What if...?

-What if, just one night, I could come back to my room in the wee hours of the morning and have someone there waiting for me, willing to talk or to listen, or to just sit with me while I try to decompress?
-What if feeling overly busy and useful went hand in hand? That is to say, what if whenever I feel busy beyond belief (which is all the time), it meant that I also felt useful, needed?
-What if the world could stop so I could catch my breath and readjust before continuing onto whatever is waiting to be done?
-What if you automatically felt appreciated?
-What if 24 hours was enough to hang out with your friends, work, go to school, have alone time, and sleep? Oh wait, I forgot about meals... and homework... and cleaning... and showering... and laundry... and other miscellaneous items that demand attention...
-What if when you tried your best to hold all the pieces of yours and everyone else's life together, you could succeed?
-What if the best you could do at the time was always good enough?

It's hard to like the fact that those things aren't guaranteed or don't happen, because it means I'm fallible. It means I'm human. It means I am dependent on someone other than myself to make things happen. It reminds me that I need God. Need Him. So when it feels hard, or impossible, that's when I'm so sure that I cannot do this alone, that's when I feel Him pulling me closer.

Immeasurable

I've been reading a book called The Cost of Committment. Sammie Jo wanted me to give it a try, so we could discuss it during our discipleship meetings. I gave it a try and I'll be honest, I couldn't put it down.

At first I was a little skeptical, mostly, I think, because of the title. I guess I've heard over and over again that in order to follow Jesus, we pay a price. It is a price that is more than worth it; the price of rejection, ridicule, pain, or whatever else is worth it, in the end... because, in reality, the greatest price was paid on the cross two thousand years ago.

But beyond all that, the title harkened back to the two parables in the Bible... the one about the Treasure in the field and the one about the Pearl of Great Price. The treasure in the field story is where a man finds buried treasure in a field. Overcome with excitement at this discovery, he buries the treasure again in a field, and sells everything he owns in order to buy the field. I was always kind of awe-struck by this. I value many things in my life, sure, but I guess the only way I ever saw this story as being applicable was to give up everything I have in life to follow Jesus. But, the author of The Cost of Committment writes that it's not so much about renouncing everything you have but rather, re-evaluating everything you have, and understanding what you think your priorities are and what they ought to be.

I liked that. I liked that following Jesus didn't necessarily have to be about renouncing all my worldly possessions, but it's about committing everything to Him and taking up my cross daily.

I guess that's what I've been thinking about lately... what it truly means to follow. The other thing that stuck out to me, although I'm only half way through the book, so I'm sure there will be more later, is when he talked about a Muslim man's conversion to Christianity, how he is shunned and rejected and almost hated by his family. But, the author says, this man's heart still breaks and he still weeps everytime he leaves his family. He is not angry or bitter or frustrated, but heartbroken because they do not know the joy that comes from the freedom we have in Jesus Christ. I have come to the realization that my heart may never stop breaking for my family and friends who do not know Jesus. That I am much less angry. I am just sad. Because Jesus has brought me unspeakable joy and incredible peace, even in the midst of suffering. And I cannot tell you what I wouldn't give so that those I love and even those I don't know could know the immeasurable joy and love that I experience with Christ. I think that's how God feels about each of His children... He desires a relationship with each of them, so to ever think that we should cease to feel heartbroken seems inconsistent with a personable, loving God who pursues us even when we don't deserve it.

Objects of mercy, who should have known wrath.
We're filled with unspeakable joy
Riches of wisdom, unsearchable wealth
And the wonder of knowing Your voice
You are our treasure and our great reward,
Our hope and our glorious King.

I-House Staff

Here we are... matching shirts and all.

Left to right: Jess, Deryle, Amanda, Me and Anna

We're quite the crazy staff...

I'm Slacking Off in the Blogging Department

...and cranking it up in every other department. Life's just been super-hectic, what can I say? CA training has kept me busy for the past week and a half, but I've really enjoyed getting to know the staff in my residence hall and also getting to know the professional staff. Today, the majority of my residents moved in, which is very exciting. I vaguely remember what move-in day was like last year, though I think I was pretty zoned out the entire time.

Classes start on Monday which seems entirely too soon to restart a year of school, but at the same time that I feel that particular way, I also am thoroughly excited to be on a regular schedule and be challenged intellectually and mentally (those aren't synonymous, right!?) Anyways, Mondays and Wednesdays I have four classes (Spanish Composition, Statistics, Islam and Sociology). On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I have just two classes (Tues: Psychology-Theories of Personality and Social Work; and Thurs: Psychology-Theories of Personality and Biology Lab). And on Fridays, I only have three classes (Span. Comp., Stats, and Sociology).

Jess, my immediate supervisor and live-in ACRL for my residence hall gave me a bookmark she found leftover in the office. It has a quote on it and I really like it, so I thought I would share it, and a couple other quotes with you, oh Reader:

"Happiness is not a destination. It is a method of life." -Burton Hills

"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose..."

"Life could take on any number of shapes while you were busy fighting your own demons. But if you were changing at the same rate as the person beside you, nothing else really mattered. You became each other's constant." -Jodi Picoult

"A level of a house, his father has told him, is called a STORY. Nathaniel likes that. It makes him feel like maybe he is living between the covers of a book himself. Like maybe everyone in every home is sure to get a happy ending." -Jodi Picoult, Pefect Match


That's all for now. I'm exhausted. I'm going to try to be better and more diligent about blogging.

Accupuncture...

So, in an attempt to figure out the whole foot thing, we're going to try accupuncture... and needless to say, I'm slightly freaked out. This is how the conversation went: - I don't know about this whole accupuncture thing. -It'll be fine. -But, I really don't like needles. They always hurt... -But they're really small needles. -No, but I don't like needles. -They're really small. -But they're still needles. -Yeah, well... -No, they're needles... and just like shots, it'll hurt. -It won't hurt. Accupuncture doesn't hurt. -Oh, so you've had it done? -Well, no. -Then how do you know about it? -I've read about it. Oh yeah, 'cause clearly the pain jumps right off the page.

Be A David...

I've been studying some about the story of David and Goliath from the Book of 1 Samuel. When I was in Jacksonville with Amanda Coale a couple weekends ago, I had the privilege of attending her home church, which is very different from the one I went to during middle and high school. Her pastor gave a sermon on David and Goliath. He talked about the way that our battles are not something we should shrink from; he also mentioned that often the giants in our life may not look all that big to an onlooker, but to us they might just be enormous. One of the things that struck me most is the fact that David carried five stones with him, not because he thought he would need all five for Goliath, but because Goliath had brothers. David didn't go into fight one "demon" and allow the subsequent ones to defeat him. He went prepared and never backed down. David did not go into battle alone, but with complete confidence in the strength of the Lord.
One thing that I thought about was that I don't always fight my battle with that unfailing confidence. David looked at the giant and said, "You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the LORD will hand you over to me, and I'll strike you down and cut off your head. Today I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds of the air and the beasts of the earth, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel. All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the LORD saves; for the battle is the LORD's, and he will give all of you into our hands." (1 Samuel 17:45-47) Today, I think confidence in the power of the Lord looks slightly different. To me, it means believing completely that my salvation was secured two thousand years ago, and no battle I fight, no struggle I endure, no sin I commit can undo what was accomplished on the cross. And that's really beautiful, even when the battle is rough and the struggles are messy, because victory was claimed for me. Truly, truly I cannot lose.

I adapted this from an FCA email:
1. Be a David . . . Courageously defend your flock against the lionsand bears of the world.
2. Be a David . . . Be willing to fight the Goliaths in life, one stone at a time.
3. Be a David . . . Be a loyal friend no matter what the situation.
4. Be a David . . . Be ready to lead, regardless of your age or status.
5. Be a David . . . Face your failures and own up to them.
6. Be a David . . . Never take forgiveness lightly or take a blessing for granted.
7. Be a David . . . Learn from your mistakes.
8. Be a David . . . Strive to develop trust and faith in your brothers and sisters in Christ, because in the battles you cannot fight on your own, they'll have your back.
9. Be a David . . . Create an unchangeable belief in God's faithfulness.
10. Be a David . . . Chase success, but pursue God's heart.

It's Been A While...

It's been wayyyy too long since I last posted. Life's been hectic and crazy (maybe that was redundant). I have tons that I could write about but I'm not sure I have the energy to try to make it suscinct and understandable.

Here's the quickest version of life in Lindsay-land recently:

-trip to San Francisco with my mom and sister...
-got an internship for five or six weeks with the NC Academy of Trial Lawyers, where I am helping draft a practical manual on the rules of evidence for courtroom attorneys...uhh... I don't know what that means; all I know is I sit at my desk and type for eight or nine hours a day.
-I have plantar fasciitis, a condition where you tear some ligament or tendon that runs from your heel to your big toe; the problem is that when you tear it, there is no bruising or swelling or any real pain, just maybe some tenderness. But your body still responds as though there is an injury (which, there is...it just doesn't have symptoms we tend to notice) and so a few weeks or months later, you start not being able to put weight on your heel...why? because there are little pockets of blood clustering around your heel and causing inflamation. You can treat it through stuff like icing it, staying off of it, wearing a splint/brace at night, wearing orthodics in your shoes, etc. But for six months, there's still going to be pain, pain that is present whether you are sitting down, lying down, standing up, walking or whatever.
-CA training at school starts August 7.
-I have changed my major-- again. This time to social work, with a double minor (that could become a double major with one minor) in psychology and Spanish.
-My schedule for next semester looks like this:

Monday
10-10:50am SPA 315, Spanish Composition
11-11:50am STA 108, Statistics
12-12:50pm PSY 230, Biological Psychology
1-1:50pm SOC 101, Sociology

Tuesday
11-12:15pm PSY 265, Theories of Personality
1-3:50pm SWK 215, Intro to Social Work

Wednesday
10-10:50am SPA 315, Spanish Composition
11-11:50am STA 108, Statistics
12-12:50pm PSY 230, Biological Psychology
1-1:50pm SOC 101, Sociology

Thursday
11-12:15pm PSY 265, Theories of Personality
12:30-3:20pm BIO 105L, Biology lab

Friday
10-10:50am SPA 315, Spanish Composition
11-11:50am STA 108, Statistics
12-12:50pm PSY 230, Biological Psychology
1-1:50pm SOC 101, Sociology

I guess that's all the stuff that I can jot down really quickly. I'll try to be more diligent about posting...

We Pray for the Students

I wrote this poem, loosely based off of the format for "We Pray for the Children" in response to the tragedy on the campus of Virginia Tech on April 16, 2007.

We Pray for the Students

We pray for the students
whose tears are on our tv screens
who are afraid to be on campus
whose worst nightmare became a reality

We pray for the students
Whose cries are heard by God
Whose courage saved the lives of others
Whose hope gives strength to us

We pray for the students
Whose families were worried
Who close their eyes and can’t fall asleep
Who lost a best friend
Who will be scarred forever

We pray for the students
Who will find forgiveness
And for those who won’t
For those who will turn to faith
And for those who will never stop feeling the loss

We pray for the students
Whose hearts are broken
Whose lives are shattered
Who are existing only in fear

We pray for the students
Who didn’t get a second chance
And for those who will live in the shadow of the memory of those who died
And for those who will feel guilty for being survivors
And for those who can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel
And for those who can and are clinging to the hope that it provides

We pray for the students
Whose wounds are open and raw
Whose emotions are overwhelming
Whose hearts are broken and hurting
Whose minds are racing, raging, reliving
Whose lives were shattered
Whose future will never be the same

We pray for the students
Whose faces break our hearts
Whose loss makes us count our blessings
Whose strength provides an example

We pray for the students
Who will walk the campus again
Who will sit at desks again
Who will attend lectures again
Who will live in dorms again
Who will look one another in the eye again
Who will believe in their future again
Who will find hope in the promise of tomorrow.

We pray for the students.

The Same God

I got in Karen's car today around 1:30pm, and she greeted me and then asked if I had heard what happened. Uh...I wanted to say...that's kinda vague. At Virginia Tech, she continued. Nope, I still didn't know. I wondered for a moment, though, because her fiance lives and works at VT. It's not as though I'm an uninformed person. MSNBC news is my homepage, and I read world and US news daily, but as of the time I left my room this morning, there was nothing particularly newsworthy regarding VT. Karen then told me what had happened.

I wanted to cry but the tears never came. But my eyes got swollen and puffy just the same. And I wanted to cry out and ask God why this happened, how He could allow this to happen...and why so many people that I loved and cared about, though not killed, were still emotionally scarred from this. The rest of the day, I wrestled with how it could be that my campus was safe and secure, that I was out of harm's way, that I had been spared when it could so easily have been our campus. And I wrestled with how the same God that ordained snow in Virginia this morning could allow this to happen. And that's when God opened my heart to try to understand... that the same God who ordained snow may have let this happen, but He is also the same God who will be glorified in this, who never left those classrooms when one individual was wreaking havoc on so many innocent lives; yes, the same God who overcame sin on the cross is precisely the same God who was present on the campus on Viriginia Tech today amid the horror, and He is the same God who cries with His people and who will hear their sorrow and will heal them.

And no, I don't understand why it happened. But I understand that God doesn't ever change. And God also doesn't disappear in the "dark" places, where evil is present. And so amidst my sadness for my friends at VT and for the loss of life and for the loss on innocence on that campus, amid the fear and the anger, and the confusion, I found comfort. I found comfort in the Comforter. I found peace in the Prince of Peace. And I found hope in the Almighty.

My soul thirsts for God,
for the living God...
My tears have been my food,
day and night,
while they say to me continually,
"Where is your God?"
These things I remember,
as I pour out my soul...
Hope in God; for I shall again praise
Him...
By day the Lord commands His steadfast
love,
and at night His song is with me,
a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God, my rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning
because of the oppression of the enemy?"
...
Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him,
my salvation and my God.

(Parts of Psalm 42)

Beautiful

I am posting so infrequently. There's a lot on my mind, from school to family, to friends, to God, etc. I applied for leadership with IV and was offered a position, but I'm still in the process of praying about whether or not to accept it. Karen has graciously understood this and told me not to worry about making a decision and to simply listen to God. I got chosen as an alternate for a CA/RA position, which is good and bad I suppose. School work is stressing me out. In fact, I'm stressed about a lot of things and I think sometimes I am easy to hold myself to the world's standards, especially the standards of my family and friends, rather than allow myself grace. It's so very difficult to learn to do this. I am really working on putting my identity in Christ and not in people.

I found this song by Bethany Dillon that I think pretty much sums up how I feel...

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep
'cause I cannot keep their attention

I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful
Make You stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear You say
who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

I want to be beautiful
Make You stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear You say
who I am is quite enoughJust want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart,
and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love
and beautiful

Rest

I go constantly. I know I do. There isn't any denying it or pretending that it doesn't happen. From the time I get out of bed in the morning until my head hits the pillow, I am usually going about 100 miles an hour. And even when I am sitting down, like in class or at a meal, my thoughts, at least, are still racing and usually I am fidgeting and antsy until I can move around again. But mostly it's not the physical moving around and busy days, it's the emotional and mental craziness that is my life.

I got a pamphlet thingy from the IV office entitled Silence and Solitude. The title alone was enough to "scare" me. I don't like to think about my life minus the craziness or what it would look like to give myself a break. Robert Howe came to IV last week and talked about the Sabbath. I have a really hard time with the Sabbath because the way it was first presented to me was as a list of rules (this was not Robert's talk, however), and rules, although I like the structure they bring, are very stressful because rules get broken and that equals disorder and chaos and a failure to live up to something. The other problem with the Sabbath is that I have this notion that the world will inevitably stop turning and things will fall apart if I am not holding everything together every second of every day. That's not true, and somewhere I know that it's not...but I also like the idea, however false it may be, that I have some control over whether or not things fall apart.

Anyway, Robert talked about how the Sabbath is a celebration. In Ezekiel it also says: "Moreover, I gave them My Sabbaths, as a sign between Me and them, that they might know that I am the Lord who sanctifies them." -Ezekiel 20:12

Hebrews says this:
"The promise of entering His rest still stands...let us therefore strive to enter that rest." -Hebrews 1,11

I realized that by assuming that I needed to be busy every day of the week in order that nothing would fall apart, I was saying to God that I didn't believe He was sovereign and powerful, almighty and perfect. I was basically saying that He needed me to help Him out. Learning to rest is hard. Learning to rest is humbling. Learning to rest is renewing. Learning to rest is something we are called to do.

Psalm 23:3 says: "He restores my soul." It doesn't say I can restore my own soul. It doesn't say that my soul will restore itself; it doesn't say that things of this world will restore my soul. God will. God is faithful and merciful and He calls us to sit at His feet and celebrate the gift He gives us of rest for our crazy lives.

We Pray for the Children

This has been my favorite poem since I was in fourth grade. It's been on my heart a lot lately, and I decided to post it.

We pray for the children:
who put chocolate fingers everywhere,
who like to be tickled,
who stomp in puddles and ruin their new pants,
who sneak popsicles before supper,
who erase holes in math workbooks,
who can never find their shoes.

And we pray for those:
who stare at photographers from behind barbed wire,
who can't bound down the street in a new pair of sneakers,
who have never had crayons to count,
who are born in places where we wouldn't be caught dead,
who never go to the circus,
who live in an X-rated world.

We pray for the children:
who bring us sticky kisses and fistfuls of dandelions,
who sleep with the dog and bury the goldfish,
who hug us in a hurry and forget their lunch money,
who cover themselves in Band-Aids and sing off-key,
who squeeze toothpaste all over the sink,
who slurp their soup.

And we pray for those:
who never get dessert,
who have no safe blanket to drag behind them,
who watch their parents watch them die,
who can't find any bread to steal,
who don't have any rooms to clean up,
whose pictures aren't on anybody's dresser,
whose monsters are real.

We pray for children:
who spend all their allowance before Tuesday,
who throw tantrums in the grocery store and pick at their food,
who like ghost stories,
who shove dirty clothes under the bed,
who never rinse the tub,
who get visits from the tooth fairy,
who don't like to be kissed in front of the carpool,
who squirm in church and scream in the phone,
who tears we sometimes laugh at,
and whose smiles can make us cry.

And we pray for those:
whose nightmares come in the daytime,
who will eat anything,
who have never seen a dentist,
who aren't spoiled by anybody,
who go to bed hungry and cry themselves to sleep,
who live and move, but have no being.

We pray for children:
who want to be carried and for those who must,
who we never give up on,
and for those who don't get a second chance.
For those we smother...
and for those who will grab the hand of anybody kind enough to offer it.

We pray for the children.

Wait Training

I like the idea of "wait training." It's this idea that I got from FCA about how we have to really practice waiting on God and allowing His timing to control our lives. We honestly live in a world of drive-throughs, of instant oatmeal and of speedy conveniences. (And believe me, I am just as attached to having my weather pop up on Google every morning...) Everything these days is so accessible, readily available. God is the most readily available, but often His timing doesn't line up exactly with ours. And that's when we get frustrated. We're interested in momentary satisfaction, in instant gratification. Whether we're ready for God to answer a prayer or to make a clear statement of direction in our lives, we want to hear Him and we want to hear Him NOW.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths." -Proverbs 3:5-6 (ESV)

Here's an example: the story of Jacob and Esau. Esau "came in from the field, and he was exhausted. And Esau said to Jacob, "Let me eat some of that red stew, for I am exhausted." Jacob said, "Sell me your birthright now." Esau said, "I am about to die; of what use is a birthright to me?'" (Genesis 25: 29-32, ESV) Esau needed momentary gratification. He wasn't interested in the long-term consequences of what he chose to do. We have this saying that we use from the speaker at Cornerstone: "Don't touch the red stuff," which refers to the stew that Jacob was cooking. I was thinking the other day about the example of dating, but I had to relate it to something more concrete so I used money. Here's what I thought about...and this might not make any sense at all...Okay, so imagine if God held up a ten dollar bill and said to you, "You can have this ten dollar bill right now, or I can promise you that in five years, if you don't take the ten dollars now, you can have a million dollars." I wanted to relate this to other things in life, to waiting for God's best and not settling for anything less. Here's the difference, though. God doesn't hold up the five-years-from-now option. We see the here and now, and we don't see what is offered in the future. And I think that might be why it's so hard to wait for God's timing and to not settle for anything less than the best God has in store for us.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight." -2 Corinthians 5:7, ESV

Second, I'm going to look at the story of Lazarus. (John 11) Mary tells Jesus that Lazarus is ill, but Jesus stays where he is (out of town, basically) for two extra days. Lazarus dies, but Jesus raises him from the dead. Here comes Jesus, days late, but He's still on time. God's timing is always perfect.

The last thing I wanted to look at is from Mark chapter 1. There are a lot of references to time in this chapter, and in the ESV translation, the word "immediately" appears again and again. But basically, Jesus is going around doing some pretty incredible things, from preaching the gospel to telling Simon and Andrew to follow Him, to casting demons out of a man, to healing Simon's mother-in-law, Mary, to cleansing a leper. But in the middle of all of that, He takes time off by himself to pray. Simon and the others are freaking out because everyone wants to see Jesus, and here's Jesus hanging out with God and praying. I think it's interesting because I don't think Jesus really needed to go off somewhere to talk to God, because He was God, so His connection to the Father is inherent. I think He did this, a) to demonstrate to us the importance for rest and solitude and constant communication with God and b) to exemplify this idea of God's timing. If God wasn't ready for Jesus to continue healing people and ministering to everyone, then Jesus would wait.

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" -Psalm 27:14 (ESV)

Amazing Grace

I went to see Amanzing Grace, the movie, with Laura Jo last night. The movie was outstanding, though they never sang the entire hymn the whole way through. At the end, though, the hymn is played by bagpipes, and even though I didn't cry during any of the movie, I started crying while the bagpipes played. The movie, again, was outstanding, and I highly, highly, highly recommend it. The movie showed me a bunch of different things that I don't always think about enough. 1) Abraham Lincoln ended slavery in the United States, but years before that, thanks to the dedication and perseverance of a few individuals who were willing to stand up for what they believed, the slave trade was outlawed. 2) Slavery is something that repulses me completely, as it does most of us. But the truth is that there is such a thing as modern-day slavery, and if nothing else, we ought to be praying for those fellow human beings who are oppressed and controlled by others.

Here are a few quotations from the movie that I especially liked:
-after two young men race across a field, they start to walk back toward the house. "Why is it that thorns only hurt when you stop running?"

-the same two young men are talking about climbing the ranks in parliament and making a difference:

"No one of our age [has ever done it]."

"Which is why we're too young to realize that some things are impossible."

-"Although my memory is fading, I remember two things very clearly. I am a great sinner and Christ is a great savior."

Joy

Joy is not the absence of pain, but the presence of God.

All for Love's Sake Became Poor

I'm sitting under an overpass, between the clay earth and the concrete that comprises the bridge. There are four other students around me and a volunteer. The man we're talking to is homeless. He's a little intoxicated and so his speech is slurred. I'm only catching about 90% of what he's saying. All of his earthly possessions surround him and the smell of alcohol fills the air. It's maybe ten o'clock at night. We've brought him a hot meal and some snacks, but what he really wants, I soon realize is just some company. So we listen. And we talk. We talk about God, about mistakes, about life. Cars whiz by overhead and he looks at me. "Do you believe in God?" "Yes," I tell him. "Do you love me?" "Yes," I tell him, "because God has loved me and has taught me how to love." I wanted to tell him that everything would be okay. That tomorrow would surely be better. But I realized that this sort of hope can only come from faith in Jesus Christ, from the truth that "our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all" (2 Cor. 4:17). How do you explain to someone who has nothing and is lonely that God can and will provide...how do you tell them to believe in something that they don't see evidence of?

I was frustrated. The best way to explain this frustration is to use a metaphor. The board game Monopoly. All twenty-something of us GUPYs got into small groups on Saturday night and played Monopoly. There were three rules: 1) regular Monopoly rules apply; 2) you cannot quit, you can lose, but you can't quit; 3) whatever the "leader" (four staff workers, one for each group) says, goes. Basically, what happened was that three of us only got a few dollars when we passed GO, while the others got $500 or something. The "privileged" people could build houses on properties, even if they didn't have the complete set; they could build double hotels on their properties, and buy hotels for merely the price of a house. The rest of us were "taxed" at random times, and quickly lost our money either to the "system" or to the wealthier players. In the game, I was at a disadvantage and quickly wanted to give up. I was tired of not being able to take a step forward...like the cartoon characters who run on the rug that just piles up behind them, I got nowhere. Meanwhile, the privileged players were asking why we didn't just "try harder." As though the roll of the dice was in our control, as though the system actually noticed whether we tried or not.
But in real life, I was left wondering why I was one who got more when I passed GO...why others got so little...

King of all days, Oh so highly exalted
Glorious in Heaven above
Humbly, You came to the earth You created
All for love's sake became poor.

At GUPY, I re-learned about Reconciliation, Redistribution and Relocation. Christ is the ultimate example of these three. In coming to earth, He gave up His place in Heaven to become man. He would experience pain, temptation, suffering, etc. That's serious relocation, and all for the sake of reconciling us to God the Father. As for us, the Gospel is worth whatever the cost is for us to follow Christ's example. I'm still trying to digest everything from GUPY, so I'll try to post some more later.

Isaiah 55:10-12

For as the rain and the snow come
down from heaven
and do not return there but water the
earth,
making it bring forth and sprout,
giving seed to the sower and bread to
the eater,
so shall my word be that goes out from
My mouth
it shall not return to Me empty,
but it shall accomplish that which I
purpose,
and shall succeed in the thing for
which I sent it.

For you shall go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and the hills before you
shall break forth into singing,
and all the trees of the field shall clap
their hands.

-Isaiah 55:10-12 (ESV)

What should I be doing right now: studying

What should I NOT be doing right now: blogging

But I am anyway. Because life can wait. I think I've finally gotten tired of being in a hurry All the Time. But the way I feel doesn't mean that I'm going to suddenly slow down at life. I haven't figured out How to do That yet.

Marshall asked me to truly consider doing GUPY (Greensboro Urban Project, Y'all) this summer. But the truth is, I know there's no way we can afford that. David asked why I didn't just take a leap of faith and trust that God would provide... I want to trust very badly that, if this is where God wants me, that I would be able to make that sort of commitment without knowing where the money would come from, but it's still A LOT of money. It's a lot of money I don't have and a lot of money, in general. I've actually been thinking about GUPY a lot, and for Marshall to approach me tonight made me really wonder just what it is I'm supposed to do this summer...

I go back to that Urbana quote about taking risks:
"We think we're hearing God say 'no' but really, He's saying 'Just go ahead and take the leap of faith, you'll be amazed at the ways in which I come through.'"

Cornerstone

Do you ever think about the fact that we were created for eternity, reader? I do. Well, I've been thinking about it a lot since Friday night at Cornerstone. What if we didn't live to make it past the next test, or to make it through today, or to graduate from college? What if we lived with the constant belief that we were created for eternity? I wonder in what ways we would look differently in our day-to-day lives...

Cornerstone was really hard for me but completely awesome all at once. I danced and enjoyed it, but it was also hard, especially on Saturday night and Sunday morning, when we finished worship after we heard the talks. The talk, especially the one on Sunday, really got to me. Mark talked about how we are broken, how God wants to heal us, but we have to be receptive to that. He also said that when we come into a relationship with God, we don't bring assets to the relationship. We bring liabilities. So, when I got up to dance, I was nearly in tears and trying hard not to cry in front of everyone. That was a little weird. We talked about a lot of stuff at Cornerstone that I'm still trying to process, but the big thing for me was re-realizing that I was created for eternity, not for a moment. There is this song by Justin Christian that I really like, and here are a couple lines that really speak to me everytime I hear them:
"Raise your head above this muddy mire
And see a better day.
Please don't despair,
'Cause you were born for brighter lights
Than this whole world could ever bear."

Imagine if you lived as though you knew that you were born for bigger things than this world could ever contain! How cool is that!?

A Crayon as a Metaphor...

"For me, I suppose the greatest change came in understanding the power of being broken. It had taken a while for me to realize that the breaking was not God's discipline but His blessing. What a paradox: Our blessing lay in our breaking. Yes that's what it was. Oh, I still had my battles, believe me, but from that day of giving up and being broken, something had changed. I was freer, I was able to serve less fearfully, less self-conciously. And, broken, there was more of me to give and share with others. " -When the Last Leaf Falls

"More people get to use a crayon when it's broken." -Laura Jo pointed that out to me tonight at Coffee House and it got me thinking...and I wonder how many of us have experienced that...the realization that in our brokenness, we become more usable to others. We can share, empathize, whatever...but our brokenness helps us relate to them. Crayons are only so good when they're whole, because only one person can use them. But when they're broken, it's not as "nice" to be sure, but more people stand to gain something. And so too, our brokeness is painful, but we are able to give of ourselves to others. (maybe that doesn't make any sense...)

I think we all have these struggles that we go through-- that break us, strengthen us, tear us apart, bring us to tears, cause us pain and heartache, whatever. Whatever it is, it hurts. We've all been there and we'll all be there again, no doubt. Rick Warren, at Urbana 2006, said that God never wastes a hurt...that God will make your greatest weakness your greatest strength. Basically, the thing that tears you up inside, will be the thing that will help you relate to others. Praise the Lord that this is true. Something good can come out of something painful and hard. And the pain does subside. In some cases, the pain subsides and we move on. Other times, the pain is apparent daily and the process of being restored by God is a daily one. It's a process of forgiveness, accepting God's grace and forgiveness and forgiving yourself as well; it's a process of prayer, of frustration and anxiety as you await results; it's a process of support from friends and encouragement as you heal and learn what it means to live in spite of what happened. It's a process of realizing that, in your darkest moments, God never left; in your hurt, God does not abandon you; in your brokenness, God is ready to heal.

"Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen." -2 Corinthians 4:16-18

God never wastes a hurt.