I realized yesterday that I have a serious need to feel like I cannot be easily replaced. And maybe this is selfish, worldly, un-Christian, and egotistical of me. But the need is very real.
I recently quit my job as an RA, which also means that I no longer sit on about five Departmental committees. It also means that I am not on the Exec Board of the RA Association. Obviously, the Department is trying to fill a gap because they are missing a staff member, but for some reason it hurts when I feel like they are just flippantly asking whoever comes to mind first if they'd like my job. I'd like to think that I was better at my job than the typical joe-schmoe.
My guess is that my need to feel irreplaceable is deeply rooted in my insecurity about my worth and whether or not I am good enough. It's an interesting revelation that at 20 I question monumental things like this. Shouldn't I be certain by now that I am worth something? That I am valued? Why is such an elementary idea so difficult for me to grasp?
And unfortunately, I don't just feel like this in my job. I feel like this in many areas of my life and it bothers me that I question in relationships if people could replace me with someone they liked better. Shouldn't I trust my friends and family and community more than that? Shouldn't I understand their love isn't going to just vanish?
Yeah, I don't know.
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4 comments:
There are many much older people who wonder the same thing and don't even know that they are wondering it. It is so automatic, so much a part of them that they never notice it. The fact that you see it is huge. You can't kill something you can't see (don't think too hard about that, just take it as is, K?).
Dear L.--
You are precious and irreplaceable in my life. I want and need your friendship for as long as I can have it.
Also this makes me think of a song...
You must not know 'bout me, you must not no 'bout me. I can have another you by tomorrow.
GET IT, BEYONCE.
But these lyrics do not apply to you.
Lindsay, I know you wrote this awhile ago but reading it made me feel better to know that someone else was feeling the same kind of things as I was.
Hope you're doing well.
~Cati
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