Worship

So, I've been dancing all my life. I danced for about fifteen years before coming to college, and then I stopped. But that's not the point of this post. The point is that I've been involved in the dance ministry with IV at UNCG, and sometimes I get so frustrated because I don't feel like when we dance in front of people that it comes across as worship. Even if I go into it with my heart set on worshipping God, and not on the people watching me, I feel like it still comes across to them as a performance. I've been trying desperately to figure out how to reconcile this because the last thing I want is for people to feel like I am looking to perform or get their praise.

And I realized, as I continue reading Unceasing Worship (long overdue to be back in the IV Office...), that I am putting worship into a box that is opened during IV, maybe during small group, and during church. It's the other times in my daily life that I'm forgetting that worship ought to be a lifestyle. "Authentic worship is continuous outpouring summed up in personal holiness...the Christian needs to hear but one call to worship and offer only one response." (Unceasing Worship)

"Authentic worship and continuous outpouring are to be undertaken by faith, driven by love, designed by hope and saturated with truth, whatever the context, time and place." (Unceasing Worship)

And as I prepare, choreograph and learn dances for Cornerstone, I wonder what it would look like, if those of us who are "supposed" to dance didn't choreograph ahead of time, but simply moved as the Spirit led us. Would other people feel more comfortable to worship in new ways? What would it look like for everyone in the room to be moving (or not) according, not to whether they felt comfortable doing so, but rather according to how movement became or could be worship for them?

"Worship is a voluntary act of gratitude offered by the saved to the Savior, by the healed to the Healer, and by the delivered to the Deliverer. And if you and I can go days without feeling and urge to say "thank you" to the One who saved, healed and delivered us, then we'd do well to remember what He did." (Max Lucado, In the Eye of the Storm)

It's not that a choreographed piece is therefore NOT worship; it's just not moving according to how God is speaking to you, because it's preconceived. Don't get me wrong; even when I am "performing" (and I can't think of a better word, but I hate using that word in this context) a choreographed piece, I am worshipping. I'm just not sure that it a) comes across as worship and b) is inviting to those who feel led to move, dance, jump, etc in a way that would allow people to step out of their comfort zones.

The more I think, pray and understand, the more I feel like, if we are to worship as a community of believers, it seems there needs to be a different way than choreographing every piece ahead of time. If only I could truly articulate this well to other people...

Thought for Today and Every Day

"Everything is necessary that He sends. Nothing can be necessary that He withholds."
-Isaac Newton, author of "Amazing Grace"

Blessings in Abundance

So, the kidney stones have made their presence known once again. For the last few months, they've hurt occassionally, like a quick, at most thirty-second, twinge of pain, but nothing like the last thirty two hours or so. Sunday night, I realized that I was experiencing THE pain again. THE pain that sent me to the ER last time. THE pain that is unlike anything else I've ever experienced. THE pain that the doctor said is avoidable in the future if I drink 6-10 liters of water per day (do you know how much that is, reader? I'd pretty much be going to the bathrom constantly!) But anyway, I felt really bad Sunday night, but I took some pain medication, which only served to make me dizzy, nauseous and a little loopy. But through the pain, God has proved to me once again that my friends embody and live out Christian community. Do you, O reader, have friends like these? Friends who will see you through the pain to the end, without regard for themselves?

I can't remember exactly why or how the idea came about, except that I returned from a trip to the bathroom (one of many, to be sure), to hear David tell me that they (he, Eric, Amanda #2, and KVP) were going to take turns staying up with me all night. I announced, however falsely, that I hated Christian Community, at that moment. I hate letting people do stuff for me; it's a common characteristic among our group...we call it "robbing someone of a blessing." (As a side note, I think the community that comes out of the bonds we share through Christ is invaluable and amazing, and these two semesters have showed me just what it means to be a member, both a receiving and a giving member of that community.) But anyway, David and KVP took the first shift; David reading The Chronicles of Narnia, me lying on the couch in the basement of our building... I was pretty much chugging the water. In fact, my body now expects constant hydration. So, I had to use the restroom every five to fifteen minutes, and the pain was dull and constant, but would occassionally flare up. But through it all, they were there. Holding my hands, praying, reading, pacing, or whatever. But mostly, I think, they just wanted me to feel better.

It was quite the night. I don't remember much, except that I drank A LOT of Water, and went to the bathroom more, and faded in and out of sleep.

The update is that everyone has been praying for me, for something to change. And today, I woke up, still in a fair amount of pain, but by lunchtime I was feeling a little better and after my 2pm class, I felt pretty good. There are still occassional twinges of pain, where I squirm a little because the feeling that shoots through my body is uncomfortable to say the least. But Praise the Lord, because I can function again. He is faithful and wonderful, and has provided not only solace from the pain, and prayerful support from those around me, but amazing friends to see me through as well. God is good.

Blessed...so blessed

This week has been really eye-opening for me in many ways. On Wednesdays, Grace Community Church serves dinner to between 150 and 200 homeless people. This was my first week volunteering to serve dinner. I went, mostly because I'd heard about it, and I had really been affected by the soup-kitchen experience I had this summer in California. I had no idea, though, that I would be so affected by my experience at Grace. Maybe it was the children who have no where to call home. Maybe it was the gracious looks from the adults. Maybe it was the frigid weather outside. Maybe it was the realization that it wasn't just the food, or the warm building, but the love that we could offer through Jesus that might affect these people. I don't know what it was, but I was in tears by the end of the night. In tears because I had a warm place to lay my head, hot meals at school three times a day, and in general more material things than I needed, more blessings than I could count. I want to go back...because I don't want to stay in the college-bubble, of believing that I am "poor" or that I am not well-off or blessed. Because I am. And I praise God that my heart longs for these people to be blessed and to know Christ. I am grateful that my heart broke for these people, and I want it to continue to break because the need remains, and to ignore it or pretend it doesn't exist because it's too heart breaking is not what God calls us to do.

On Thursday night at InterVarsity, we talked about Silence. About how little time we spend in silence, and how we are looking for God to speak in a booming voice. And maybe, in doing so, we miss the whisper. Max Lucado puts it: "Because we look for the bonfire, we miss the candle. Because we listen for the shout, we miss the whisper. But it is in burnished candles that God comes, and through whispered promises that He speaks, 'When you doubt, look around; I am closer than you think.'" I am terrible with silence, or quiet time. I do spend time in the word and in prayer, but I think there's this idea of meditation that I'm missing. I have a tendency to fill up my schedule beyond belief, leaving no time for downtime. I don't want the thoughts in my head to flood my mind and overwhelm me. It's easier to be constantly busy than to deal with things that are hard, painful or uncomfortable. Zephaniah 3:17 says:
"The LORD your God is in your midst,
a mighty one who will save;
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing."

The story of Elijah from 1 Kings is something we touched on during IV: (1 Kings 19:11-13)

The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.

This question was posed: "Is it possible that you've been searching for God in the winds, the earthquakes and fires and He's waiting to speak to you in the silence?

Jesus says in Matthew 11: "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden in light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

I am guilty of always needing to be around people or of always needing to have noise. I walk around campus with my iPod in my ears. David actually called me out on it, telling me it makes me seem inaccessible/unapproachable. He said it's like having a big sign on my forehead that says, "Leave me alone." And he's right. I am not trying to be inaccessible, it's just my method for destressing. But yeah, so I'm going to work on that.

Last night we were playing Dutch Blitz (per usual), and my friend Anne from highschool had come to stay the night. It was fun and I like that my college friends (KVP, Amanda, Kelsey, Eric and David) like her. That makes me happy. But the things that get said when we're playing cards are certainly worth mentioning on the blog. I always tell them "that's going on the blog" (the blog they don't read...) but I usually forget the quotes before I have a chance to post. But I wrote a couple down last night.

"I feel a lot more mellow with Jack Johnson singing from my lap." (David)

Kelsey was heading for the bathroom when she turned around and looked at us. We were like: "What?" And she said, "I was going to wash my hands and I was going to ask if anybody wanted me to wash theirs, but..."

My friends are absolutely the best. And as David says God pretty much rocks my face off.

Urbana

So, I promised to talk about Urbana at some point, but most days, (today included), I feel inadequate to even try to explain the way God moved in me and the way He changed my heart at Urbana.

The first thing is that we had large group worship sessions with more than 20,000 people. Imagine, if there were a full football stadium, and everyone was singing praise songs, clapping their hands or raising their hands, dancing, jumping up and down...Just imagine. I think I got a little taste of heaven that day. It was uh-mazing.

A lot of the large group talks really spoke to me. There was one where the speaker asked if we had "settled." What she meant was: Have you convinced yourself that God is saying "no" when He's really saying "go for it, and see what I can do!" Are you settling for something comfortable, when God is calling you to a higher purpose.

"Ultimately, it's all up to God; we're just called to be faithful." Our lifetime is full of saying "yes" to God in little and big situations, to little and big choices.

I also started learning what it truly meant to serve God here on earth. One of the hardest things for me, (it really has been for a long time and will continue to be, I'm sure) is discerning God's voice amongst the noice of the world. Urbana didn't solve this problem for me, because there isn't a solution. The opportunity for us, though, is to grow and mature as children of God. There is a difference between a "good" idea and a "God" idea. We're going to become better disciples when we STAY at the foot of the cross. And I think it was C.S. Lewis who is quoted as saying, "The more I grow as God's child, the more I can trust the desires of my heart." Rick Warren said: "If you get usable, God will wear you out!" That's soooo exciting to me.

There's a Casting Crowns song that says, "How refreshing to know you don't need me...How amazing to find that You want me." That combined with Urbana helped me understand that I'm so thankful that God's grace, mercy and conversion of other people does not depend on me...because I would, without a doubt, FAIL miserably. That's just the truth. BUT the cool thing is that God WANTS to use ME!!! God made me for a purpose, ON PURPOSE. I was made by God, for God. In fact, Rick Warren puts it as: "You are NOT one in a million. You are one in SIX BILLION!" He talked mostly about Purpose. How there are three things that define how people live. People either live in the realm of survival...the realm of success... or the realm of significance. And significance, he explained, is what Christians should be aiming to live in...and significance comes from knowing and living out your calling. "If you're not going to be you, you're irrelevant. God doesn't make carbon copies; you are here for a reason." I just think that's so cool. It's really awesome that I am someone special, not a mistake and I have a purpose for my time on earth... a purpose outlined, planned and conceptualized by God. And that holds true for every person who has ever, is currently, and will ever live. Nice.

But how do you find significance? Rick Warren said there are five things that you can look at, in the acronym SHAPE.

S- spiritual gifts
H- Heart: what you LOVE to do
A- abilities, or your natural talents
P- Personality (you are unique here too. If two people are exactly alike and agree on everything, one of them isn't necessary.)
E- experiences (these shape who you are and how you view the world; your past pains will help you relate to others.)

In regards to pain, Rick Warren also talked about Sympathy, Empathy and Compassion. Sympathy is when you're sorry something happened to someone else. Empathy is when you hurt because someone else hurts. Compassion is when you are willing to do anything to take the hurt away from someone else.

One last thing about Urbana, though I will probably add more later.

WHATEVER- do whatever He tells you; you sign the check and let God fill in the amount
WHENEVER- always be ready to answer anyone who asks you to explain the hope you have in you
WHEREVER- wherever He calls you, you go.

It's An Update!!!

My new classes have started and I haven't even posted about Urbana yet...Oops!

Quick update on the classes...I'm taking:
Sign Language I
Spanish 311 (Adv. Spanish Conversation)
Global Justice (my honors seminar)
Honors ProSeminar
Art 100 (Living with Art)
Biology 105 (Forensics and Criminology, mixed with basic biology)
Political Science 105 (Political Issues)

So far, I love all my classes, save my Spanish class, which I am enjoying but already stressing about. It will be interesting to see which ones I end up loving the most.

It's nice to be back in Greensboro. I have spent so much time with my friends the last few days that I actually feel empty when I'm alone in the dorm room or in a class where I don't know anyone...kinda scary there...In fact, I'm even beginning to take on their mannerisms and speech habits...
David has me saying "just a tish" (just a little bit, basically) and "back up off"
Kelsey has me saying "uh-mazing" (amazing)
Laura Jo has me saying "I kinda feel like..." (as in, I kinda feel like you shouldn't do that, or I kinda feel like that's not normal)
Katie hasn't gotten me saying "oh dear" yet but I'm sure that's bound to happen.
Everyone now has me saying "oh, sad story" or "oh, sad day" when something happens-- like a card I didn't want is played in a game or something

Saturday we played Settlers of Catan (best board game EVER) twice...and once on Sunday. On Sunday, we also played Dutch Blitz (best card game EVER) for three hours-ish. Monday night I had small group and we played Dutch Blitz for an hour or so. Then yesterday, we played Dutch Blitz for two and half hours, then we went to dinner. Then we came back and played Dutch Blitz until after midnight, with some Egyptian Ratscrew in there too. We're crazy, basically.

Amanda Coale (aka Amanda 3) said during Dutch Blitz last night: "Why can't there be homo amish people?" Probably the quote of the week, right there. But you'd have to have played the game to truly understand. Basically, two of the four colors of cards (green, blue, red and yellow) have girls on them and the other two have boys on them, and in one section of the game, you can stack the cards in descending order, girl on boy, or boy on girl but not boy on boy or girl on girl...hope that made sense.

So, we're all pretty much addicted to Dutch Blitz and Settlers. Last night we finally stopped because it was late; I was falling asleep sitting up and everyone else was tired. The only other times we really stop are for hall meetings, to stretch some (or dance, thank you Kelsey), to get food or...nope I think that's it.

I HAVE A CALLING

I'm sitting at my computer right now, trying desperately to figure out how to convey Urbana 2006 to my few faithful readers out there.

I told someone that Urbana 06 was priceless and that it changed my life. And it did. But how can I express to you, oh reader, just what Urbana showed me, what it opened my eyes to, and how it changed my life.

It's hard to explain to someone the change that goes on in your heart, the way your relationship with your Savior is altered and the way your view of your place in the world has shifted. How do you express the way the lyrics of a song speak to you, move you to tears and perfectly sum up the feelings that have welled up in you for so long that you could hardly understand? How do you explain to someone the way something a speaker said spoke to you in a way nothing ever has? How can you ever describe what it feels like to look around a convention center and watch as 23,000 Christians worship the same God you are, raise their hands in praise, sway back and forth in emotion? Can anyone who wasn't there actually, truly, really understand what you felt, thought, and went through? And even if someone was there, can they understand the way it changed you personally?

The theme of Urbana 2006 was "Live a Life Worthy of the Calling." The theme was taken from Ephesians: "As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received." (Ephesians 4:1)

A few of my favorite things said at Urbana that I remember were:
-Isn't the gospel worth it?
-Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where all the fruit is?
-If you never leap off the cliff, how will Jesus ever catch you?
-So often we think we are hearing God saying "no" to something, but He's really saying "Why don't you take the risk for Me, and just see what I can do!?"

There's tons more to tell, but I don't have my notes nearby. I'll post more later as the things I learned, the things I've experienced, and everything I've felt and thought continue to churn away inside my head.

Prodigal

"Being a Christian doesn't mean you sin less; it means you take your sin to the foot of the cross faster."


Living on my own,
thinking for myself
Castles in sand,
temporary wealth
Walls are falling down,
storms are closing in
Tears have filled my eyes,
here I am again

And I've held out as long as I can
Now I'm letting go
and holding out my hand
Daddy, here I am again,
will you take me back tonight?
I went and made the world my friend,
and it left me high and dry
I dragged Your name back through the mud
That You first found me in
Not worthy to be called Your son
Is this to be my end?
Daddy, here I am
Here I am again

Curse this morning sun,
that drags me in to one more day
Of reaping what I've sown,
of living with my shame
Welcome to my world,
and the life that I have made
Where one day you're a prince,
the next day your a slave

And I've held out as long as I can
Now I'm letting go
and holding out my hand
Daddy, here I am again,
will you take me back tonight
I went and made the world my friend,
and it left me high and dry
I dragged Your name back through the mud
That You first found me in
Not worthy to be called Your son
Is this to be my end?
Daddy, here I am
Here I am again

I think they're singing...

"Yesterday's challenges are lost in today's joys...and tomorrow's dream becomes today's courage." -Max Lucado

"But you are strong, strong in Christ and you need to trust that He is bigger than all of it."-Laura Jo

Picture (left to right): Sammie Jo, Mary, Laura Jo

I am blessed by friends

"When I find myself fading, I close my eyes and realize my friends are my energy." -Anonymous

"Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself--and especially to feel. Or, not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to--letting a person be what he really is." -James Douglas Morrison

"Friends are those people who know the words to the song in your heart and sing them back to you when you have forgotten the words." -Anonymous




"Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me; I may not lead.
Walk beside me and just be my friend." -Albert Camus

"I have learned that to be with those I like is enough." -Walt Whitman

It's times like these...

Last night (Thursday), Amanda 3, Mary and I went over to Karen's house around 7. I got back to campus (note that I had an 8am exam on Friday) five minutes before midnight. But I realized just how happy I am here. How happy these people make me. How happy I am because I am myself around them.

A little birthday cake, a little bit of good, hard-core rounds of Mafia, a little playing with Jonah (the long-haired, Doxin, cocker-spaniel mix), a little eating cookies that weren't completely cooked, a little Taboo, a little organic milk, a little creepy ornaments, a little secretarial work, a little decorating the Christmas tree, and a lot of laughing and talking.

It's times like these when I realize that I love this place, I love these people and I love this life.

The Lighthouse Law

• Love God more than you fear hell.
• Once a week, let a child take you on a walk.
• Make major decisions in a cemetery.
• When no one is watching, live as if someone is.
• Succeed at home first.
• Don't spend tomorrow's money today.
• Pray twice as much as you fret.
• Listen twice as much as you speak.
• Only harbor a grudge when God does.
• Never outgrow your love of sunsets
• Treat people like angels; you will meet some and help make some.
• 'Tis wiser to err on the side of generosity than on the side of scrutiny.
• God has forgiven you; you'd be wise to do the same.
• When you can't trace God's hand, trust His heart.
• Toot your own horn and the notes will be flat.
• Don't feel guilty for God's goodness.
• The book of life is lived in chapters, so know your page number.
• Never let the important be the victim of the trivial.
• Live your liturgy.

"To sum it all up: Approach life like a voyage on a schooner. Enjoy the view. Explore the vessel. Make friends with the Captain. Fish a little. And then get off when you get home... It [is] good to be reminded again that this journey is a brief one. That Jesus knows how I feel and that he'd scramble off a mountain and walk through a storm to convince me of that."

"Salvation is God's sudden, calming presence during the stormy seas of our lives. We hear His voice; we take the step. We, like Paul, are aware of two things: We are great sinners and we need a great Savior. We, like Peter, are aware of two facts: We are going down and God is standing up. So we scramble out. We leave behind [our sinking ship] of self-righteousness and stand on the solid path of God's grace. And, surprisingly, we are able to walk on water. Death is disarmed. Failures are forgivable. Life has real purpose. And God is not only within sight, He is within reach. . .For a season of surprising strength, we stand upon His promises. It doesn't make sense that we are able to do this. We don't claim to be worthy of such an incredible gift. . .Most of us, though, face the wind of doubt. . .And downward we plunge. Heavied by mortality's mortar, we sink. Gulping and thrashing, we fall into a dark, wet world. We open our eyes and see only blackness. We try to breathe, and no air comes. We kick and fight out way back to the surface. . .And we hope that the same Christ who called us out of the boat will call us out of the sea. . .[There is] one God who'll walk through hell or high water to extend a helping hand to a child who cries for help." -Max Lucado, In the Eye of the Storm

And it got me thinking...

"Yesterday's challenges are lost in today's joys." -In the Eye of the Storm, by Max Lucado

"Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen." -2 Corinthians 4: 16-18

"Life's mishaps and horrors are only a page out of a grand book. We must be slow about drawing conclusions. We must reserve judgment on life's storms until we know the whole story... For it was the Carpenter who said it best: 'Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.' He should know. He is the Author of our story. And He has already written the final chapter." -In the Eye of the Storm, by Max Lucado

He's Always Been Faithful- By Sara Groves

Great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me

Morning by morning I wake up to find
The power and comfort of God’s hand in mine
Season by season I watch Him, amazed
In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways

All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me

I can’t remember a trial or a pain
He did not recycle to bring me gain
I can’t remember one single regret
In serving God only, and trusting His hand

All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me

This is my anthem, this is my song
The theme of the stories I’ve heard for so long
God has been faithful, He will be again
His loving compassion, it knows no end

All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful, He’s always been faithful
He’s always been faithful to me

"He's Always Been Faithful" by Sara Groves

"Getting into You" by Relient K

when i made up my mind
and my heart along with that
to live not for myself
but yet for God
somebody said
"do you know what you are getting yourself into?"

when i finally ironed out
all of my priorities
and asked God to remove the doubt
that makes me unsure of these
things i ask myself
i ask myself
"do you know what you are getting yourself into?"

i'm getting into you
because you got to me
in a way words can't describe
i'm getting into you
because i've got to be
you're essential to survive
i'm going to love you with my life

when he looked at me and said
"i kind of view you as a son"
and for a second our eyes met
and i met that with a question
"do you know what you are getting yourself into?"

i'm getting into you
because you got to me
in a way words can't describe
i'm getting into you
because i've got to be
you're essential to survive
i'm going to love you with my life

i've been a liar and i'll never amount to
the kind of person you deserve to worship you
you say you will not dwell on what i did
but rather what i do
you say"i love you and that's what you are getting yourself into"

i'm getting into you (getting into you)
because you got to me (because you got to me)
in a way words can't describe
i'm getting into you (getting into you)
because i've got to be (because i've got to be)
you're essential to survive
i'm going to love you with my life
i'm getting into you (getting into you)
because you got to me (because you got to me)
in a way words can't describe
i'm getting into you (getting into you)
because i've got to be (because i've got to be)
you're essential to survive
i'm going to love you with my life

you said "i love you and that's what you're getting into"

"More" by Matthew West

Take a look at the mountains
Stretching a mile high
Take a look at the ocean
Far as your eye can see
And think of Me

Take a look at the desert
Do you feel like a grain of sand?
I am with you wherever
Where you go is where I am
And I'm always thinking of you

Take a look around you
I'm spelling it out one by one

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more

Just a face in the city
Just a tear on a crowded street
But you are one in a million
And you belong to Me

And I want you to know
That I'm not letting go
Even when you come undone

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more

I love you more
Shine for Me
Shine for Me
Shine on, shine on
Shine for Me

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more

And I see you
And I made you
And I love you more than you can imagine
More than you can fathom
I love you more than the sun
And you shine for me

Lots to be thankful for

Thanksgiving is always a stressful time for my family-- I don't know why, exactly. It usually begins when my parents start trying to divy up time and try to agree on what is "fair" in regards to how much time my sister and I spend where. The stress continues as we prepare to go visit my mom's family for a half day or so. This year was especially stressful because it would be the first without my grandmother, and the family had been through some rocky times when my grandmother's health was failing. Amd then of course, there's the stress of switching houses, whichever I go to first. And so on...

This year, we celebrated Thanksgiving with my mom's family at one of my aunt's houses. Everyone was supposed to bring something-- we brought pumpkin cheesecake and broccoli salad. I think I was laughing the entire time I was there. One of my uncles had said he was going to come and grab a takeout box, and leave (in reality, he didn't...). And then there's my cousin who announced so sweetily at the table that he is homophobic (you could hear the crickets churping after he said that). And another of my uncles talked for thirty minutes about kidney stones, what you can/can't eat, what the actual medical explanation is, etc. And there were a few moments when everyone at the table was listing what they thought I should grow up to be: peace corps volunteer, journalist, politician, preacher, etc etc etc. Ah, yes, I love my extended family. I am reminded of how strangely normal we are.

I'm in my dorm tonight, Saturday. It's quiet on campus. The dining services are completely closed. The elevator has remained where I left it, when I used it to bring me and my load from home up, all night. There is one other person on my hall, and maybe a handful in the entire building. I like it. Tonight, I am thankful for:
-the quiet, peaceful atmosphere and time to regroup
-kidney stones because I am reminded that it could be so much worse
-an AC system that tries to work, but fails, because it means that when I get it fixed I will be warm for the winter
-all the work I have to do and the exams I have coming up, because it means I can afford to go to school
and so on...

Never a dull moment...

This weekend was certainly an interesting one. On Friday night, I went to dinner at the Caf with Miriam and Amanda, and then we decided to take my car to the mall. But first, we picked up Laura Jo. So the four of us spent two hours or so at the mall, just walking through stores and hanging out.

After we got back to campus, we drove Miriam back to her dorm and dropped her off. Then, Amanda, Laura Jo and I went to Laura Jo's apartment to hang out and play Nintendo. Around midnight, we started watching Friends episodes, and that was when this incredible pain started. I tried to sit still, but I couldn't sit comfortably. My lower abdomen and lower back were in the most pain I have ever experienced. By 12:45, I finally told Laura Jo and Amanda how much pain I was in, and I started kneeling on the floor, in an attempt to get comfortable. Laura Jo gave me Advil, but it didn't help. I was in tears by the time one of Laura Jo's roommates came in, who immediately said this looked like the pain she has from her ovarian cysts. So she gave me half of a hydrocodon, which Laura Jo okay-ed...(she was a pharmacy technician). By 1:30, the hydrocodon hadn't kicked in and I was still in really bad pain, so Laura Jo and Amanda asked me what I wanted to do. They agreed to go get my car and drive me back to my dorm, so I could try to sleep.

On their way back to LJ's apartment to pick me up, LJ called me and said they had changed their minds. "We're taking you to the hospital." I didn't fight it, as I had all night. We got to the Emergency Room a little after 2am. I got checked in, gave a pee sample, and answered a ton more questions. Soon, the nurse came in to draw blood and hook me up to an IV, which I was just a tad anxious about. The IV immediately started pumping Demerol into my body-- that's a med they usually give to cancer patients for pain. The Demerol gave me a really, really bad headache at first, but then it made me dizzy and I started falling in and out of sleep. They were also pumping anti-nausea drugs into me to keep me from throwing up. They did a CAT scan, and about two hours later, they told me I had two kidney stones, one on either side. They prescribed medicine (Oxycodone) and sent me home, with a souvenir pair of socks. I can't have anything with caffeine until I pass the stones, which, as I write this on Sunday evening at 10:50pm, I have yet to do. I'm supposed to, and have been, drinking lots of liquids in order to speed the process along, but thus far, I'm still in pain. The pain, though, is a lot less than it was Friday night, but sitting is still painful (which is all you do, pretty much, in college).

So, that was my weekend. I spent Saturday helping prepare and serve a Thanksgiving meal to kids in a local low-income neighborhood, with my small group. Then Kelsey and I went to Seussical and sat in the Interpretor Section, and got to watch the show being signed. Then I got sleep! Then I went to LumberJack Ball, which is an annual InterVarsity event. By midnight, though, the drugs had knocked me out and I was fast asleep in front of a HUGE bonfire. This was not before I participated in cricket-spitting, SPEW (the alkaseltzer game), and Chubby Bunny, which I WON! My friends are awesome, all of them. They've been taking very good care of me and praying for me and doing whatever they can to help!

And Laura Jo is riding to Chapel Hill with me on Tuesday evening!!! YAY! But she might be driving my car, because if I'm still taking these pain killers, I can't drive. That's all.

Never Let Go

Can you lay your life down
so a stranger can live
Can you take what you need
but take less than you give

Could ya close every day
without the glory and fame
Could you hold your head high
when no one knows your name

That's how legends are made
at least thats what they say
We say goodbye
but never let go
We live, We die
'cause you can't save every soul
You gotta take every chance to
show that you're the kinda man who
will never look back
will never look down
and never let go

Can you lose everything
you ever had planned
Can you sit down again
and play another hand

Could you risk everything
for the chance of being alone
Under pressure find the grace
Would you come undone

That's how legends are made
at least that's what they say
We say goodbye
but never let go
We live, We die
'cause you can't save every soul
You gotta take every chance to
show that you're the kinda man who
will never look back
will never look down
and never let go

never let go
You gotta take every chance to
show that you're the kinda man who
will never look back
will never look down
and never let go

We say goodbye but never let go
We live, We die
'cause you can't save every soul
You gotta take every chance to
show that you're the kinda man who
will never look back
will never look down
and never let go
Never look back
Never look down,
and never let go.

-Bryan Adams, Eliot Kennedy and Trevor Rabin (at the end of the movie, The Guardian)

That's what it's all about...

Top: (Eric, dressed as his roommate Kirk, and me)
Middle: (Kelsey, a latin dancer, and me)
Bottom: (Laura Jo, as...I don't know...and me)