Tuesday, October 06, 2009

The Longing Conundrum

Do you ever long for something? I feel like one word sums up how I've been feeling for a few months now: longing. But I'm perplexed because I don't know quite what I'm longing for.

I'm at once longing for the future and the past. I'm longing for the comfortable and the uncomfortable; for the old and the new. And sometimes, I'm longing for the in-between spaces.

I've always, no matter what stage I am at in life or what I'm going through, able to relate to Sara Groves' song "Painting Pictures of Egypt"

I've been painting pictures of Egypt
And leaving out what it lacks
The future feels so hard
And I want to go back

But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I've learned
And those roads were closed off to me
While my back was turned...

At one point in the song, she sings: "I am caught between the promised and the things I know." I am altogether frustrated and exhausted and excited and confused as I try to figure out what this stage is exactly in my life. I feel like I am in the in-between, where I have out grown many things but am not quite to the next phase in my life yet.

I don't want to leave too quickly, nor do I want to hestitate too long. But I don't know what exactly I'm supposed to be doing, or where I'm supposed to be headed.

I don't know much of anything right now, it seems.

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