Love

I've been told that being in a relationship with someone will teach you to love more selflessly.

It's also taught me how to let myself be loved.

And how to love myself.

Apple juice??

Last night I was babysitting for a family that I babysit for pretty regularly. There are three children: a girl, age 10; a boy age 8; and another boy age 2. We were hanging out in the living room, when the 8 year old noticed flashing blue lights outside the window. Well, of course, what ever game we were playing instantly became less interesting than the two police cars outside.

Apparently, the officers had pulled a car over, most likely for a speeding or seat-belt infraction. But the older children wondered aloud why there needed to be two police cars on the scene. The ten year old suggested that maybe the person in the car had been drinking.

The two year old, piped up immediately with: "Yeah! Yeah! Him drinking apple juice."

A World of Newness

I feel like 2009 is going to be a year of "newness" for me.

I am learning what it looks like to have and sort of lose your best friend to marriage, and at the same time I am learning what it looks like to nurture that friendship all the more because it shouldn't fizzle out because she's getting married.

I am learning what it looks like to be in a relationship, the ups and downs, the apologies, the laughter, the adventure, and the beauty of it all.

I am learning what it means to be one of the oldest people in the IV Chapter, and how that affects my position, both as a leader and as a follower.

I am learning what it means to find happiness independently of others-- don't get me wrong, having friends and others in my life greatly contribute but I can be independently happy.

It's a new season, and this one is filled with lots of transition, growth, revelation and adventure. And I'm embracing it day by day.

Worth seeing

Drew loves movies. Seriously. And since he works almost 80 hours per week, the only consistent time we have together is Saturday from around 11am until 4pm, when he heads off to work again. That gives us enough time to wander around Barnes and Noble and then go see a movie.

The last two movies we've seen together were Taken and He's Just Not That Into You. I liked both of them, although they are very different movies. Taken is more action-oriented with a lot of violence and killing, but I have to say I teared up at the end. Drew loved the movie, and as we were walking out and discussing our takes on it, he said, "One thing, though." "What's that?" I asked. "No daughters." First of all, we're not nearly there in our relationship, but it cracked me up. I reminded him that biologically the man's genes decide the gender of the child, and then my curiosity got the best of me. "Why not?" I asked; I've always wanted a daughter (not that I don't want boys). "Because, I'd be too afraid to let them do anything for fear something would happen to them. I'm afraid I'd smother them being over-protective." Cute.

We went to see He's Just Not That Into You on Valentine's Day, although I protested seeing this movie as a couple at first. In the end though, this movie was really well-made. There are seven main characters and the ending isn't as predictable as you might think. It is a little over two hours, but it's the perfect movie to see if you're going to a movie by yourself, if you're going in a co-ed or all-girls' group (or even all guys), or to go see with your significant other. There were all different types of people there on Valentine's Day: single guys in groups and by themselves, single girls in groups and by themselves, couples of all ages, etc. And with a line-up of Jennifer Anniston, Scarlet Johansen and Ben Affleck, how can you go wrong??

Seeing Myself

Greg talked today at church about how much shame he recently realized he carries and how that shame and brokenness and ineptitude sometimes completely cripples him, that it's difficult for him to live in the reality that Christ loves him regardless.

C.S. Lewis wrote this: "[God] works on us in all sorts of ways. But above all, He works on us through each other. Men are mirrors, or "carriers" of Christ to other men."

The longer I am in "intimate" relationships with others, the more and more I am finding that I am a lot like Greg. There are things about myself that I've been able to hide from myself and certainly from others, that I carry a lot of guilt and shame and hurt from things that I should be free from. But it's also in that relationship that I am beginning to experience healing-- that I am finding that if a finite human can love me inspite of who I am and what I've been through and done, then how much more could a compassionate, good, loving God love me?

Our life is full of brokenness - broken relationships, broken promises, broken expectations. How can we live with that brokenness without becoming bitter and resentful except by returning again and again to God's faithful presence in our lives.

Henri Nouwen

So maybe, for me at least, the fallacy lies not in believing that I can't be loved for who I am, but believing that God (and others) couldn't possibly love me for who I am, in all my messiness. Maybe the error here is that deep down I question whether God is loving and good.

The smallest reflection of God, I'm discovering, can be found, like C.S. Lewis wrote, in others. That they demonstrate finite pieces of an infinite God.

I Don't Understand

I've been at UNCG for almost three years now and yet some things don't change. Whenever there is a traveling preacher who gets on his imaginary or literal soap box to yell at students, my heart breaks. I creep as close as I can bear to the crowd and listen in horror as someone who purports to be a Christian yells insults, mis-construed and out-of-context Bible verses at students. Some students pass by; some intentionally provoke the man; some generally want to engage him because they think they can prove him wrong.

I watch as girls are called sluts and whores because they wear shorts. I watch as young men are told they are going to hell because they sin. I watch as students are told that they have to be PERFECT to get to Heaven. I could go in to the theology of why I believe all of those statements are wrong or out-of-context, but it's not necessary. Not for this post.

The point is that I walk away every single time with tears stinging my eyes, knowing that people are being hurt by a religion whose Savior taught that the greatest commandments were to LOVE God and LOVE others, a religion that teaches that we are not qualified to judge, that even in our messiness, our sin and our brokenness, the God of the universe loves us. I'm angry and sad and frustrated and exhausted all at once.

Pause!

Please, can we just pause for a minute to talk about Grey's Anatomy!? Seriously. If you haven't watched last week's episode, go do that now, and then you can come back and read this blog (and agree with everything I say).


Okay, anyone who watches this show probably wants Derek and Meredith to be together. I mean, maybe they're not PERFECT for each other, but clearly the writers desperately want us to desperately want Dr. Shepherd and Dr. Grey to be together. After last season's stunning finale of Meredith creating a floor plan out of candles on Derek's land, it was clear they were meant to be, and looked like Meredith might be able to get past her emotional basket-caseness long enough to have something good.

So then we find out that Derek's mom gave him an engagement ring so he could propose to Meredith. And after a long saga last week about him trying to find the perfect way to do it, trying to keep it a secret from her, and trying to find out if she was ready, he finally got ready to propose.

And then... he's got the ENTIRETY of their bedroom covered in rose petals (yes, ladies the red ones) and candles and he and McSteamy are finishing it all up. And Derek goes, "She's gonna hate this. It's a cliche." And McSteamy, being the well-meaning, albeit skank of a best friend that he is, responds that cliches are cliches because they worked. So McSteamy says, "Congratulations," or something and leaves.

And we're all on the edge of our seats thinking Meredith is going to come home to Derek on one knee, and say YES. I mean, how could she not????

Then Derek's cell phone rings (and again, we're all thinking it's Meredith about to put a small kink in his plans, but hoping beyond hope that it will still work out). BUT it's not Meredith at all. Derek says into the receiver, "Addison, what's wrong?" (For non-Grey's followers, Addison is his ex-wife... and unless you watch Private Practice making you a cough*traitor*cough, you're supposed to not like her, minus her minimal redeeming qualities).

So the show ends with Meredith coming home to an EMPTY room; she flops down on the bed and her voice-over comes on, like it always does at the beginning and end of the show. And she is hugging the pillow beneath her chest and her facial expressions indicate she found something and...we're all hoping beyond hope that it's a ring and Derek is hiding the closet or something... BUT NO. Meredith pulls out a single rose petal, looks confused, and then the credits roll.

All I have to say is: Seriously? It better not be this difficult in real life.




AND THEN, come to find out today that the rumor is that Katherine Heigl and T.R. Knight are supposedly going to leave the show at the end of this season... which, for any Grey's fans out there, means the show may not go on.


Sigh.

Relationships

There have been things that have surprised me as Drew and I date. But quite possibly the biggest thing is that people are unwilling to be supportive. And what surprises me more is that not only are they unwilling to be supportive (and happy for me), but they won't tell me why they're not.

Here's the thing. Everyone has a very clear concept of what a relationship should look like... and it's funny to me that 9 times out of 10, their concept of how the relationship should start, look, progress, etc. looks far too similar to their own. This is ridiculous.

I am no expert. But neither are the people who can't just get over it and be supportive. There is no one right way to have a relationship-- there are "wrong" ways, but no one right way. So it seems ridiculous to me that people can't just be there for me.

There are three things I want:
1. Trust my judgment. I'm an adult and I'm making good decisions and the right decisions for ME.
2. If you have a problem with Drew or our relationship, feel free to sit down with me and have an honest conversation. But don't just not talk about him when we're hanging out or make snide comments.
3. Try your darndest to be happy for me, to look at me, know that I'm happy and content right now and be excited that I have this.

Okay, I'm done.