Honor(ed)

As my best friend plans her wedding, no detail, no matter how small, has been unknown to me. From colors, to the dress, to the location, each and every aspect has been something on which she asked my opinion, took me with her to shop or visit, etc. 99% of the time, I knew things before her family did.
But this weekend, she surprised me. We were in the Outer Banks together and I had gone to take a shower in our suite. When I returned, there was a note card and a small box on my pillow. I knew what the notecard was going to say because I had helped her type the poems for all six of them and print them up. She was then going to hand-write notes to each girl, asking them to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. So, you can imagine my surprise when I opened the card, read the poem, and where I had typed it to say "Will you be my bridesmaid?" at the bottom, it instead said, "Will you be my Maid of Honor?" I just sat there at first and the first thing I said to her was: "You typed up a whole other card." She just laughed. I was so shocked and so honored to be asked to play the biggest role in her wedding party. And of course, I accepted.
(Oh, and we had a lovely time in the Outer Banks).

George Whitfield, an 18th C preacher, was known for his theological disagreements with John Wesley. The two, though both respectable men, disagreed so greatly in their theology of Christianity. One day, a reporter asked George Whitfield about John Wesley. "Reverend," the reporter said, "do you think you will see John Wesley in Heaven?" The question was an obvious invitation to openly bash Wesley's theology and character.
"No, I do not," replied Whitfield.
"Why is that?" the reporter probed, surprised.
Whitfield answered, "Because I believe that John Wesley will be so close to the bosom of God that we will not be able to see him for all the surrounding glory."

Something Bigger Than Me

I realized yesterday that I expect other people to come through and "fix" things, whether they are professionals, friends, family, whatever. I expect that if I have a problem that I cannot fix, that they ought to know how and be willing to fix it. The problem is rarely with the willingness. It's the knowing how.

And I realized yesterday that my expectations of other people in this way stems from the fact that I don't completely trust God. I don't trust Him to be in control. I don't trust Him to take care of me. I don't trust Him to be good. I don't trust Him to...be God. So, I decided that that's not okay. (I know, I know I'm brilliant).

I am trying to live in the core truth that God is good and that His plan is perfect, whatever that means for my life right now.

Whatever You're doing inside of me,
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace.
And though it's hard to surrender to what I can't see,
I'm giving in to something Heavenly.

Whatever You're doing inside of me,
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me,
Larger than life, something heavenly.
-Sanctus Real

Irreplaceable

I realized yesterday that I have a serious need to feel like I cannot be easily replaced. And maybe this is selfish, worldly, un-Christian, and egotistical of me. But the need is very real.

I recently quit my job as an RA, which also means that I no longer sit on about five Departmental committees. It also means that I am not on the Exec Board of the RA Association. Obviously, the Department is trying to fill a gap because they are missing a staff member, but for some reason it hurts when I feel like they are just flippantly asking whoever comes to mind first if they'd like my job. I'd like to think that I was better at my job than the typical joe-schmoe.

My guess is that my need to feel irreplaceable is deeply rooted in my insecurity about my worth and whether or not I am good enough. It's an interesting revelation that at 20 I question monumental things like this. Shouldn't I be certain by now that I am worth something? That I am valued? Why is such an elementary idea so difficult for me to grasp?

And unfortunately, I don't just feel like this in my job. I feel like this in many areas of my life and it bothers me that I question in relationships if people could replace me with someone they liked better. Shouldn't I trust my friends and family and community more than that? Shouldn't I understand their love isn't going to just vanish?

Yeah, I don't know.

I've Come To Realize...

I didn't get tagged but I like this... and well, since I'm not sleeping pretty much at all, I haven't much better to do with my time.


1. I've come to realize that my hair...does not want to be straight or flat, regardless of how long I work on it in the mornings.
2. I've come to realize that my legs...appreciate high heels less than I thought.
3. I've come to realize that my job...became my identity.
4. I've come to realize that when I'm…becoming increasingly more relational the longer I'm in college.
5. I've come to realize that I need...to be around people.
6. I've come to realize that I have lost...my ability to keep people at arm's length for fear of getting hurt.
7. I've come to realize that I hate it when…people aren't listening to me.
8. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk…I can't answer this one, sorry.
9. I've come to realize that money...is easier to give away the more I understand that it isn't mine to begin with!
10. I've come to realize that people...aren't all going to leave; people will stay and they'll walk beside you.
11. I've come to realize that I'll always…believe that I can change the world.
12. I've come to realize that my significant other…will come along in God's perfect timing.
13. I've come to realize that my mom...does the best she can and loves me more than I know.
14. I've come to realize that my cell phone...is worth going back for even if I'm already running late.
15. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning I…wasn't sure I wanted to face another day.
16. I've come to realize last night before I went to sleep…the world keeps turning and each day is a fresh start.
17. I've come to realize right now I am thinking about ...how much I want to accomplish as I grow up.
19. I've come to realize that when I get on Myspace…I am creeped out and almost immediately log out.
20. I've come to realize that today...I'm where I'm called to be, for good or bad.
21. I've come to realize that tonight...I'm still sleeping poorly (clearly, since I'm blogging well past midnight and have been up since 7am).
22. I've come to realize that tomorrow...is another opportunity to be used by God to further his kingdom- NOT mine.
23. I've come to realize that I really want to…grow up and be a mommy.
24. I've come to realize that life...is a journey and there is joy all along the way!
25. I've come to realize that my friends…aren't giving up or going away.
26. I've come to realize this year... has been crazy but I'll look back on it in the future and be amazed at the things God brought me through.

I'm not tagging people 'cause it's doubtful many people read this anymore.

Bowing Out

I learned an important lesson just fifteen minutes ago: how to bow out. I have been an RA (resident advisor) for over a year, and have learned to utilize my resources and pass the ball, when things are too much for me to handle alone. They drill into our heads the idea that we are never alone, that there are always others to go to.

BUT, I quit my job this past Friday, for a number of reasons. So tonight when someone came to me with a monumental problem, you'd think protocol and resources would be jumping out at me, that what had been drilled into my head at every training opportunity would come naturally tonight. Well, friends, it didn't.

I stumbled through advice. I hestitated to make a decision. I had more questions than answers. I felt more alone in dealing with this situation than I have in a while. And after calling a couple people, I knew what I had to do: bow out. This wasn't a good time for me to handle this and there were plenty of other people around to help, so what was I doing? I know that at this point in my life, the stress and anxiety of everything that's going on is almost more than I can bear on a daily basis, and here I was trying to take on someone else's needs too.

So, after being given "permission" (or orders, whatever) to pass the buck to someone else, I did. And I learned an important lesson: that bowing out isn't selfish, sometimes it's selfless, because you know your limits well enough to know that you could end up doing more harm than good; and it means giving others an opportunity to come around this person and love and support them.