. It's the other times in my daily life that I'm forgetting that worship ought to be a lifestyle. "Authentic worship is continuous outpouring summed up in personal holiness...the Christian needs to hear but one call to worship and offer only one response." (Unceasing Worship)

"Authentic worship and continuous outpouring are to be undertaken by faith, driven by love, designed by hope and saturated with truth, whatever the context, time and place." (Unceasing Worship)

And as I prepare, choreograph and learn dances for Cornerstone, I wonder what it would look like, if those of us who are "supposed" to dance didn't choreograph ahead of time, but simply moved as the Spirit led us. Would other people feel more comfortable to worship in new ways? What would it look like for everyone in the room to be moving (or not) according, not to whether they felt comfortable doing so, but rather according to how movement became or could be worship for them?

"Worship is a voluntary act of gratitude offered by the saved to the Savior, by the healed to the Healer, and by the delivered to the Deliverer. And if you and I can go days without feeling and urge to say "thank you" to the One who saved, healed and delivered us, then we'd do well to remember what He did." (Max Lucado, In the Eye of the Storm)

It's not that a choreographed piece is therefore NOT worship; it's just not moving according to how God is speaking to you, because it's preconceived. Don't get me wrong; even when I am "performing" (and I can't think of a better word, but I hate using that word in this context) a choreographed piece, I am worshipping. I'm just not sure that it a) comes across as worship and b) is inviting to those who feel led to move, dance, jump, etc in a way that would allow people to step out of their comfort zones.

The more I think, pray and understand, the more I feel like, if we are to worship as a community of believers, it seems there needs to be a different way than choreographing every piece ahead of time. If only I could truly articulate this well to other people...

Thought for Today and Every Day

"Everything is necessary that He sends. Nothing can be necessary that He withholds."
-Isaac Newton, author of "Amazing Grace"

Blessings in Abundance

So, the kidney stones have made their presence known once again. For the last few months, they've hurt occassionally, like a quick, at most thirty-second, twinge of pain, but nothing like the last thirty two hours or so. Sunday night, I realized that I was experiencing THE pain again. THE pain that sent me to the ER last time. THE pain that is unlike anything else I've ever experienced. THE pain that the doctor said is avoidable in the future if I drink 6-10 liters of water per day (do you know how much that is, reader? I'd pretty much be going to the bathrom constantly!) But anyway, I felt really bad Sunday night, but I took some pain medication, which only served to make me dizzy, nauseous and a little loopy. But through the pain, God has proved to me once again that my friends embody and live out Christian community. Do you, O reader, have friends like these? Friends who will see you through the pain to the end, without regard for themselves?

I can't remember exactly why or how the idea came about, except that I returned from a trip to the bathroom (one of many, to be sure), to hear David tell me that they (he, Eric, Amanda #2, and KVP) were going to take turns staying up with me all night. I announced, however falsely, that I hated Christian Community, at that moment. I hate letting people do stuff for me; it's a common characteristic among our group...we call it "robbing someone of a blessing." (As a side note, I think the community that comes out of the bonds we share through Christ is invaluable and amazing, and these two semesters have showed me just what it means to be a member, both a receiving and a giving member of that community.) But anyway, David and KVP took the first shift; David reading The Chronicles of Narnia, me lying on the couch in the basement of our building... I was pretty much chugging the water. In fact, my body now expects constant hydration. So, I had to use the restroom every five to fifteen minutes, and the pain was dull and constant, but would occassionally flare up. But through it all, they were there. Holding my hands, praying, reading, pacing, or whatever. But mostly, I think, they just wanted me to feel better.

It was quite the night. I don't remember much, except that I drank A LOT of Water, and went to the bathroom more, and faded in and out of sleep.

The update is that everyone has been praying for me, for something to change. And today, I woke up, still in a fair amount of pain, but by lunchtime I was feeling a little better and after my 2pm class, I felt pretty good. There are still occassional twinges of pain, where I squirm a little because the feeling that shoots through my body is uncomfortable to say the least. But Praise the Lord, because I can function again. He is faithful and wonderful, and has provided not only solace from the pain, and prayerful support from those around me, but amazing friends to see me through as well. God is good.

Blessed...so blessed

This week has been really eye-opening for me in many ways. On Wednesdays, Grace Community Church serves dinner to between 150 and 200 homeless people. This was my first week volunteering to serve dinner. I went, mostly because I'd heard about it, and I had really been affected by the soup-kitchen experience I had this summer in California. I had no idea, though, that I would be so affected by my experience at Grace. Maybe it was the children who have no where to call home. Maybe it was the gracious looks from the adults. Maybe it was the frigid weather outside. Maybe it was the realization that it wasn't just the food, or the warm building, but the love that we could offer through Jesus that might affect these people. I don't know what it was, but I was in tears by the end of the night. In tears because I had a warm place to lay my head, hot meals at school three times a day, and in general more material things than I needed, more blessings than I could count. I want to go back...because I don't want to stay in the college-bubble, of believing that I am "poor" or that I am not well-off or blessed. Because I am. And I praise God that my heart longs for these people to be blessed and to know Christ. I am grateful that my heart broke for these people, and I want it to continue to break because the need remains, and to ignore it or pretend it doesn't exist because it's too heart breaking is not what God calls us to do.

On Thursday night at InterVarsity, we talked about Silence. About how little time we spend in silence, and how we are looking for God to speak in a booming voice. And maybe, in doing so, we miss the whisper. Max Lucado puts it: "Because we look for the bonfire, we miss the candle. Because we listen for the shout, we miss the whisper. But it is in burnished candles that God comes, and through whispered promises that He speaks, 'When you doubt, look around; I am closer than you think.'" I am terrible with silence, or quiet time. I do spend time in the word and in prayer, but I think there's this idea of meditation that I'm missing. I have a tendency to fill up my schedule beyond belief, leaving no time for downtime. I don't want the thoughts in my head to flood my mind and overwhelm me. It's easier to be constantly busy than to deal with things that are hard, painful or uncomfortable. Zephaniah 3:17 says:
"The LORD your God is in your midst,
a mighty one who will save;
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing."

The story of Elijah from 1 Kings is something we touched on during IV: (1 Kings 19:11-13)

The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.

This question was posed: "Is it possible that you've been searching for God in the winds, the earthquakes and fires and He's waiting to speak to you in the silence?

Jesus says in Matthew 11: "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden in light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

I am guilty of always needing to be around people or of always needing to have noise. I walk around campus with my iPod in my ears. David actually called me out on it, telling me it makes me seem inaccessible/unapproachable. He said it's like having a big sign on my forehead that says, "Leave me alone." And he's right. I am not trying to be inaccessible, it's just my method for destressing. But yeah, so I'm going to work on that.

Last night we were playing Dutch Blitz (per usual), and my friend Anne from highschool had come to stay the night. It was fun and I like that my college friends (KVP, Amanda, Kelsey, Eric and David) like her. That makes me happy. But the things that get said when we're playing cards are certainly worth mentioning on the blog. I always tell them "that's going on the blog" (the blog they don't read...) but I usually forget the quotes before I have a chance to post. But I wrote a couple down last night.

"I feel a lot more mellow with Jack Johnson singing from my lap." (David)

Kelsey was heading for the bathroom when she turned around and looked at us. We were like: "What?" And she said, "I was going to wash my hands and I was going to ask if anybody wanted me to wash theirs, but..."

My friends are absolutely the best. And as David says God pretty much rocks my face off.

Urbana

So, I promised to talk about Urbana at some point, but most days, (today included), I feel inadequate to even try to explain the way God moved in me and the way He changed my heart at Urbana.

The first thing is that we had large group worship sessions with more than 20,000 people. Imagine, if there were a full football stadium, and everyone was singing praise songs, clapping their hands or raising their hands, dancing, jumping up and down...Just imagine. I think I got a little taste of heaven that day. It was uh-mazing.

A lot of the large group talks really spoke to me. There was one where the speaker asked if we had "settled." What she meant was: Have you convinced yourself that God is saying "no" when He's really saying "go for it, and see what I can do!" Are you settling for something comfortable, when God is calling you to a higher purpose.

"Ultimately, it's all up to God; we're just called to be faithful." Our lifetime is full of saying "yes" to God in little and big situations, to little and big choices.

I also started learning what it truly meant to serve God here on earth. One of the hardest things for me, (it really has been for a long time and will continue to be, I'm sure) is discerning God's voice amongst the noice of the world. Urbana didn't solve this problem for me, because there isn't a solution. The opportunity for us, though, is to grow and mature as children of God. There is a difference between a "good" idea and a "God" idea. We're going to become better disciples when we STAY at the foot of the cross. And I think it was C.S. Lewis who is quoted as saying, "The more I grow as God's child, the more I can trust the desires of my heart." Rick Warren said: "If you get usable, God will wear you out!" That's soooo exciting to me.

There's a Casting Crowns song that says, "How refreshing to know you don't need me...How amazing to find that You want me." That combined with Urbana helped me understand that I'm so thankful that God's grace, mercy and conversion of other people does not depend on me...because I would, without a doubt, FAIL miserably. That's just the truth. BUT the cool thing is that God WANTS to use ME!!! God made me for a purpose, ON PURPOSE. I was made by God, for God. In fact, Rick Warren puts it as: "You are NOT one in a million. You are one in SIX BILLION!" He talked mostly about Purpose. How there are three things that define how people live. People either live in the realm of survival...the realm of success... or the realm of significance. And significance, he explained, is what Christians should be aiming to live in...and significance comes from knowing and living out your calling. "If you're not going to be you, you're irrelevant. God doesn't make carbon copies; you are here for a reason." I just think that's so cool. It's really awesome that I am someone special, not a mistake and I have a purpose for my time on earth... a purpose outlined, planned and conceptualized by God. And that holds true for every person who has ever, is currently, and will ever live. Nice.

But how do you find significance? Rick Warren said there are five things that you can look at, in the acronym SHAPE.

S- spiritual gifts
H- Heart: what you LOVE to do
A- abilities, or your natural talents
P- Personality (you are unique here too. If two people are exactly alike and agree on everything, one of them isn't necessary.)
E- experiences (these shape who you are and how you view the world; your past pains will help you relate to others.)

In regards to pain, Rick Warren also talked about Sympathy, Empathy and Compassion. Sympathy is when you're sorry something happened to someone else. Empathy is when you hurt because someone else hurts. Compassion is when you are willing to do anything to take the hurt away from someone else.

One last thing about Urbana, though I will probably add more later.

WHATEVER- do whatever He tells you; you sign the check and let God fill in the amount
WHENEVER- always be ready to answer anyone who asks you to explain the hope you have in you
WHEREVER- wherever He calls you, you go.

It's An Update!!!

My new classes have started and I haven't even posted about Urbana yet...Oops!

Quick update on the classes...I'm taking:
Sign Language I
Spanish 311 (Adv. Spanish Conversation)
Global Justice (my honors seminar)
Honors ProSeminar
Art 100 (Living with Art)
Biology 105 (Forensics and Criminology, mixed with basic biology)
Political Science 105 (Political Issues)

So far, I love all my classes, save my Spanish class, which I am enjoying but already stressing about. It will be interesting to see which ones I end up loving the most.

It's nice to be back in Greensboro. I have spent so much time with my friends the last few days that I actually feel empty when I'm alone in the dorm room or in a class where I don't know anyone...kinda scary there...In fact, I'm even beginning to take on their mannerisms and speech habits...
David has me saying "just a tish" (just a little bit, basically) and "back up off"
Kelsey has me saying "uh-mazing" (amazing)
Laura Jo has me saying "I kinda feel like..." (as in, I kinda feel like you shouldn't do that, or I kinda feel like that's not normal)
Katie hasn't gotten me saying "oh dear" yet but I'm sure that's bound to happen.
Everyone now has me saying "oh, sad story" or "oh, sad day" when something happens-- like a card I didn't want is played in a game or something

Saturday we played Settlers of Catan (best board game EVER) twice...and once on Sunday. On Sunday, we also played Dutch Blitz (best card game EVER) for three hours-ish. Monday night I had small group and we played Dutch Blitz for an hour or so. Then yesterday, we played Dutch Blitz for two and half hours, then we went to dinner. Then we came back and played Dutch Blitz until after midnight, with some Egyptian Ratscrew in there too. We're crazy, basically.

Amanda Coale (aka Amanda 3) said during Dutch Blitz last night: "Why can't there be homo amish people?" Probably the quote of the week, right there. But you'd have to have played the game to truly understand. Basically, two of the four colors of cards (green, blue, red and yellow) have girls on them and the other two have boys on them, and in one section of the game, you can stack the cards in descending order, girl on boy, or boy on girl but not boy on boy or girl on girl...hope that made sense.

So, we're all pretty much addicted to Dutch Blitz and Settlers. Last night we finally stopped because it was late; I was falling asleep sitting up and everyone else was tired. The only other times we really stop are for hall meetings, to stretch some (or dance, thank you Kelsey), to get food or...nope I think that's it.

I HAVE A CALLING

I'm sitting at my computer right now, trying desperately to figure out how to convey Urbana 2006 to my few faithful readers out there.

I told someone that Urbana 06 was priceless and that it changed my life. And it did. But how can I express to you, oh reader, just what Urbana showed me, what it opened my eyes to, and how it changed my life.

It's hard to explain to someone the change that goes on in your heart, the way your relationship with your Savior is altered and the way your view of your place in the world has shifted. How do you express the way the lyrics of a song speak to you, move you to tears and perfectly sum up the feelings that have welled up in you for so long that you could hardly understand? How do you explain to someone the way something a speaker said spoke to you in a way nothing ever has? How can you ever describe what it feels like to look around a convention center and watch as 23,000 Christians worship the same God you are, raise their hands in praise, sway back and forth in emotion? Can anyone who wasn't there actually, truly, really understand what you felt, thought, and went through? And even if someone was there, can they understand the way it changed you personally?

The theme of Urbana 2006 was "Live a Life Worthy of the Calling." The theme was taken from Ephesians: "As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received." (Ephesians 4:1)

A few of my favorite things said at Urbana that I remember were:
-Isn't the gospel worth it?
-Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where all the fruit is?
-If you never leap off the cliff, how will Jesus ever catch you?
-So often we think we are hearing God saying "no" to something, but He's really saying "Why don't you take the risk for Me, and just see what I can do!?"

There's tons more to tell, but I don't have my notes nearby. I'll post more later as the things I learned, the things I've experienced, and everything I've felt and thought continue to churn away inside my head.

Prodigal

"Being a Christian doesn't mean you sin less; it means you take your sin to the foot of the cross faster."


Living on my own,
thinking for myself
Castles in sand,
temporary wealth
Walls are falling down,
storms are closing in
Tears have filled my eyes,
here I am again

And I've held out as long as I can
Now I'm letting go
and holding out my hand
Daddy, here I am again,
will you take me back tonight?
I went and made the world my friend,
and it left me high and dry
I dragged Your name back through the mud
That You first found me in
Not worthy to be called Your son
Is this to be my end?
Daddy, here I am
Here I am again

Curse this morning sun,
that drags me in to one more day
Of reaping what I've sown,
of living with my shame
Welcome to my world,
and the life that I have made
Where one day you're a prince,
the next day your a slave

And I've held out as long as I can
Now I'm letting go
and holding out my hand
Daddy, here I am again,
will you take me back tonight
I went and made the world my friend,
and it left me high and dry
I dragged Your name back through the mud
That You first found me in
Not worthy to be called Your son
Is this to be my end?
Daddy, here I am
Here I am again

I think they're singing...

"Yesterday's challenges are lost in today's joys...and tomorrow's dream becomes today's courage." -Max Lucado

"But you are strong, strong in Christ and you need to trust that He is bigger than all of it."-Laura Jo

Picture (left to right): Sammie Jo, Mary, Laura Jo

I am blessed by friends

"When I find myself fading, I close my eyes and realize my friends are my energy." -Anonymous

"Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself--and especially to feel. Or, not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to--letting a person be what he really is." -James Douglas Morrison

"Friends are those people who know the words to the song in your heart and sing them back to you when you have forgotten the words." -Anonymous




"Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me; I may not lead.
Walk beside me and just be my friend." -Albert Camus

"I have learned that to be with those I like is enough." -Walt Whitman

It's times like these...

Last night (Thursday), Amanda 3, Mary and I went over to Karen's house around 7. I got back to campus (note that I had an 8am exam on Friday) five minutes before midnight. But I realized just how happy I am here. How happy these people make me. How happy I am because I am myself around them.

A little birthday cake, a little bit of good, hard-core rounds of Mafia, a little playing with Jonah (the long-haired, Doxin, cocker-spaniel mix), a little eating cookies that weren't completely cooked, a little Taboo, a little organic milk, a little creepy ornaments, a little secretarial work, a little decorating the Christmas tree, and a lot of laughing and talking.

It's times like these when I realize that I love this place, I love these people and I love this life.

The Lighthouse Law

• Love God more than you fear hell.
• Once a week, let a child take you on a walk.
• Make major decisions in a cemetery.
• When no one is watching, live as if someone is.
• Succeed at home first.
• Don't spend tomorrow's money today.
• Pray twice as much as you fret.
• Listen twice as much as you speak.
• Only harbor a grudge when God does.
• Never outgrow your love of sunsets
• Treat people like angels; you will meet some and help make some.
• 'Tis wiser to err on the side of generosity than on the side of scrutiny.
• God has forgiven you; you'd be wise to do the same.
• When you can't trace God's hand, trust His heart.
• Toot your own horn and the notes will be flat.
• Don't feel guilty for God's goodness.
• The book of life is lived in chapters, so know your page number.
• Never let the important be the victim of the trivial.
• Live your liturgy.

"To sum it all up: Approach life like a voyage on a schooner. Enjoy the view. Explore the vessel. Make friends with the Captain. Fish a little. And then get off when you get home... It [is] good to be reminded again that this journey is a brief one. That Jesus knows how I feel and that he'd scramble off a mountain and walk through a storm to convince me of that."

"Salvation is God's sudden, calming presence during the stormy seas of our lives. We hear His voice; we take the step. We, like Paul, are aware of two things: We are great sinners and we need a great Savior. We, like Peter, are aware of two facts: We are going down and God is standing up. So we scramble out. We leave behind [our sinking ship] of self-righteousness and stand on the solid path of God's grace. And, surprisingly, we are able to walk on water. Death is disarmed. Failures are forgivable. Life has real purpose. And God is not only within sight, He is within reach. . .For a season of surprising strength, we stand upon His promises. It doesn't make sense that we are able to do this. We don't claim to be worthy of such an incredible gift. . .Most of us, though, face the wind of doubt. . .And downward we plunge. Heavied by mortality's mortar, we sink. Gulping and thrashing, we fall into a dark, wet world. We open our eyes and see only blackness. We try to breathe, and no air comes. We kick and fight out way back to the surface. . .And we hope that the same Christ who called us out of the boat will call us out of the sea. . .[There is] one God who'll walk through hell or high water to extend a helping hand to a child who cries for help." -Max Lucado, In the Eye of the Storm

And it got me thinking...

"Yesterday's challenges are lost in today's joys." -In the Eye of the Storm, by Max Lucado

"Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen." -2 Corinthians 4: 16-18

"Life's mishaps and horrors are only a page out of a grand book. We must be slow about drawing conclusions. We must reserve judgment on life's storms until we know the whole story... For it was the Carpenter who said it best: 'Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.' He should know. He is the Author of our story. And He has already written the final chapter." -In the Eye of the Storm, by Max Lucado

He's Always Been Faithful- By Sara Groves

Great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me

Morning by morning I wake up to find
The power and comfort of God’s hand in mine
Season by season I watch Him, amazed
In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways

All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me

I can’t remember a trial or a pain
He did not recycle to bring me gain
I can’t remember one single regret
In serving God only, and trusting His hand

All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me

This is my anthem, this is my song
The theme of the stories I’ve heard for so long
God has been faithful, He will be again
His loving compassion, it knows no end

All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful, He’s always been faithful
He’s always been faithful to me

"He's Always Been Faithful" by Sara Groves

"Getting into You" by Relient K

when i made up my mind
and my heart along with that
to live not for myself
but yet for God
somebody said
"do you know what you are getting yourself into?"

when i finally ironed out
all of my priorities
and asked God to remove the doubt
that makes me unsure of these
things i ask myself
i ask myself
"do you know what you are getting yourself into?"

i'm getting into you
because you got to me
in a way words can't describe
i'm getting into you
because i've got to be
you're essential to survive
i'm going to love you with my life

when he looked at me and said
"i kind of view you as a son"
and for a second our eyes met
and i met that with a question
"do you know what you are getting yourself into?"

i'm getting into you
because you got to me
in a way words can't describe
i'm getting into you
because i've got to be
you're essential to survive
i'm going to love you with my life

i've been a liar and i'll never amount to
the kind of person you deserve to worship you
you say you will not dwell on what i did
but rather what i do
you say"i love you and that's what you are getting yourself into"

i'm getting into you (getting into you)
because you got to me (because you got to me)
in a way words can't describe
i'm getting into you (getting into you)
because i've got to be (because i've got to be)
you're essential to survive
i'm going to love you with my life
i'm getting into you (getting into you)
because you got to me (because you got to me)
in a way words can't describe
i'm getting into you (getting into you)
because i've got to be (because i've got to be)
you're essential to survive
i'm going to love you with my life

you said "i love you and that's what you're getting into"

"More" by Matthew West

Take a look at the mountains
Stretching a mile high
Take a look at the ocean
Far as your eye can see
And think of Me

Take a look at the desert
Do you feel like a grain of sand?
I am with you wherever
Where you go is where I am
And I'm always thinking of you

Take a look around you
I'm spelling it out one by one

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more

Just a face in the city
Just a tear on a crowded street
But you are one in a million
And you belong to Me

And I want you to know
That I'm not letting go
Even when you come undone

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more

I love you more
Shine for Me
Shine for Me
Shine on, shine on
Shine for Me

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more

And I see you
And I made you
And I love you more than you can imagine
More than you can fathom
I love you more than the sun
And you shine for me

Lots to be thankful for

Thanksgiving is always a stressful time for my family-- I don't know why, exactly. It usually begins when my parents start trying to divy up time and try to agree on what is "fair" in regards to how much time my sister and I spend where. The stress continues as we prepare to go visit my mom's family for a half day or so. This year was especially stressful because it would be the first without my grandmother, and the family had been through some rocky times when my grandmother's health was failing. Amd then of course, there's the stress of switching houses, whichever I go to first. And so on...

This year, we celebrated Thanksgiving with my mom's family at one of my aunt's houses. Everyone was supposed to bring something-- we brought pumpkin cheesecake and broccoli salad. I think I was laughing the entire time I was there. One of my uncles had said he was going to come and grab a takeout box, and leave (in reality, he didn't...). And then there's my cousin who announced so sweetily at the table that he is homophobic (you could hear the crickets churping after he said that). And another of my uncles talked for thirty minutes about kidney stones, what you can/can't eat, what the actual medical explanation is, etc. And there were a few moments when everyone at the table was listing what they thought I should grow up to be: peace corps volunteer, journalist, politician, preacher, etc etc etc. Ah, yes, I love my extended family. I am reminded of how strangely normal we are.

I'm in my dorm tonight, Saturday. It's quiet on campus. The dining services are completely closed. The elevator has remained where I left it, when I used it to bring me and my load from home up, all night. There is one other person on my hall, and maybe a handful in the entire building. I like it. Tonight, I am thankful for:
-the quiet, peaceful atmosphere and time to regroup
-kidney stones because I am reminded that it could be so much worse
-an AC system that tries to work, but fails, because it means that when I get it fixed I will be warm for the winter
-all the work I have to do and the exams I have coming up, because it means I can afford to go to school
and so on...

Never a dull moment...

This weekend was certainly an interesting one. On Friday night, I went to dinner at the Caf with Miriam and Amanda, and then we decided to take my car to the mall. But first, we picked up Laura Jo. So the four of us spent two hours or so at the mall, just walking through stores and hanging out.

After we got back to campus, we drove Miriam back to her dorm and dropped her off. Then, Amanda, Laura Jo and I went to Laura Jo's apartment to hang out and play Nintendo. Around midnight, we started watching Friends episodes, and that was when this incredible pain started. I tried to sit still, but I couldn't sit comfortably. My lower abdomen and lower back were in the most pain I have ever experienced. By 12:45, I finally told Laura Jo and Amanda how much pain I was in, and I started kneeling on the floor, in an attempt to get comfortable. Laura Jo gave me Advil, but it didn't help. I was in tears by the time one of Laura Jo's roommates came in, who immediately said this looked like the pain she has from her ovarian cysts. So she gave me half of a hydrocodon, which Laura Jo okay-ed...(she was a pharmacy technician). By 1:30, the hydrocodon hadn't kicked in and I was still in really bad pain, so Laura Jo and Amanda asked me what I wanted to do. They agreed to go get my car and drive me back to my dorm, so I could try to sleep.

On their way back to LJ's apartment to pick me up, LJ called me and said they had changed their minds. "We're taking you to the hospital." I didn't fight it, as I had all night. We got to the Emergency Room a little after 2am. I got checked in, gave a pee sample, and answered a ton more questions. Soon, the nurse came in to draw blood and hook me up to an IV, which I was just a tad anxious about. The IV immediately started pumping Demerol into my body-- that's a med they usually give to cancer patients for pain. The Demerol gave me a really, really bad headache at first, but then it made me dizzy and I started falling in and out of sleep. They were also pumping anti-nausea drugs into me to keep me from throwing up. They did a CAT scan, and about two hours later, they told me I had two kidney stones, one on either side. They prescribed medicine (Oxycodone) and sent me home, with a souvenir pair of socks. I can't have anything with caffeine until I pass the stones, which, as I write this on Sunday evening at 10:50pm, I have yet to do. I'm supposed to, and have been, drinking lots of liquids in order to speed the process along, but thus far, I'm still in pain. The pain, though, is a lot less than it was Friday night, but sitting is still painful (which is all you do, pretty much, in college).

So, that was my weekend. I spent Saturday helping prepare and serve a Thanksgiving meal to kids in a local low-income neighborhood, with my small group. Then Kelsey and I went to Seussical and sat in the Interpretor Section, and got to watch the show being signed. Then I got sleep! Then I went to LumberJack Ball, which is an annual InterVarsity event. By midnight, though, the drugs had knocked me out and I was fast asleep in front of a HUGE bonfire. This was not before I participated in cricket-spitting, SPEW (the alkaseltzer game), and Chubby Bunny, which I WON! My friends are awesome, all of them. They've been taking very good care of me and praying for me and doing whatever they can to help!

And Laura Jo is riding to Chapel Hill with me on Tuesday evening!!! YAY! But she might be driving my car, because if I'm still taking these pain killers, I can't drive. That's all.

Never Let Go

Can you lay your life down
so a stranger can live
Can you take what you need
but take less than you give

Could ya close every day
without the glory and fame
Could you hold your head high
when no one knows your name

That's how legends are made
at least thats what they say
We say goodbye
but never let go
We live, We die
'cause you can't save every soul
You gotta take every chance to
show that you're the kinda man who
will never look back
will never look down
and never let go

Can you lose everything
you ever had planned
Can you sit down again
and play another hand

Could you risk everything
for the chance of being alone
Under pressure find the grace
Would you come undone

That's how legends are made
at least that's what they say
We say goodbye
but never let go
We live, We die
'cause you can't save every soul
You gotta take every chance to
show that you're the kinda man who
will never look back
will never look down
and never let go

never let go
You gotta take every chance to
show that you're the kinda man who
will never look back
will never look down
and never let go

We say goodbye but never let go
We live, We die
'cause you can't save every soul
You gotta take every chance to
show that you're the kinda man who
will never look back
will never look down
and never let go
Never look back
Never look down,
and never let go.

-Bryan Adams, Eliot Kennedy and Trevor Rabin (at the end of the movie, The Guardian)

That's what it's all about...

Top: (Eric, dressed as his roommate Kirk, and me)
Middle: (Kelsey, a latin dancer, and me)
Bottom: (Laura Jo, as...I don't know...and me)

And Your arms are open wide,
But I drop my gaze.
You offer me forgiveness,
And I turn away.

I know I am unworthy,
And I know You paid the price
But the truth is, I just haven't learned
How to accept Your humble sacrifice

So once again, I avert my eyes
Steer clear of acknowledging Your grace.
It isn't that I don't believe,
It's just so hard, these days.

It's a daily battle, a forever struggle
To bow before You
To allow Your grace and love
To cleanse me anew.

I believe Your grace is sufficient
And can cover every little thing,
But sometimes I feel like
I just can't forgive me.

So, what I wonder, Lord
Is how I learn to let it go
To let myself by cleansed
And Your love to fully know.

Gonna be a long week

I'm sitting on my bed right now, the pink, green, orange, blue and purple stripes beneath me. And I wonder how exactly I'm going to make it through my second day on crutches. Every joint, bone, muscle and inch of my body is in incredible pain. My wrists are swollen, and my underarms have nice black and purple bruises.
I spent all day Saturday and Sunday trying not to miss out on anything that was going on around me: the Gathering of Outcasts conference, playing Nintendo at Laura Jo's apartment, going to church, going to a small group meeting, etc. It was after dinner with my small group that the breaking point came for me. We were going down the stairs from the Caf and, I was refusing to use the elevator, as usual. So I was hopping down the stairs on my good foot and my knee buckled and I fell. Yes, Reader, I fell on my good ankle. The pain was only temporary, but my other ankle was still swollen and bruised. I finally decided to go to Student Health Center and have someone look at it. I didn't think it was anything more than a sprain, but they obviously thought there was a possibility it was fractured because I had to get it xrayed. That was pretty painful because they make you put your ankle in really awkward and painful positions.
They put me in an air cast and gave me a pair of crutches. So I traded in having one part of my body in pain for having every part of my body in extreme pain. I am not so graceful on crutches, and it takes me six times as long to get anywhere on campus.



















In other news, It's HALLOWEEN!
IV is having a Halloween party tonight. I'm going as Pippi Longstocking On Crutches. I'm very excited. And tomorrow night, my small group is going Reverse-Trick-or-Treating. We're going into a low-income neighborhood to give the kids personalized goody bags with candy and other cool stuff. I'm very excited about that too, though I think I'll probably have to hang in the van the whole time, while every one else delivers the stuff. That's okay, I guess.

My ankle, the Cafeteria, and all sorts of fun stories

It's Friday night at 10pm as I lie on my bed typing this. It's dark, chilly and rainy outside, here in Greensboro. I was supposed to babysit tonight from 7:30 until about midnight. In fact, I was on my way, walking down a slippery sidewalk to where my car was parked. I didn't see a small hole in the sidewalk and my left foot went into it, turned over completely and I fell down, all my weight on my turned ankle. For a good three minutes, I just sat there, in a lot of pain, trying to figure out whether this was one of those times when you'll feel better if you just keep walking, or whether I had sprained it. Then I started crying, in pain, in fear, and because I was wet, cold and I didn't know what to do. I straightened up and got on my cell phone. I called my roommate and one of our hall mates and they came after about eight minutes to help me hop back to our room (not an easy feat). My foot is swollen and purplish, and it hurts, but it'll make a good story in a few months.

Last night, we had a "carnival" in the cafeteria, complete with popcorn, kareoke, candy apples, sno cones and cotton candy. Apparently we were celebrating Halloween...

A Friend

One day a man was walking along, when he fell into a huge hole. The man tried but was unable to get out. A doctor walked by and the man yelled to him: "Hey, mister! Can you help me?" The doctor wrote out a prescription, threw it down into the hole and kept walking. A preacher walked by and the man yelled up to him: "Hey, mister! Can you help me?" The preacher wrote out a prayer on a sheet of paper and threw it down into the hole and kept walking. Then the man's friend walked by. "Hey, buddy! Can you help me?" The friend looked down, and without hesitating, jumped into the hole. The man looked at his friend. "Are you crazy? Why did you jump into the hole with me? Now we're both stuck down here." His friend smiled and said, "Yeah, but I've been down here before, so I can show you the way out."

The Carolinian

The Carolinian is the campus newspaper here at UNCG. A few weeks ago, I sent in a submission for the Life section of the paper, about Christian community. Every Tuesday (the day the new edition of the paper comes out) since, I've been checking the paper to see if my submission made it into the paper. And for three weeks, I've been disappointed every time. Today, I grabbed the paper, not expecting to see my article since it was so long ago that I submitted it. But low and behold! It was in there! I'm going to copy and paste the article for you below...

On Faith: Living in a Christian Community
Lindsay Widenhouse, Special to The Carolinian

A few days later, when Jesus again entered Capernaum, the people heard that he had come home. So many gathered that there was no room left, not even outside the door, and he preached the word to them. Some men came, bringing to him a paralytic, carried by four of them. Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus and, after digging through it, lowered the mat the paralyzed man was lying on. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, "Son, your sins are forgiven."Now some teachers of the law were sitting there, thinking to themselves, "Why does this fellow talk like that? He's blaspheming! Who can forgive sins but God alone?" Immediately Jesus knew in his spirit that this was what they were thinking in their hearts, and he said to them, "Why are you thinking these things? Which is easier: to say to the paralytic, 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say, 'Get up, take your mat and walk'? But that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins..." He said to the paralytic, "I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home." He got up, took his mat and walked out in full view of them all. This amazed everyone and they praised God, saying, "We have never seen anything like this!" (Mark 2: 1-12)

What amazing friends! These friends worked tirelessly, arduously to carry their hurting friend to Jesus, and Jesus forgave this man's sins because He saw the faith of the man's friends. It was hotter than hot in Capernaum, so everyone was sweaty and smelly. There were bugs. The crowds were massive and the friends could have given up when they saw that it would be nearly impossible to get to Jesus. Instead, they managed to carry their paralyzed friend up to the roof, where they dug through a mud or thatched roof and lowered him into the house! Imagine if every time you were hurting, every time you felt broken, lonely, sad, or heartbroken, your friends would drop everything they were doing to help you feel better. They would comfort you, love on you, pray for you, cry with you. What an awesome community that would be.

UNCG InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, along with a few students from GTCC and Salem College, got the privilege to fellowship with one another and learn about God, evangelism and Christian community for an entire weekend in South Carolina.On Saturday evening our topic of discussion was Christian community. David Payne started off by sharing a little of his experience. He emphasized the difference between caring about someone and caring for someone.

InterVarsity Staff person Karen Gupton then continued the theme as she talked about her experiences with Christian community and read the above passage from the book of Mark.She said we find so often that we merely ask our friends about classes and stress levels, and go on about our own business. We don't feel as though we have the time to help them. We don't have the energy, the patience, whatever. But the blood of Jesus Christ, sacrificed for us on the cross, to atone for our sins, has bound us together in a community. Whether we choose to accept it or not, Karen told us, the community will continue to exist. We will continue to be one in the Body of Christ.

When we see brokenness, we must carry our friends to Jesus to be healed. And when we are broken, we must be willing to be carried as well. Both aspects are part of being a member of this community. To accomplish both of these things, we must be sensitive and receptive to the brokenness and hurting that exists, and we must not be ashamed or afraid to ask for help or support when we are the ones who are broken. When others are full of joy, we can and should rejoice with them. And when their hearts are broken and they weep, our tears ought to fall as we share in their sadness.

In his book How to Stay a Christian in College, J. Budziszewski writes, "Christian life is about being in love with God, and Christian social life is about letting that love break out into your relationships with other people? Christian fellowship is like a family in which we can bear the burdens of others and urge each other on? We can also hold each other accountable? and help each other confess [sins] to God and get back on our feet."

The Christian community that we are a part of should break out into our campus life as well. We should be excited to share Christ's love with others. Christian community is something to be celebrated and embraced, something that should be evident to others when they peer into our lives. It should be a place where we are comfortable and vulnerable, challenged to grow, loved, and supported, and where we are actively giving all of that back to other members as well.

After Karen's talk, we broke up into smaller groups, of maybe 15 to 20 students, divided by gender. And then we shared what we were struggling with - relationships with people, family issues, spiritual struggles. We prayed as a group for each person after they shared, but what amazed me was the way people reacted. People were not apathetic or displaying a small amount of sympathy. As someone shared, choking back tears, so did the others. The girls around the circle were crying for each other.

For the first time in my life, I felt I was part of a community that was truly acknowledging the bond Christ had placed on us when he died on the cross. People I barely knew, people I knew fairly well, and people I had just met that evening were crying with me. Their hearts broke because mine was broken. They were hurting because they saw me in pain. To be able to come to one another, vulnerable, hurting, sad, angry, ecstatic, frustrated, and to find a place of love, prayer, grace and support is what Christian community is about.




so...yeah...that's my very first appearance in The Carolinian. In our newspaper, there's a lot of articles about drugs, sex and other immoral type behavior. I really wanted something uplifting and something that spoke TRUTH into people's lives. I guess that's all for now.

If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. -C.S. Lewis

No one warned me about this!!!

I went home this past weekend (Friday through Tuesday) for fall break. It was wonderful to get to spend time with my family and we did a lot of fun stuff. We had a yard sale, which started way too early on Saturday morning, but I finally got my 3-year-old laptop sold. I got some much-needed rest, and picked out my courses for next semester. On Sunday, we went to see The Lion King at Memorial Auditorium.














The costumes, props and set/scenery were amazing! The acting, singing and dancing were amazing as well, and I had goosebumps the entire time from the quality of performance.
On Monday, my sister forgot her bookbag when she drove to school, so she called and woke me up at home and I took her bookbag to her. This was frustrating, but it was also nice because I had an excuse to go back to my high school and say hello to my old teachers and my friends. Mom and I went out for Indian food for lunch and that afternoon, I babysat for baby Sofia, who is now a grand total of 6 weeks old! And what a good baby! After that, I got overly-productive (as is my problem sometimes) and did all my Spanish homework for the next month. That is one of the nice things about getting a syllabus-- you can do your work ahead of time. :)
Tuesday, today, Mom and Sherby left for the airport early this morning, and I sort of said goodbye from under the covers. Then I got up and played with the dogs. Then I had lunch with Jennie. Then I drove to C-H to visit with Dad for a while. Then I made the trek back to Gboro, half happy, half sad. I love it here, but when I go home, I realize that I miss it more than I allow myself to know while I'm at college.

N one warned me, however, that when I came back home after staying away for five weeks that I would feel different. When you're living out of a suitcase and your family has to fill you in on their everyday activities, you realize that the dynamics have changed some. It's not that they are treating me any different, but they have had to learn to exist without me around 24/7 just as I have had to learn to live without them. So when we're all back together, we have to re-learn how to co-exist and then we have to catch each other up on our lives. It's not exactly how I expected it, but I think that's a huge part of college, and certainly a part of growing up.

















URBANA 2006! Very excited about this...more to come on it later.

AN AMAZING WEEKEND

I had the blessing and privilege of going on an InterVarsity retreat to Garden City (the beach!) South Carolina this past weekend. I'm going to try to do the weekend justice but I can't promise you'll completely understand the amazing experience I had.
It's funny, you go on a retreat expecting to learn a few things, maybe make a few friends, but what I never saw coming was a sense of community unlike any other.
Saturday night, especially, changed my life. Karen Gupton, IV Staff Leader at UNCG, talked about the healing of the paralytic. A quick synopsis of the story: Jesus was surrounded by people, so much so that four friends, who were carrying a fifth on a mat because he was paralyzed, could not access him, except by lowering their friend through the roof. Karen said to us, sometimes you have to let yourself be the friend who is lowered through the roof to Jesus, to be healed. And sometimes you get the privilege of carrying others to Jesus in their brokenness.
Then we broke into small groups of 15-20, (there were ninety of so people on the retreat) and we were also split up by gender. We then were encouraged to share things we were struggling with in life, whether it was a relationship, our Christian walk, school, family, or whatever. After one person would share, we would all lay hands on that person and pray for them as a group. What amazed me was the way that everyone was crying. Person A would share something she was struggling with and everyone, whether they were really close to Person A or had just met her, would be weeping for her, sharing in her pain. It was amazing the sense of community that we experienced that night. I have always had people in my life who loved and cared about me, but so often we get caught up in our own lives and our own worries, that we might not get further than "How's it going?" "Busy." "Me too." "Later." "Take Care." But Saturday night, my heart broke for my friends, my acquaintances, my sisters in Christ. My tears were for them. My sobs were because they were hurting and it hurt me to see them hurt. It was an amazing feeling, that I can hardly explain.
That's our group picture above.

The Best Weekend EVER!

We left mid Friday afternoon, in various cars, not really caravaning, though. I was riding with Amanda #3, Ann and Kelcy. Kelcy and I were in the back, signing, singing, whatever. Ann and Amanda were in the front, Amanda driving, Ann giving directions. One thing they realized very quickly, though, is that I go to the bathroom a lot. A LOT. Anyone who has ever ridden in a car with me for any length of time can attest to this, and Ann, Amanda and Kelcy certainly can after this weekend.
We stopped at Burger King with Mary, Emily and Holly for dinner. Quick, but good. (I realized I haven't eaten Burger King in a LONG time...)
We finally arrived in Garden City, SC around 9pm. It was dark and a lot of the IV kids had already arrived and claimed beds. Kelcy, Amanda #2 and I claimed beds quickly after arriving. Amanda and I slept on neighboring bottom bunks, and Kelcy got the bed above mine.
Worship and our first talk started at 10pm. We sung and then Bobbi gave a quick talk. We broke into small groups...mine was John (C-H Alum), Slav (GCC), Rachel (UNCG), Lee (UNCG), and Brittney (UNCG).
After small group time, we broke off and headed out to play. Kelcy, Liz, Summer, Brandon, Amanda #2 and I played Encore for thirty minutes or so and then headed to our respective bunks to get ready for bed. At 1am sharp, Karen Gupton, IV Staff Leader at UNCG, came to each room and personally turned off the lights, but not before saying goodnight!

The next morning, breakfast was at 9am, followed by worship, another talk, devotional/quiet time, and then small group time. Then we ate lunch. After lunch we had free-time until 6pm. I slept and played Settlers of Catan (THE BEST GAME EVER!!!!) with Bobbi, Karen, Katie, David, and Kenny. I lost terribly, but it was really fun.

Dinner was at 6pm...this was an experience. We were told to eat with our small groups...and what Karen meant by that is...We're going to give y'all yarn and you have to tie your wrists together, so that you are basically in a circle...each person tied to two other people, one on each wrist. And then you had to try to eat. It wasn't too hard until people in my group, myself included, needed more drink or more food, which meant that our circle had to move through the dining hall, to the counter and serve the food or pour drinks...try doing that, while holding the cup or plate, with your wrists tied together.

Then we had worship and another talk, this one given by Karen. She talked about Christian community. And then I experienced on of the most amazing examples of Christian community ever...we broke off into groups of all girls or all boys, groups of maybe 15-20 (there were probably 90 students on this retreat). Then people talked about what they struggled with-- be it a relationship that they couldn't get out of, a friend who was going wild in college, or something like that-- and after one person said something, we would pray as a group for that person. What amazed me more than that was the fact that everyone was crying for everyone else. Everyone's heart was breaking for someone else. People who had just met were moved to tears at the pain of their new friends. People who had known each other a week or two were weeping with each other, because the pain was shared...not that everyone understod what each person had been through, but pain is universal and the fact that we can share with each other, cry with each other, shoulder the burden with each other, opened my eyes to a real kind of Christian community. It wasn't about forming a deep, long relationship and then opening up. It was about being willing to be vulnerable and allow others to love on you and care about you and cry with you. It was truly amazing. The experience is something that I can try to describe but that must truly be lived through to fully grasp how powerful, amazing and moving it is.

Then we played more games and ate ice cream. More Settlers of Catan!!! We had breakfast, one last talk, worship and small groups the next morning before cleaning, taking a group photo, and partaking in a tradition before we left...I cannot accurately describe the tradition, but it was more/less a participatory song that you run around and dance crazily during.

Then we drove back. And life resumed, but I am changed...so maybe life is only continuing, and there is no resuming, just a continuation with a newness inside of me that I can share with others now.

Photos to come, I promise!

On Being Alive

So I was having a conversation with someone online and it really made me think... here's a snippet...

Them: What did you do today?
Me: classes, nap, small group
Me: Nothing exciting
Them: what qualifies as exciting these days?
Me: hmmm...i don't know.
Them: isn't being alive excting enough?


And I realized, with the sky a brilliant blue and the leaves just beginning their yearly color change, and the air a crisp but not cold wind-blown feel, that it is enough. It is enough. There's a song I really like, a country song nonetheless, that I'll post some of the lyrics from:
It's a great day to be alive,
I know the sun's still shinin' when I close my eyes.
There's some hard times in the neighborhood,
But why can't every day be just this good?

I think that regardless of the troubles we see every day, or the hardships we experience, each day is what we make of it. If it's a gorgeous day, great. If it rains, that's okay too. The laughter, the fun, the small successes, the budding friendships, the hope, the love, the ocassional decent food in the cafeteria, and we realize that the small things make life exciting, vibrant and wonderful.

Quick Update

So I started tutoring at an elementary school this week. We work with more than fifty kids and help with homework, play games and eat snacks. Then they get driven home. I had K-2 this week, which is the current age group I'd like to work with for a career. I absolutely fell in love with the kids and it really confirmed my belief that my major change was the right move.

I'm heading to the Garden City, S.C. on Friday with InterVarsity for a retreat. I am very excited because it will be a wonderful opportunity to fellowship, grow and take a break from college life to truly basque in God's love. I'll try to post the pictures from the retreat after we get back.

In a little over two weeks, I have fall break! So from October 6-1o, I'll be at home. There'll be tons to do though. I will head back to the high school to visit, get my hair cut, have a yard sale, go shopping, and rest. Hopefully, I will also get to hang out with friends and have some quality time with family, because I miss everyone so much when I'm here.

I lead a class discussion tomorrow on a book (Waiting for the Barbarians) in my Human Rights class. Next Wednesday I have to make a class presentation (in Spanish) on Chile in my Spanish class. VERY NERVOUS.

The Major

So, I'm changing my major. Actually, I haven't declared a major yet (you do that second semester of sophomore year...), so I guess the correct phrase is: I'm changing my mind. I'm not sure that I'm meant to teach high-school history...Don't get me wrong, I love history. I've always known that I wanted to teach, at least for a few years, but it was just a matter of what grade, and what subject. Somewhere in highschool I decided to be a history teacher because my history teachers were the ones who taught me to love history and made me passionate about it. (Or maybe I was always passionate, and they just opened me up enough to discover that about myself). Their passion, certainly, was contagious. I can actually say that about most, if not all, of my teachers in high school, regardless of subject. And there was something about the history classes and the teachers that made me want to go to class, made me want to do my homework, made me want to learn more, read more. And maybe I'm a dork, or maybe there really was something unique about their classes. I'm pretty sure which one it was, but regardless of which you believe, I decided I wanted to teach history. I decided that if you're passoinate about a subject and you're enthusiastic, you ought to at least teach for a few years.

But I also realized that I was doing this on the assumption that I could teach at MY high school. I wanted to be in the environment where it was expected that students wanted to be there, where citizenship and a rigorous academic curriculum were the norms. Any old high school, I realized the other night in the shower, simply wouldn't do. And I can't build my life on "Assuming this happens..." or "I'll do ____ if _____." And I certainly am not going to spend four years of my education assuming I'll get my first choice in teaching environments.

So that is to say, that I know for a fact that I love younger kids, know that I can impact their lives, and interrupt a cycle of a failing system before it's too late...So, I have decided to switch to Elementary Education (with possible concentrations in: Spanish, Psychology, Dance or History.) Nothing is of course set in stone; it hasn't been ever, because you can't declare a major yet. But I'm feeling more and more comfortable with this "decision." I woke up this morning feeling different, like I wasn't reaching for something that might or might not happen. So, that's the long way of saying that I went from a History major with a license in social studies education (and a minor in Spanish), to an Elementary Education major with an undecided concentration and still possibly a minor.

It Rains...A LOT

There's something about Greensboro that makes me want to rename it-- Grayboro or Rainyboro or something of the sort. Seems every day it's rained, drizzled, poured or just been overcast. It's kinda depressing actually, though I was excited today when my rainboots got shipped in. Now, I don't go to class with pants that are soaked from the cuffs to my knees. So I kinda clunk around school in these boots, looking like a Jedi Knight, with my brown pants tucked into the boots. But I stay dry-- between my parka without a hood, my LA ball cap, my umbrella (which is rainbow and makes me happy!) and my new boots, I'm all set for the 3/4 mile trek three or more times a day to and from class and to the cafeteria.

I'm reading this really good book called Kite Runner for class. I HIGHLY recommend it.

That's about all to report in Rain-land. I do have a new addiction--- applesauce. I've gone through phases the last few years where I get super addicted to applesauce for a while, and I'm back in that phase again!!!

I finished two papers this week-- one on my theory of the university education and the other on the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I'm glad to have them finished. I have to presentations to worry about now-- one on Chile and one on a book the class is reading, that I must lead a discussion for. BOO. Actually, I've read the book before, so I'm not too worried about that. My presentation on Chile, however, has to be in Spanish so I'm a little worried about how that'll go. But I'll stress about that later. For now, Today's worries are enough for today.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. -Matthew 6:34

All I Need to Know About Life I Learned At College

1. Showering at any time night or day is perfectly acceptable, no questions asked.
2. There is always something going on on-campus, even if you wish it wasn't that.
3. Just because you think you are entitled to have a life outside of school-work doesn't mean your professors agree.
4. Facebook, cell phones and IM are essentially vital to having any sort of social life.
5. The food in the cafeteria is what you make of it, but stay away from the vegetables at all costs.
6. Having a pet fish in your room does NOT mean you will stop missing your dogs and cats at home.
7. You only need to wait fifteen minutes after the start-time of a class for the professor to show up. Then you can leave.
8. Follow the older kids on campus when they cross the street. They know when it's okay and when it's not. Besides, if there are a handful of you walking, chances are the cars aren't going to run you over.
9. Playing Settlers of Kahtan until 1am on Friday nights is like the best use of time, ever.
10. A 95 on a paper is O.K. It's nothing to stress over.
11. Sleep whenever possible.
12. Use your time wisely. Got five minutes until your next class and you can't fit a powernap in? Good, do some reading or some homework.
13. Don't use shorthand in your notes unless you're sure you'll still know what it means in two days.
14. Take laundry home when you go.


yep. I love college.

A Wonderful Weekend

I went home this weekend for Labor Day...I never imagined it'd be so hard to come back. Don't get me wrong, I love Greensboro, but I just had a really, really awesome time at home.

Friday I wasn't feeling well, but Mom and I had time to just hang around the house.
Saturday we got up and had lunch with one of mom's friends and then went to see her other friend's new baby (now officially 7 days old!!) She's absolutely precious.

Then Mom and I went shopping, which was fun quality time, even though I don't think we ended up buying anything. Haha.

Sunday I got to go to church and see a lot of my friends!!! And Sunday night I got to go to Raleighwood with Ben to see The DaVinci Code. I'd already seen it, but I did pick up on a lot more this time. That was fun too...to hang out with Ben and go to a movie.
Today, on my way back to Greensboro, I picked my sister up at my dad's house and we went and had Chinese together. We've never spent much quality time together, but today was wonderful. I cried after I dropped her off. She's growing up...and changing and I'm not around to see it, which breaks my heart. But it certainly makes me a lot more grateful for the times I do get to see her...(even if she is planning to turn my ENTIRE room into a home theater...grrrrr.)