Busyness

"The new materialism of America is busyness."

-Chip Ingram

One of those days

When I was six, I had one of those days. By the time the evening hit, I was worn slam out. My sister got in the front of the bathtub (a right that I attributed only to myself, since the youngest always got to go first in board games), and I went to pieces.

"This has been the worst day ever. First, the letter came that Ms. Shiels (my beloved Kindergarten teacher) isn't coming back next year. Then Reid (a neighborhood kid) hit me in the head with a ball. And now, Sherby got in the front of the bathtub."

Everything piled on top, it felt overwhelming. It was just too much. That's kind of how I feel a lot these days: like one thing after another gets piled on and I'm stuck trying not to get buried beneath the rubble.

But when it feels like too much, I remember that there are plenty of good days up ahead. And somehow no matter how much good stuff gets piled together, it never feels like too much. :-)

"Late Fragment"

And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.

-RAYMOND CARVER, "LATE FRAGMENT"

My Favorite 2-year-old

Let me tell you about my favorite 2-year-old. Actually, I guess she's 2 1/2. Anyways, I got to have dinner with her the other night. And it reminded me how much I dislike being so far away from her and missing out on watching her grow up.

We took a walk while we were waiting for our food. Hand-in-hand, she pointed out the flowers blooming, the buds on the trees, the Green volkswagen beatle. I asked her what she did at daycare that day.

"I did work."
"Really? What kind of work?"
"I built a tower that the princess lived in."
"Wow. That's hard work."
"Yeah." She sighs. "It was very hard work."

She cracks me up constantly. She's very flirtatious and told everyone around us, the waitstaff included, about the turtles on her shirt. Apparently, when her mom asked her if she had to go potty a month or so ago, she said, "That's not a priority right now."

I'm always impressed at her ability to carry on conversations and was not the least bit dismayed that she was already cheering on an ACC team, even if it wasn't the one I typically cheer for. It was too adorable not to love. She can spell her name and when she sings the "BINGO" song, she can switch it up and insert her (conveniently 5-letter) name into the song instead.

I know that none of you can appreciate this simply from reading this post but no matter what is going on in my life, this little girl has an uncanny ability to make my day (though sometimes she has to make my month, depending on when I'll get to see her again!)

Call Me Judgmental...

I remember when I was about 7 years old, I saw the wreaths that the governor of N.C. had placed on the gates on the premises surrounding the mansion where the first family of the state traditionally lives. The wreaths were probably 10-15 feet in diameter and made almost entirely of fruit. At seven, this made no sense to me. I engaged my mom in a discussion about the ways that fruit could be put to better use, rather than just rotting as a decoration. It could feed hungry people, I'd told her. She didn't argue with me, but it's been an image-- one of confusion and disbelief-- that's stayed with me since.

And so, when I saw an article today on Yahoo detailing the big multi-billion (yes, billion NOT million) dollar mansions that people around the world own, my heart hurt. People really think they need a gold-plated pool, don't they? They really believe that a cinema inside is a necessity, don't they? They really find security in having a garage big enough for 20 cars, don't they?

So, I could digress here and talk about how we all place the weight of our souls on various things throughout our lives, how we are always saying: "If I can just have/get ________, then I will be happy. Then I will be satisfied." And we are, for a few minutes or a couple days, and then we long for the next distraction.

But that's not what disturbed me. What disturbed me was that while reading this article and growing nauseous over the things that these people poured money into, my mind went back to a missions trip I went on to Los Angeles and to the week I spent serving the urban poor here in Greensboro. How people lived underneath overpasses, all their worldly possessions around them on the bare earth. How tents and sleeping bags lined the sidewalks. How a meal or a conversation meant so much. How I finally understood what it meant to be blessed and simluataneously found that it had an entirely new meaning.

I don't want to sound judgmental. Because in the eyes of the rest of the world, I live lavishly.

1. If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of the people in the world.

2. If you can attend a church or synagogue meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture or death you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.

3. If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation, you are more blessed than five hundred million people in the world.

4. If you have money in the bank, in your wallet and spare change in a dish, you are among the top eight percent of the world's wealthy.

5. If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.


With 80% of the world's population living on less than $1/day, it's hard to understand why George Lucas or anyone else needs a house with 50,000 sq. feet. I wish that we could "share the wealth," truly. So many problems stem originally from poverty and its affects. But that's for another post. I've ranted long enough.

The Motions

No regrets, not this time. I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind.


-"The Motions," Matthew West

His

Intervarsity has been a huge part of my life since I entered college, and it became an even bigger part of my life when I applied to be on leadership at the end of my freshman year. Since then, it has been one of the hardest and best experiences of my life.

Now, as our chapter faces a tumultuous future in the next few months, I found myself trying to take on responsibility for everyone and everything. Somehow I thought I could hold everything together, make it all okay, and keep everything under control on my own. The worst wasn't that I thought I could-- it was that I thought I had to.

I felt this burden of responsibility to make sure the chapter kept breathing, kept going, kept...whatever...in the face of an uncertain few months. I thought that God had allowed the "worst case scenario" to come true and I thought it was up to me to fix everything.

I thought I could single-handedly (or maybe not single-handedly, but at least partially) carry our chapter through this. I realized that I had taken control from the God of the Universe. I thought that He couldn't or wouldn't see us through this. I thought that the Creator would allow our chapter to self-destruct. I thought the Healer would never restore our chapter. I thought the Almighty could fix other people's problems and attend to other people's needs, but that I would be the one to see Intervarsity through.

And God showed me something...(surprise surprise). If I am on leadership or not, Intervarsity is His. If I go to meetings or gatherings, Intervarsity is His. If I want to serve or not, Intervarsity is His. And in the midst of this trial, Intervarsity is His. He reminded me of His faithfulness. Of His goodness. Of His nearness. And of His love. And when I realized how sinful it was to think that I was so amazing that I had to take care of everything and everyone, He reminded me of His mercy and forgiveness.

The Chapter is His.
The University is His.
The world is His.
I am His.

And whether I have it together, whether I am hurting, whether I am leading, whether I am scared, whether I am ready, whether I understand, He is there. And He is in control.

My Heart Will Choose to Say...

"God is too wise to be mistaken. God is too good to be unkind. So when you dont understand, when you dont see His plan, When you cant trace His hand, trust His heart." ~Babbie Mason

I don't know what to say. I'm so frustrated with everything that's gone on. Drew and I broke up. I found out that my ovary isn't where it's supposed to be, meaning I'll have surgeries in the near future and may have a lot of trouble ever having children, if I can at all. Our Intervarsity Chapter is going through a very difficult and rough transition, and I feel like a huge burden is on me to carry us through because I will be on leadership all next year, and I have been serving the longest of anyone currently on leadership. And to boot, I have mono, so I am exhausted constantly and have not really processed anything emotionally because physically it's hard to just get through the day.

I don't know how to see the bigger picture and frankly, I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of asking why, of being frustrated, of the tears, of the heartache, and of the wondering when the next "blow" will be dealt.

I'm trying to trust, to have faith. But I'm really struggling.

"Who can hold the stars and my weary heart?
Who can see everything?
I've fallen so hard, sometimes I feel so far
But not beyond Your reach.
...Whatever's in front of me, help me to sing Hallelujah."

Remembering...

My professor for my social work class on diversity and vulernable populations sent me this cartoon. Read the entire thing carefully-- it's powerful.