"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." - C.S.Lewis
Greg talked today about LOVE. This wasn't a big surprise, since the sermon series right now is on 1 Corinthians 13. It was a really good sermon. He talked a lot about unconditional love, and how it's odd that we desire, crave, long for, and need it since we've never experienced it here on earth. Why, then, do we want so badly to find it? Because, he said, God hard-wired our DNA to crave unconditional love. We're like beached whales, he explained, because we were made to be surrounded constantly with unconditional love, like whales are made to swim in water. But, when whales are beached, and as we often find ourselves here on earth, we continue to make the same motions we do when we're in "water," but it just looks awkward and it ends up leading to our demise instead. That's the way I feel a lot, like there is something I will never fully attain here on earth and I'm just waiting for the day that it is fully realized, like Paul talks about.
Greg talked about how we often look for other things-- be they relationships, work, success, money, looks, etc-- to fill the void we feel because we long for unconditional love. He said it's like being in an airplane and seeing the pretty, fluffy clouds and jumping out of the airplane to see if the clouds are heavenly trampolines. They're not. They're just water vapor and we'll fall right through. That's the way it is when we try to fulfill the needs we have with earthly things, with "false infinites." They're unsatisfying, in the end. But there is hope in the promise of Heaven, and the goodness of God.
I also really liked (and this is a sidenote), Greg's explanation for the verse that says, "And these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." I've always wondered what about love made it greater than the other two, and Greg explained that faith and hope are things that we only need for our temporary time here on earth. We won't need faith when we're face to face with Jesus and we won't need hope because all of the perfection of God and the beauty of eternity will be laid out before us. But love, we will be drowning in love. A perfect love. Jonathan Edwards, Great Awakening author of "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God," wrote that "Heaven is a world of love." Simply put. Wow.
"All the suffering in the world is as one bad night in a hotel from the perspective of heaven."
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
All I Can Say
Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while
And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet
-David Crowder Band, "All I Can Say"
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while
And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet
-David Crowder Band, "All I Can Say"
Thursday, April 24, 2008
If
Laura Jo's dad sent me a book of 101 famous poems, mostly because there was one poem that I absolutely loved in the book. I'm going to share it with you, because right now I'm feeling empty and without anything to say.
If
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies
Or being hated, don't give way to hating
And yet don't look too good, nor talk to wise
If you can dream-- and not make dreams your master
If you can think-- and not make thoughts your aim
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on."
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue
Or walk with kings-- nor lose the common touch
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you
If all men count with you, but none too much
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it
And-- what is more-- you'll be a man, my son.
-Rudyard Kipling
If
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies
Or being hated, don't give way to hating
And yet don't look too good, nor talk to wise
If you can dream-- and not make dreams your master
If you can think-- and not make thoughts your aim
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on."
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue
Or walk with kings-- nor lose the common touch
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you
If all men count with you, but none too much
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it
And-- what is more-- you'll be a man, my son.
-Rudyard Kipling
Friday, April 18, 2008
Coffee
I wasn't going to write about this, but it's weighing too much on my heart not to. I'm struggling being in Intervarsity right now. I feel like I have to be this upstanding, amazing Christian in order to be considered "okay." I don't know exactly how to explain this.
About a month ago, I went to Greene Street, a club. I didn't drink and I don't plan to before I am twenty-one. I didn't do anything that I ought to feel guilty about, but people in IV have let me know how "displeased" they are that I was even there in the first place... I get that I'm not suppoesd to be "of this world," but it's not the same thing.
We talked in our small group about coffee (I promise this relates) the other day, about how if someone's never tried coffee before and you invite them to try it, you'll either give them an iced coffee or some hot rich blend. You don't give them lukewarm, room temperature coffee. Right? Right. We all know that iced coffee is good. Hot coffee is good, but the stuff in the middle is terrible, and we don't wnat someone to be completely turned off to coffee just because of one bad experience, so we want their first experience to be good. It's the same way with Christianity, we discussed. We need to be passionate about what we believe, because the completely worldly side looks pretty good too. It's the people in the middle, who call themselves Christians but hurt others so deeply that turn people off to it. The hypocrites, the liars, etc who say they are Christians make it difficult for people to give Christianity a second thought.
But, I argued, because the whole issue with IV is still fresh in my mind, we can't be scalding hot. We'll just burn people that way. We have to admit that we are weak, sinful and self-consumed. We have to admit we are broken, and in need of a savior. I think that's my frustration. That people around me talk to me, and probably to people not in IV, like they have it together, and don't commit "big sins."
Let me give one more example, and then I can be done. My friend (non-Christian) has been asking me questions about God and earnestly seeking answers. Then she made a bad decision with some serious consequences. And you know what? In both instances she talked to me. And I started thinking while she was talking to me about the choice she made... if I had made the same type of mistake with the same types of reprocussions, who would I turn to? And I wasn't sure if it would be a Christian or not... and that made me deeply sad.
Yes, we need to be passionate about God and our faith and stand firm in what we believe. BUT we cannot make our lives a long list of rules and regulations because we think that makes us a good person--- because we're all hypocrites if we believe that... the ones who think they're healthy don't ever go see the doctor. I want to be hot coffee, but not hot enough to burn the people around me.
About a month ago, I went to Greene Street, a club. I didn't drink and I don't plan to before I am twenty-one. I didn't do anything that I ought to feel guilty about, but people in IV have let me know how "displeased" they are that I was even there in the first place... I get that I'm not suppoesd to be "of this world," but it's not the same thing.
We talked in our small group about coffee (I promise this relates) the other day, about how if someone's never tried coffee before and you invite them to try it, you'll either give them an iced coffee or some hot rich blend. You don't give them lukewarm, room temperature coffee. Right? Right. We all know that iced coffee is good. Hot coffee is good, but the stuff in the middle is terrible, and we don't wnat someone to be completely turned off to coffee just because of one bad experience, so we want their first experience to be good. It's the same way with Christianity, we discussed. We need to be passionate about what we believe, because the completely worldly side looks pretty good too. It's the people in the middle, who call themselves Christians but hurt others so deeply that turn people off to it. The hypocrites, the liars, etc who say they are Christians make it difficult for people to give Christianity a second thought.
But, I argued, because the whole issue with IV is still fresh in my mind, we can't be scalding hot. We'll just burn people that way. We have to admit that we are weak, sinful and self-consumed. We have to admit we are broken, and in need of a savior. I think that's my frustration. That people around me talk to me, and probably to people not in IV, like they have it together, and don't commit "big sins."
Let me give one more example, and then I can be done. My friend (non-Christian) has been asking me questions about God and earnestly seeking answers. Then she made a bad decision with some serious consequences. And you know what? In both instances she talked to me. And I started thinking while she was talking to me about the choice she made... if I had made the same type of mistake with the same types of reprocussions, who would I turn to? And I wasn't sure if it would be a Christian or not... and that made me deeply sad.
Yes, we need to be passionate about God and our faith and stand firm in what we believe. BUT we cannot make our lives a long list of rules and regulations because we think that makes us a good person--- because we're all hypocrites if we believe that... the ones who think they're healthy don't ever go see the doctor. I want to be hot coffee, but not hot enough to burn the people around me.
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Passion...
Do the one thing you think you cannot do. Fail at it. Try again. Do better the second time. The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the high wire. This is your moment. Own it.
The one thing I have felt a longing for, this year especially, is to be so deeply passionate about something. I want a purpose, a drive, a calling, a sense of why I am alive. I want to be thoroughly excited about something... I feel like for a lot of people it's whatever lifestyle they choose. A lot of people are passionate about their jobs, their families, their mission field, etc... Some days I think I'm passionate about social work, about "working myself out of a job," but other days, I don't know exactly why I am getting a degree in social work.
My small group had a discussion last week at the end of our time about the three things we were passionate about. I didn't have three. In fact, I didn't have one at first...
Laura Jo says my passion is justice. That I have this sense of wanting people to be loved and well-cared for. That I want to see "on earth as it is in heaven" more of a reality... I don't know though. Sometimes I mix up justice and idealism, I confuse reality with false hope. I'm frustrated because I want my heart to be on fire for something in the Kingdom... I don't want to just sail through these days...
The one thing I have felt a longing for, this year especially, is to be so deeply passionate about something. I want a purpose, a drive, a calling, a sense of why I am alive. I want to be thoroughly excited about something... I feel like for a lot of people it's whatever lifestyle they choose. A lot of people are passionate about their jobs, their families, their mission field, etc... Some days I think I'm passionate about social work, about "working myself out of a job," but other days, I don't know exactly why I am getting a degree in social work.
My small group had a discussion last week at the end of our time about the three things we were passionate about. I didn't have three. In fact, I didn't have one at first...
Laura Jo says my passion is justice. That I have this sense of wanting people to be loved and well-cared for. That I want to see "on earth as it is in heaven" more of a reality... I don't know though. Sometimes I mix up justice and idealism, I confuse reality with false hope. I'm frustrated because I want my heart to be on fire for something in the Kingdom... I don't want to just sail through these days...
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Upheaval and unease
I feel like my life is in upheaval right now. Every thing seems to be changing at a rate I cannot keep up with, heading in an unexpected, and sometimes terribly wrong, direction in an out-of-control-feeling way... I told Laura Jo this and she said, "But really, Linds, it isn't." I didn't so much like that answer... but I realized that she wasn't trying to invalidate my feelings, as I initially thought, so much as trying to comfort me and remind me of the reality of the situation(s).
"The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot.
The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
indeed I have a beautiful inheritance.
I bless the Lord who gives me counsel;
in the night also my heart instructs me.
I have set the Lord always before me;
because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;
my flesh also dwells secure.
For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,
or let your holy one see corruption.
You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
At your right hand are pleasures forevermore."
-Psalm 16:5-11
I like the phrases "secure," "not be shaken," "not abandon," "beautiful inheritance." THIS is the reality, and even though my feelings are valid, God's not off his throne, He hasn't and won't abandon me, and His plan is divine and perfect... so upheaval can only be at most, temporary and earthly. That may not be any great revelation for you, O Reader, but it was for me.
"The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot.
The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
indeed I have a beautiful inheritance.
I bless the Lord who gives me counsel;
in the night also my heart instructs me.
I have set the Lord always before me;
because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;
my flesh also dwells secure.
For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,
or let your holy one see corruption.
You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
At your right hand are pleasures forevermore."
-Psalm 16:5-11
I like the phrases "secure," "not be shaken," "not abandon," "beautiful inheritance." THIS is the reality, and even though my feelings are valid, God's not off his throne, He hasn't and won't abandon me, and His plan is divine and perfect... so upheaval can only be at most, temporary and earthly. That may not be any great revelation for you, O Reader, but it was for me.
Monday, March 31, 2008
All the Heavens
As Your children gather in peace
All the angels sing in Heaven
In Your temple all that I seek
Is to glimpse Your holy presence
All the heavens could not hold You, Lord
How much less to dwell in me?
I can only make my one desire
Holding on to Thee
All the angels exalt You on high
What a kingdom to depart!
But You left Your throne in the sky
Just to live inside my heart
All the heavens could not hold You, Lord
How much less to dwell in me?
I can only make my one desire
Holding on to Thee
I will always make my one desire
Holding on to Thee
"All the Heavens" by Third Day
All the angels sing in Heaven
In Your temple all that I seek
Is to glimpse Your holy presence
All the heavens could not hold You, Lord
How much less to dwell in me?
I can only make my one desire
Holding on to Thee
All the angels exalt You on high
What a kingdom to depart!
But You left Your throne in the sky
Just to live inside my heart
All the heavens could not hold You, Lord
How much less to dwell in me?
I can only make my one desire
Holding on to Thee
I will always make my one desire
Holding on to Thee
"All the Heavens" by Third Day
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Sweet Poison of the False Infinite
"In either case-- whether we try to secure means for repeating the pleasure at will or turn from what is given to something else which is desired-- Lewis thinks that we will eventually lose the capacity for delighting in what is received. For to treat a created thing as something more than that is to destroy its true character. To seek in any created thing a complete fulfillment of the longing which moves us to make of it an object of infinite desire and, because it is only a created thing, a false infinite. It may still be sweet, at least for a time, because it is intended by its Giver to be a source of delight. But in the end it will be poison for the person who gives his heart to it. Hence the constant temptation: the lure of the sweet poison of the false infinite. [There is a] contrast between living by faith and seeking a rigid kind of security. This sort of trust involves a willingness to receive what is given (even if it was not originally desired) as well as a willingness to let it go again without grasping after repitition of the pleasure."
-The Taste for the Other: The Social and Ethical Thought of C.S. Lewis, by Gilbert Meilaender
-The Taste for the Other: The Social and Ethical Thought of C.S. Lewis, by Gilbert Meilaender
Monday, March 24, 2008
It's March, People...
Today, I was driving in my car and the sky was really, really, really, really dark grey. The word ominous came to mind. I was so sure that the bottom of the sky would fall out with torrential rains, and lots of thunder and lightning-- my favorite kind of storm-- but you know what? It didn't. It snowed instead.
I just thought that was funny.
I just thought that was funny.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Weirdness unveiled...
I've been tagged. (I kinda think this game is slightly ridiculous, but I guess I will succumb to the pressure and do it anyways...) I have to put 7 weird things about me. Here goes...
1) I have a HUGE (and I mean gigantic!) obsession with going to men's section department stores and basking in the beauty of...(drum roll please)... folded polo shirts stacked (neatly, of course) according to color. It makes me deeply satisfied for some weird reason. If they are slightly out-of-whack, I WILL fix them. In fact, Laura Jo has become accustomed to this obsession and subsequent need to rearrange them that she stops at the shelves and waits patiently for me to do what must be done.
2) I have a teddy bear named Brownie that I've had since I was born. I also have a mint-condition bear EXACTLY like him (minus 20 years of love and general wear-and-tear) that we found randomly at the PTA thrift store for $1. His name is Brownie 2 (for lack of a better name).
3) I don't like roller coasters. I never have. It's not the going down part, it's the going up part... and that stupid psychology term: availability heuristic, where people base their prediction of the frequency of an event or the proportion within a population based on how easily an example can be brought to mind. The only time I see a roller coaster on the news is when it's either crashed, gotten stuck or injured someone. No good.
4) I eat my pizza backwards. First, I eat the crust, then I turn it back around and eat from the tip to the larger end.
5) I am hopelessly afraid of three things: fire, car wrecks and falling down stairs.
6) I don't like movies where the animals are sad or hurt. Old Yeller is out, always, so is Benji, Bambi, Fox and the Hound, etc. I don't even like Homeward Bound just because Sassy falls down the waterfall, Chance goes to the pound, and Shadow falls in the hole. I don't even like the part in Aladdin when Jasmine scales the wall to escape the smothered life she lives in the palace and leaves Raja the tiger behind. Raja is so sad.
7) I don't like people to touch my neck. It's a weird quirk, but I really have issues with people touching my neck. Even if they are just gesturing like they're going to, I might freak out. Hug me. Fine. But don't touch my neck.
I tag: Emily J and KVP.
1) I have a HUGE (and I mean gigantic!) obsession with going to men's section department stores and basking in the beauty of...(drum roll please)... folded polo shirts stacked (neatly, of course) according to color. It makes me deeply satisfied for some weird reason. If they are slightly out-of-whack, I WILL fix them. In fact, Laura Jo has become accustomed to this obsession and subsequent need to rearrange them that she stops at the shelves and waits patiently for me to do what must be done.
2) I have a teddy bear named Brownie that I've had since I was born. I also have a mint-condition bear EXACTLY like him (minus 20 years of love and general wear-and-tear) that we found randomly at the PTA thrift store for $1. His name is Brownie 2 (for lack of a better name).
3) I don't like roller coasters. I never have. It's not the going down part, it's the going up part... and that stupid psychology term: availability heuristic, where people base their prediction of the frequency of an event or the proportion within a population based on how easily an example can be brought to mind. The only time I see a roller coaster on the news is when it's either crashed, gotten stuck or injured someone. No good.
4) I eat my pizza backwards. First, I eat the crust, then I turn it back around and eat from the tip to the larger end.
5) I am hopelessly afraid of three things: fire, car wrecks and falling down stairs.
6) I don't like movies where the animals are sad or hurt. Old Yeller is out, always, so is Benji, Bambi, Fox and the Hound, etc. I don't even like Homeward Bound just because Sassy falls down the waterfall, Chance goes to the pound, and Shadow falls in the hole. I don't even like the part in Aladdin when Jasmine scales the wall to escape the smothered life she lives in the palace and leaves Raja the tiger behind. Raja is so sad.
7) I don't like people to touch my neck. It's a weird quirk, but I really have issues with people touching my neck. Even if they are just gesturing like they're going to, I might freak out. Hug me. Fine. But don't touch my neck.
I tag: Emily J and KVP.
Friday, March 21, 2008
A Divided Heart
"Their heart is divided, now they shall be found faulty." -Hosea 10:2
Lately, I just feel like my heart is divided, like I am trying to balance two different things. I don't know what is wrong with me.
Sorry I don't have anything more interesting to write about tonight.
Lately, I just feel like my heart is divided, like I am trying to balance two different things. I don't know what is wrong with me.
Sorry I don't have anything more interesting to write about tonight.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Prayer
The great people of this earth today are the people who pray. I do not mean those who talk about prayer, nor those who can explain about prayer. I mean those people who take time out and pray. They have not time; time must be taken from something else. This something else is important, very important and pressing, but still less important and less pressing than prayer. -S.D. Gordon
Unexpectedly, I've seen God start to show me more about prayer. It was something that I've been consciously seeking, but it was something that I'm amazed by and excited about. There are a couple main ways that have really encouraged me. The first is leadership meetings. The way we are able to be vulnerable and pray for each other is really exciting, as our team continues to bond and grow together. I love it.
Today, after the second service of church (though I'm still not sure why I stayed all the way through since I stayed for first service and could have easily left after the announcements portion of second service), I had this urge to go talk to Greg. I didn't know what I was going to say but I went up, he hugged me and then asked how I was. All of the sudden there were words coming out of my mouth, as I heard myself say: "Could you pray with me before we leave today?" I don't do that. I'm not bold and I don't request random things of people that I'm not super-close to, or that I am unsure of how they will respond. And he was really excited about it. He asked if it would be okay if he let another woman, someone I don't know, pray with us. I didn't know what to say. But apparently there was a physiological response because Greg said, "From the way your body just tensed up, I'm guessing you're not comfortable with that yet. That's fine, we'll pray just the two of us." So after everyone left, we sat down and talked and prayed and talked and prayed. He has asked this other lady to sit quietly in the back of the sanctuary and pray for us while we prayed. She heard a lot of what I said and what Greg said and afterward, came up and talked with me, and said that she just wanted me to know that whatever she heard she took straight to the Lord. I was so comforted that that was her response and that this woman who didn't even know me would pray for me.
Then tonight, after leadership meeting, Nicole and I walked back to Phillips-Hawkins from across campus, and we took the long way. Why? Because we were doing a prayer walk. We prayed for many different things and it was such an encouragement to walk with her and pray for Intervarsity, for leadership team, for our campus, for our nation, our world and individuals by name.
And earlier this week I had a phone-date with Karen and we talked for over an hour, and at the end of it, I was driving somewhere, and she asked over the phone if she could pray for me. I said that she could and then I put her on speaker phone, laid the phone down and just drove while she prayed. It was a really different form of prayer, but it was just another way of God reminding me that even people I don't see on a regular basis are praying for me and the power of prayer stretches beyond what we can imagine.
"Pray continually and give thanks in all circumstances..."
Unexpectedly, I've seen God start to show me more about prayer. It was something that I've been consciously seeking, but it was something that I'm amazed by and excited about. There are a couple main ways that have really encouraged me. The first is leadership meetings. The way we are able to be vulnerable and pray for each other is really exciting, as our team continues to bond and grow together. I love it.
Today, after the second service of church (though I'm still not sure why I stayed all the way through since I stayed for first service and could have easily left after the announcements portion of second service), I had this urge to go talk to Greg. I didn't know what I was going to say but I went up, he hugged me and then asked how I was. All of the sudden there were words coming out of my mouth, as I heard myself say: "Could you pray with me before we leave today?" I don't do that. I'm not bold and I don't request random things of people that I'm not super-close to, or that I am unsure of how they will respond. And he was really excited about it. He asked if it would be okay if he let another woman, someone I don't know, pray with us. I didn't know what to say. But apparently there was a physiological response because Greg said, "From the way your body just tensed up, I'm guessing you're not comfortable with that yet. That's fine, we'll pray just the two of us." So after everyone left, we sat down and talked and prayed and talked and prayed. He has asked this other lady to sit quietly in the back of the sanctuary and pray for us while we prayed. She heard a lot of what I said and what Greg said and afterward, came up and talked with me, and said that she just wanted me to know that whatever she heard she took straight to the Lord. I was so comforted that that was her response and that this woman who didn't even know me would pray for me.
Then tonight, after leadership meeting, Nicole and I walked back to Phillips-Hawkins from across campus, and we took the long way. Why? Because we were doing a prayer walk. We prayed for many different things and it was such an encouragement to walk with her and pray for Intervarsity, for leadership team, for our campus, for our nation, our world and individuals by name.
And earlier this week I had a phone-date with Karen and we talked for over an hour, and at the end of it, I was driving somewhere, and she asked over the phone if she could pray for me. I said that she could and then I put her on speaker phone, laid the phone down and just drove while she prayed. It was a really different form of prayer, but it was just another way of God reminding me that even people I don't see on a regular basis are praying for me and the power of prayer stretches beyond what we can imagine.
"Pray continually and give thanks in all circumstances..."
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Running On Empty
Sammie Jo suggested I read a book called Running on Empty: Contemplative Spirituality for Overachievers. I love it. And it doesn't matter if you label yourself an overachiever or not, if you find yourself always busy, always running on the hamster wheel, always trying to do enough, be enough, become enough, etc... then this book is for you. It is wonderful.
"The crazy truth is that as much as we complain about it, we actually want to be seduced by busyness. But why do we love the killer? In part, it's because when we're busy, we don't have to think about important matters we prefer to avoid. Busyness enables us to quiet the voice of the deeper issues that trouble and haunt us. Plus busyness makes us feel important."
We love being in demand. I realize when I look at my daytimer, which is the one thing that ensures I stay organized and on top of my game, I frequently am concerned with the volume of activity that fills my days. My daytimer has three different types of calendars: months at a glance, where each day is listed with a line next to it, so you can write major events, a month spread where there are blocks you can add a few major things to, and then a day-by-day that breaks my days down into 15 minute increments. My friends have started realizing that if they want my time, they have to get scheduled in. That makes me really sad. It makes me sad that, as was the case last night, I couldn't fall asleep until after 4am, not because I had slept in or taken a nap or had an easy day... quite the contrary. I had had meetings, classes, or activities from 9am until 9pm, and then we had a massive "crisis" in the building with a fire alarm, smoke, and a forced relocation of students for a half hour to another building. I had run myself ragged sure, but my mind still had a hundred things to mull over before I could fall asleep.
"For what will it profit them if they gain the whole world but forfeit their life?" -Matt. 16:26
I saw this All State commercial the other day, where they had people eating dinner or something in the middle of a highway. And the voice over said "Let's start treating people like they are in our homes, not in our way." It was talking about driving, but I realize that that is, sadly, my mindset a lot: that I have a hundred things to get done, and unless you're scheduled into my daytimer, I've got other things on my mind. My prayer recently has been that I would slow down and be blessed by the things that I see as in my way, that I would believe that God's love for and acceptance of me are not things I can earn, and that my worth and value are found in Him and not in what I can accomplish by adhering to a strict schedule and being productive.
"If I had set out to destroy my identity as a beloved child of God, I couldn't have done better than living in America at the start of the twenty-first century. The greatest threats I've encountered are not the arguments of skeptics or the lure of drink, drugs, or sex. The greatest threats are the constant busyness adn frantic hurry that demand my allegiance."
"The crazy truth is that as much as we complain about it, we actually want to be seduced by busyness. But why do we love the killer? In part, it's because when we're busy, we don't have to think about important matters we prefer to avoid. Busyness enables us to quiet the voice of the deeper issues that trouble and haunt us. Plus busyness makes us feel important."
We love being in demand. I realize when I look at my daytimer, which is the one thing that ensures I stay organized and on top of my game, I frequently am concerned with the volume of activity that fills my days. My daytimer has three different types of calendars: months at a glance, where each day is listed with a line next to it, so you can write major events, a month spread where there are blocks you can add a few major things to, and then a day-by-day that breaks my days down into 15 minute increments. My friends have started realizing that if they want my time, they have to get scheduled in. That makes me really sad. It makes me sad that, as was the case last night, I couldn't fall asleep until after 4am, not because I had slept in or taken a nap or had an easy day... quite the contrary. I had had meetings, classes, or activities from 9am until 9pm, and then we had a massive "crisis" in the building with a fire alarm, smoke, and a forced relocation of students for a half hour to another building. I had run myself ragged sure, but my mind still had a hundred things to mull over before I could fall asleep.
"For what will it profit them if they gain the whole world but forfeit their life?" -Matt. 16:26
I saw this All State commercial the other day, where they had people eating dinner or something in the middle of a highway. And the voice over said "Let's start treating people like they are in our homes, not in our way." It was talking about driving, but I realize that that is, sadly, my mindset a lot: that I have a hundred things to get done, and unless you're scheduled into my daytimer, I've got other things on my mind. My prayer recently has been that I would slow down and be blessed by the things that I see as in my way, that I would believe that God's love for and acceptance of me are not things I can earn, and that my worth and value are found in Him and not in what I can accomplish by adhering to a strict schedule and being productive.
"If I had set out to destroy my identity as a beloved child of God, I couldn't have done better than living in America at the start of the twenty-first century. The greatest threats I've encountered are not the arguments of skeptics or the lure of drink, drugs, or sex. The greatest threats are the constant busyness adn frantic hurry that demand my allegiance."
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Messiness
I gave a small part of my testimony Thursday at InterVarsity. We have this thing each week at our chapter meeting called "Word From The Heard." Basically, one person in our group gets up and talks about something that God's been teaching them or shares something with the rest of the chapter. I've never done it before, but recently, I've really felt God lay it on my heart to speak.
Let me back up. I'm often saying that I wish people in InterVarsity were more "real" with each other; I have felt like we're really safe, as a whole, especially recently, and I desired for that to change.
So, what God's been teaching me recently is how to love who He created me to be, in all my messiness, struggles, emotions, etc. That's hard to learn, in fact He's clearly been trying to teach me this for a while. I wrote a poem in the last year called "Shattered but Satisfied" about the struggle to embrace your brokenness and grow and learn to love who you are, rather than putting on a facade and pretending to be someone you're not. I'm very guilty of pretending to have it together because I think everyone else has it together, so I need to too.
Anyway, I got up at IV and said that God had been teaching me that messiness is beautiful, that we are broken and that although we need His healing, His grace, His love, we also need to realize that our goal ought not to be to walk around pretending we've got it all figured out, but rather our goal ought to be to get comfortable enough with ourselves that we can wade into each other's messiness. That's the beauty of God's love flowing through us: we get to love others and jump down into the hole that they've fallen into-- not because we have the answers, but because we've been down there before. As Greg puts it, "I'm just a beggar showing another beggar where to find the food."
So, I got real. I shared very blatantly some of the messiness I've experienced and am still dealing with.
Would it set me free,
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be?
Would your arms be open?
Or would you walk away?
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay?
It was a really big leap, especially for me. I wanted people to see that I'm not the person I often appear to be-- I have some deep hurt in my life and some serious struggles. But that's beautiful. And the fact that there are people in my life already who are wading into that with me is a testiment to God''s love in them and the power of Christian community. But it was a big risk. It wasn't safe, so to speak.
But regardless, I felt freer than ever and I have continued to feel free-- free to not have it together, to not be super-human all the time.
Let me back up. I'm often saying that I wish people in InterVarsity were more "real" with each other; I have felt like we're really safe, as a whole, especially recently, and I desired for that to change.
So, what God's been teaching me recently is how to love who He created me to be, in all my messiness, struggles, emotions, etc. That's hard to learn, in fact He's clearly been trying to teach me this for a while. I wrote a poem in the last year called "Shattered but Satisfied" about the struggle to embrace your brokenness and grow and learn to love who you are, rather than putting on a facade and pretending to be someone you're not. I'm very guilty of pretending to have it together because I think everyone else has it together, so I need to too.
Anyway, I got up at IV and said that God had been teaching me that messiness is beautiful, that we are broken and that although we need His healing, His grace, His love, we also need to realize that our goal ought not to be to walk around pretending we've got it all figured out, but rather our goal ought to be to get comfortable enough with ourselves that we can wade into each other's messiness. That's the beauty of God's love flowing through us: we get to love others and jump down into the hole that they've fallen into-- not because we have the answers, but because we've been down there before. As Greg puts it, "I'm just a beggar showing another beggar where to find the food."
So, I got real. I shared very blatantly some of the messiness I've experienced and am still dealing with.
Would it set me free,
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be?
Would your arms be open?
Or would you walk away?
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay?
It was a really big leap, especially for me. I wanted people to see that I'm not the person I often appear to be-- I have some deep hurt in my life and some serious struggles. But that's beautiful. And the fact that there are people in my life already who are wading into that with me is a testiment to God''s love in them and the power of Christian community. But it was a big risk. It wasn't safe, so to speak.
But regardless, I felt freer than ever and I have continued to feel free-- free to not have it together, to not be super-human all the time.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Nailed to the Cross
In small group on Wednesday night, we talked about love. We looked at a lot of verses, but the one that struck me the most was from Luke 6:
‘But I say to you that listen, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. If anyone strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also; and from anyone who takes away your coat do not withhold even your shirt. Give to everyone who begs from you; and if anyone takes away your goods, do not ask for them again. Do to others as you would have them do to you.' -Luke 6:27-31
We talked some about how revolutionary it would be if for example, we were robbed, and knowing who robbed us, we took something that they didn't steal and offered it to them in addition the things they had already stolen, rather than condemning them.
For me, though, the material possessions thing didn't really get to me all that much. It was the verse that says "Bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you." As I wrote in an earlier post, I have been struggling to understand forgiveness and maybe this goes along with it. So, I was talking through this with the girls in our small group and I said that it's hard for me to earnestly and honestly pray for someone who has truly wronged me, hurt me, etc. Laura Jo talked about that being a good time for Christian community to help pray for the wrong-doer as well as the wronged. And then I had this moment of understanding: not a standard to which we are held but a standard to which we are called.
I asked my small group what Jesus said on the cross and they thought of the moment when He says "My God, why have you forsaken me?" But I was thinking of the other moment (Luke 23:34) when He is literally being crucified. As Jesus is being nailed to the cross and people are casting lots for his clothing and sneering at him, mocking him, He says: "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."
So, too, are we called to pray for others, even when they are nailing us to a cross, so to speak. That's really hard for me to understand and harded to live out, but I have the perfect example in front of me that I can look to.
And I wonder, if instead of harboring anger, resentment, bitterness and despair, we were called to pray and stemming from that, to love and forgive... how different might the world begin to look?
‘But I say to you that listen, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. If anyone strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also; and from anyone who takes away your coat do not withhold even your shirt. Give to everyone who begs from you; and if anyone takes away your goods, do not ask for them again. Do to others as you would have them do to you.' -Luke 6:27-31
We talked some about how revolutionary it would be if for example, we were robbed, and knowing who robbed us, we took something that they didn't steal and offered it to them in addition the things they had already stolen, rather than condemning them.
For me, though, the material possessions thing didn't really get to me all that much. It was the verse that says "Bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you." As I wrote in an earlier post, I have been struggling to understand forgiveness and maybe this goes along with it. So, I was talking through this with the girls in our small group and I said that it's hard for me to earnestly and honestly pray for someone who has truly wronged me, hurt me, etc. Laura Jo talked about that being a good time for Christian community to help pray for the wrong-doer as well as the wronged. And then I had this moment of understanding: not a standard to which we are held but a standard to which we are called.
I asked my small group what Jesus said on the cross and they thought of the moment when He says "My God, why have you forsaken me?" But I was thinking of the other moment (Luke 23:34) when He is literally being crucified. As Jesus is being nailed to the cross and people are casting lots for his clothing and sneering at him, mocking him, He says: "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."
So, too, are we called to pray for others, even when they are nailing us to a cross, so to speak. That's really hard for me to understand and harded to live out, but I have the perfect example in front of me that I can look to.
And I wonder, if instead of harboring anger, resentment, bitterness and despair, we were called to pray and stemming from that, to love and forgive... how different might the world begin to look?
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Proud
I got the privilege of having coffee with Greg yesterday and it was something I'll never forget. Greg is one of the most compassionate, maybe the most compassionate, people I've ever met. For an hour I told him my "life story." He teared up and showed compassion the entire way through. I've never had someone get that emotional over my story and I am quite possibly the least emotional person when I tell my story. It is as though I am reading from a text book.
My story. That's what it is. God made me and everything that I have been through, am going through, or will go through is part of His bigger purpose. And when I look around me, I feel like I see so many people that I perceive as "lucky" or as "having it together." But maybe the truth is that I am lucky. I have seen a lot of stuff in my twenty years and I've got a million stories I could tell, but as Greg put it, "there are only two ways to come out of a story like that: bitter and angry or compassionate and big-hearted." He quickly defined me as the second one. But in being either of those, it means accepting what I've been through and allowing it to shape who I am. That's hard sometimes, because more than anything I want to be "normal." I somehow have confused normal with unblemished. They're not the same. We're all broken in some way, some more than others, but God's not going to not use us.
I feel like I've been living the Stained Glass Masquerade song, by Casting Crowns:
'Cause when I take a look around,
Everybody seems so strong.
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong.
So I tuck it all away,
Like everything's okay.
If I make them all believe it,
Maybe I'll believe it too.
But I don't believe it. I know who I am and where I come from. The journey is learning to love who God made me to be, broken and beautiful. I want to know that "who I am is who I want to be."
Greg said, "At the risk of sounding condescending, I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you for not rolling over and giving up in the midst of everything and for being vulnerable enough to share your story." And I realized that that's something I've never heard or felt... being proud of myself or feeling like someone was proud of me, just for making it through. And for sure, I didn't fully understand the definition or what he meant by that. But I like the feeling.
Anyways, all of that is to say that one of the big things God is teaching me, quite possibly the biggest right now, is how to love who I am and how to love where I came from, because it has shaped me and although it may not be clear now, God's plan is perfect. Always.
My story. That's what it is. God made me and everything that I have been through, am going through, or will go through is part of His bigger purpose. And when I look around me, I feel like I see so many people that I perceive as "lucky" or as "having it together." But maybe the truth is that I am lucky. I have seen a lot of stuff in my twenty years and I've got a million stories I could tell, but as Greg put it, "there are only two ways to come out of a story like that: bitter and angry or compassionate and big-hearted." He quickly defined me as the second one. But in being either of those, it means accepting what I've been through and allowing it to shape who I am. That's hard sometimes, because more than anything I want to be "normal." I somehow have confused normal with unblemished. They're not the same. We're all broken in some way, some more than others, but God's not going to not use us.
I feel like I've been living the Stained Glass Masquerade song, by Casting Crowns:
'Cause when I take a look around,
Everybody seems so strong.
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong.
So I tuck it all away,
Like everything's okay.
If I make them all believe it,
Maybe I'll believe it too.
But I don't believe it. I know who I am and where I come from. The journey is learning to love who God made me to be, broken and beautiful. I want to know that "who I am is who I want to be."
Greg said, "At the risk of sounding condescending, I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you for not rolling over and giving up in the midst of everything and for being vulnerable enough to share your story." And I realized that that's something I've never heard or felt... being proud of myself or feeling like someone was proud of me, just for making it through. And for sure, I didn't fully understand the definition or what he meant by that. But I like the feeling.
Anyways, all of that is to say that one of the big things God is teaching me, quite possibly the biggest right now, is how to love who I am and how to love where I came from, because it has shaped me and although it may not be clear now, God's plan is perfect. Always.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Incomparable
I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength...
-Ephesians 1:18-19
-Ephesians 1:18-19
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
A Thousand Voices
I was listening to my iPod today (I know it makes me antisocial, blah blah) as I walked around campus, and I was looking at the people walking around me and like so many other days I felt my heart surge as this song started:
We have raised a thousand voices,
Just to life Your holy name
And we will raise thousands more
To sing of Your beauty in this place.
First, I was taken back to Urbana, where twenty thousand students from colleges all over the world came together to worship God, and then just like the third line, I realized that UNCG and other campuses are not places where we should find despair at the darkness that seems so prevalent, but places of promise. They are places where God's goodness will be revealed and places where we can see God's beauty if we are willing to open our eyes.
We have raised a thousand voices,
Just to life Your holy name
And we will raise thousands more
To sing of Your beauty in this place.
First, I was taken back to Urbana, where twenty thousand students from colleges all over the world came together to worship God, and then just like the third line, I realized that UNCG and other campuses are not places where we should find despair at the darkness that seems so prevalent, but places of promise. They are places where God's goodness will be revealed and places where we can see God's beauty if we are willing to open our eyes.
Sunday, February 03, 2008
All? All.
I hear the Savior say,
“Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all.”
Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.
For nothing good have I
Whereby Thy grace to claim;
I’ll wash my garments white
In the blood of Calv’ry’s Lamb.
And now complete in Him,
My robe, His righteousness,
Close sheltered ’neath His side,
I am divinely blest.
Lord, now indeed I find
Thy pow’r, and Thine alone,
Can change the leper’s spots
And melt the heart of stone.
When from my dying bed
My ransomed soul shall rise,
“Jesus died my soul to save,”
Shall rend the vaulted skies.
And when before the throne
I stand in Him complete,
I’ll lay my trophies down,
All down at Jesus’ feet.
Jesus paid it all
All to Him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.
-"Jesus Paid It All"
ALL. PAID IN FULL.
“Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all.”
Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.
For nothing good have I
Whereby Thy grace to claim;
I’ll wash my garments white
In the blood of Calv’ry’s Lamb.
And now complete in Him,
My robe, His righteousness,
Close sheltered ’neath His side,
I am divinely blest.
Lord, now indeed I find
Thy pow’r, and Thine alone,
Can change the leper’s spots
And melt the heart of stone.
When from my dying bed
My ransomed soul shall rise,
“Jesus died my soul to save,”
Shall rend the vaulted skies.
And when before the throne
I stand in Him complete,
I’ll lay my trophies down,
All down at Jesus’ feet.
Jesus paid it all
All to Him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.
-"Jesus Paid It All"
ALL. PAID IN FULL.
Saturday, February 02, 2008
Uh...I missed something
I.don't.understand.forgiveness.
At some point in my Walk, I missed the lecture, demonstration, sermon, explanation, heart-to-heart, and entire conceptualization of human forgiveness. I can barely begin to wrap my head around God's divine grace and the forgiveness we receive because of Christ's sacrifice. But I truly don't understand forgiveness.
What I have called "forgiving" people all my life isn't really forgiving them. I just don't get it. Sorry if that sounds elementary, but I just don't understand what it looks like, what it feels like, how to do it "right" or even where to begin.
I'm super-frustrated. I've defined it with the dictionary and the Bible... I just can't figure it out. K, I'm done now.
At some point in my Walk, I missed the lecture, demonstration, sermon, explanation, heart-to-heart, and entire conceptualization of human forgiveness. I can barely begin to wrap my head around God's divine grace and the forgiveness we receive because of Christ's sacrifice. But I truly don't understand forgiveness.
What I have called "forgiving" people all my life isn't really forgiving them. I just don't get it. Sorry if that sounds elementary, but I just don't understand what it looks like, what it feels like, how to do it "right" or even where to begin.
I'm super-frustrated. I've defined it with the dictionary and the Bible... I just can't figure it out. K, I'm done now.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
The Bed Is In The Bathroom
I've lived under an assumption for three and a half years now, an assumption that I eventually "claimed" as truth, simply because I honestly thought it was truth. And now, here I am, further down the road, seemingly removed from the situation and I find out that the assumption is completely backwards. What do you do with that? I cannot even begin to wrap my head around it.
I can only describe it like this: Imagine you've lived in a house for three or four years and you've always had the furniture the same exact way. You've never even moved a lamp. And suddenly, after four long years, you come home and unexpectedly, your bed is in the bathroom, your couches are turned upside down, and everything is not like it was when you left for work that morning. Where do you sleep? You could maybe move the furniture back to the way it was, but there is other furniture in its place now. Maybe you just have to adapt and change your way of doing things. That's so hard.
I've been wrestling with this all week. What do I do now? My world feels like it's been turned on its head and I can't even figure out when it happened, much less how to deal with it. Needless to say, with a new semester of classes, leadership, CA-ing, and two surgeries in the near future, this ought to go on the back burner. Problem is, I don't think that's possible. I'm frustrated and confused, angry and reeling from the shock of it all.
Today, on leadership retreat, during quiet time, I was reading 2 Corinthians. I read parts of a few Psalms yesterday, but today I jumped to the NT.
Paul writes: For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. (2 Cor. 1:8-10)
and later...
We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed. (2 Cor. 4:8-9)
Somewhere deep down, I know that God has delivered me and will do so, just like Paul says. But it's hard to feel that when you've journeyed so far in three years, only to have it all unravel so quickly and unexpectedly. But God is good and I know that with time I will look back on this period and be able to see God's redemptive power at work. And that right now, I have to both surrender this to God and trust that He will see it through. David Mallard talked about how those two (SURRENDER and TRUST) go together, and one without the other is worthless. Surrender without trust leads to depression, confusion. Trust without surrender is self-trust and a reliance on self, which will ultimately fail. God will see this through. God will see me through.
I can only describe it like this: Imagine you've lived in a house for three or four years and you've always had the furniture the same exact way. You've never even moved a lamp. And suddenly, after four long years, you come home and unexpectedly, your bed is in the bathroom, your couches are turned upside down, and everything is not like it was when you left for work that morning. Where do you sleep? You could maybe move the furniture back to the way it was, but there is other furniture in its place now. Maybe you just have to adapt and change your way of doing things. That's so hard.
I've been wrestling with this all week. What do I do now? My world feels like it's been turned on its head and I can't even figure out when it happened, much less how to deal with it. Needless to say, with a new semester of classes, leadership, CA-ing, and two surgeries in the near future, this ought to go on the back burner. Problem is, I don't think that's possible. I'm frustrated and confused, angry and reeling from the shock of it all.
Today, on leadership retreat, during quiet time, I was reading 2 Corinthians. I read parts of a few Psalms yesterday, but today I jumped to the NT.
Paul writes: For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. (2 Cor. 1:8-10)
and later...
We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed. (2 Cor. 4:8-9)
Somewhere deep down, I know that God has delivered me and will do so, just like Paul says. But it's hard to feel that when you've journeyed so far in three years, only to have it all unravel so quickly and unexpectedly. But God is good and I know that with time I will look back on this period and be able to see God's redemptive power at work. And that right now, I have to both surrender this to God and trust that He will see it through. David Mallard talked about how those two (SURRENDER and TRUST) go together, and one without the other is worthless. Surrender without trust leads to depression, confusion. Trust without surrender is self-trust and a reliance on self, which will ultimately fail. God will see this through. God will see me through.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
i have decided i'm going to set out to lobby to change a north carolina statute. in other words, i'm going to set out to change a law that is in place, because i think that a particular part of the nc statute is completely arbitrary (and that statement could apply to most, if not all, laws) and could easily be changed to allow for more justice.
and that is, what the laws, court system and larger society ought to be about, after all, right?
and so today, january 15, 2008, i'm setting out to change something, do something seemingly meaningful, even if it might be three years and four months late.
and that is, what the laws, court system and larger society ought to be about, after all, right?
and so today, january 15, 2008, i'm setting out to change something, do something seemingly meaningful, even if it might be three years and four months late.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Somewhere in the middle...
I've spent most of break in the residence hall, working for HRL. They needed a CA over break and I willingly volunteered. It's been a fairly lonely way to exist, simply because most people go home for break, so those left in the 'boro are few and far between. It did, however, give me some good quality time with a handful of people and some serious rest time, which I realize now I needed badly. I've gotten to read, go for walks (shhh... don't tell my doctor), listen to music and enjoy the peace and quiet, without stress or to-do lists. My birthday (yay! I'm no longer a teenager. Why I am so ready to get on with growing up, I don't know, because most of the time I wish time could just stop momentarily so I could thoroughly soak up everything that is going on.), Christmas and New Years were all wonderful.
Tomorrow morning, I'm leaving for Pennsylvania. I'm going to visit Laura Jo and her family for a few days. I'm very excited and I've been looking forward to this trip for almost a month. I'm sure there will be many a post about the trip once I return. However, once I return to the 'boro, I will spend four or five days in CA Spring Training, and then I will have surgery on Friday, January 11, and classes resume on January 14. Nothing like hitting the ground running, huh? Anyway, so I just thought I'd give you that update.
Casting Crowns' new CD is wonderful, by the way. I really am enjoying it more each time I listen to it. But one song in particular has really touched me: Somewhere in the Middle. Here's the chorus:
Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender
Without losing all control?
Fearless warriors in a picket fence,
Wreckless abandon wrapped in common sense.
Deep-water faith in the shallow end,
And we are caught in the middle.
With eyes wide open to the differences,
The God we want and the God who is.
But will we trade our dreams for His,
Or are we caught in the middle?
I think that there's a certain despair and frustration with feeling like there's a standard that I haven't reached yet... but it's mixed, certainly, with a complacency that comes from our society today and from my own brokenness.
Revelation 2:4-5
Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first.
Tomorrow morning, I'm leaving for Pennsylvania. I'm going to visit Laura Jo and her family for a few days. I'm very excited and I've been looking forward to this trip for almost a month. I'm sure there will be many a post about the trip once I return. However, once I return to the 'boro, I will spend four or five days in CA Spring Training, and then I will have surgery on Friday, January 11, and classes resume on January 14. Nothing like hitting the ground running, huh? Anyway, so I just thought I'd give you that update.
Casting Crowns' new CD is wonderful, by the way. I really am enjoying it more each time I listen to it. But one song in particular has really touched me: Somewhere in the Middle. Here's the chorus:
Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender
Without losing all control?
Fearless warriors in a picket fence,
Wreckless abandon wrapped in common sense.
Deep-water faith in the shallow end,
And we are caught in the middle.
With eyes wide open to the differences,
The God we want and the God who is.
But will we trade our dreams for His,
Or are we caught in the middle?
I think that there's a certain despair and frustration with feeling like there's a standard that I haven't reached yet... but it's mixed, certainly, with a complacency that comes from our society today and from my own brokenness.
Revelation 2:4-5
Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Isaiah 6
1 In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple. 2 Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. 3 And they were calling to one another: "Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory."
4 At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.
5 "Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty."
Verse 5. That's how I feel. I know that if you keep reading the seraph comes and touches a coal to Isaiah's lips and it removes all of his guilt and atones for his sin, in the same way that Jesus' sacrifice atones for our sin. But for some reason, I feel stuck on verse five. I wake up in the morning feeling as though I am unable to be in the presence of God because I am so overcome with the weight of my sin.
It's a feeling unlike any I've ever experienced. Sometimes I question the sufficiency of God's grace, but I go back to the word and I know that it is sufficient. But for some reason, this is different. I don't feel like my sin is too big for God to erase; I just feel so overwhelmed by the thought of it. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I guess the best way that I can articulate this feeling is that I am stuck on verse 5. I know in my heart that verse 6 comes next, and the verses after it... but for some reason, I feel like I'm in the "verse 5 rut."
4 At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.
5 "Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty."
Verse 5. That's how I feel. I know that if you keep reading the seraph comes and touches a coal to Isaiah's lips and it removes all of his guilt and atones for his sin, in the same way that Jesus' sacrifice atones for our sin. But for some reason, I feel stuck on verse five. I wake up in the morning feeling as though I am unable to be in the presence of God because I am so overcome with the weight of my sin.
It's a feeling unlike any I've ever experienced. Sometimes I question the sufficiency of God's grace, but I go back to the word and I know that it is sufficient. But for some reason, this is different. I don't feel like my sin is too big for God to erase; I just feel so overwhelmed by the thought of it. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I guess the best way that I can articulate this feeling is that I am stuck on verse 5. I know in my heart that verse 6 comes next, and the verses after it... but for some reason, I feel like I'm in the "verse 5 rut."
Monday, December 03, 2007
Immeasurably More...
Laura Jo and I were talking after church today, and we always have the best conversations. Really. We talk about hard stuff, deep stuff, whatever. It's wonderful to have someone like that in my life, who I trust and love and enjoy discussing stuff with.
Today, we talked about InterVarsity some. I talked about how I see so much hurt and pain and brokenness in our chapter right now. And she acknowledged that she sees all of that too, but she reminded me not to discount all the ways in which God is moving in and growing our chapter, and the individuals in it. I've seen amazing growth in individuals this year, and a maturation of the community that exists within our chapter. It's really wonderful. God moves in ways I never thought possible.
I am not discounting the hurt that exists and the need for the body of Christ to surround and care for those who are hurting. But I do not want to ever again lose sight of the amazing ways God is working in our each of our lives, in our chapter, on our campus and in the community.
"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!" -Ephesians 3: 20-21
Immeasurably more than I can imagine! Wow. He is at work within us, around us, through us. How awesome is that?!
Today, we talked about InterVarsity some. I talked about how I see so much hurt and pain and brokenness in our chapter right now. And she acknowledged that she sees all of that too, but she reminded me not to discount all the ways in which God is moving in and growing our chapter, and the individuals in it. I've seen amazing growth in individuals this year, and a maturation of the community that exists within our chapter. It's really wonderful. God moves in ways I never thought possible.
I am not discounting the hurt that exists and the need for the body of Christ to surround and care for those who are hurting. But I do not want to ever again lose sight of the amazing ways God is working in our each of our lives, in our chapter, on our campus and in the community.
"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!" -Ephesians 3: 20-21
Immeasurably more than I can imagine! Wow. He is at work within us, around us, through us. How awesome is that?!
Saturday, December 01, 2007
To Write Love On Her Arms
So, Facebook has these things called "Causes." You can support a "cause," recruit people for your "cause," give money, etc etc etc blah blah blah. I resisted supporting a "causes" on facebook because I didn't want to support everything that people kept asking me to support. It's not that I am not worried about breast cancer (in fact, it's affected a lot of people in my life), it's not that I don't support the Deaf Community and Deaf Awareness (I do), but for some reason I felt it would look like I was kind of "halfway" supporting a bunch of different things. I wanted to make sure that if I said I supported something, then I truly did. And that it was something I felt passionate about.
So, when I got an invitation today to support a cause called "To Write Love On Her Arms," I looked at the facebook page, and then at the website, and I realized that this may not be a traditional "cause" but it is something I support and truly want to be a part of.
Here is something from the website:
I have been challenged and changed, reminded that love is that simple answer to so many of our hardest questions. Don Miller says we're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding. I agree so greatly. We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love.
Take a broken girl...tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true. We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home.
God has taught me a lot recently about two things: about what it looks like to both be the Body of Christ, but not think you can solve people's problems, and also just what the redemptive power of Christ can do in our lives. As Laura Jo constantly reminds me, we're all beggars showing other hungry people where to find the food. A huge part of being the body of Christ, I'm beginning to realize, isn't solving problems, it's getting messy and being willing to be broken hearted for people. God shows up all the time and He is constantly exceeding my expectations (which is good, because a lot of times I think I have pretty small expectations of such a BIG God... but that's another subject for another post). Anyway, I just really feel like we all go through times in our lives where we feel distant, alone, hopeless and unsure. And we are called to lead those people back, carrying them if necessary and to love them through it all. Because not one of us is worthy of the sacrifice on Calvary, but we are all worth a lot, because we are the precious children of the King.
So, check out the website if you feel so inclined. It's good.
So, when I got an invitation today to support a cause called "To Write Love On Her Arms," I looked at the facebook page, and then at the website, and I realized that this may not be a traditional "cause" but it is something I support and truly want to be a part of.
Here is something from the website:
I have been challenged and changed, reminded that love is that simple answer to so many of our hardest questions. Don Miller says we're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding. I agree so greatly. We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love.
Take a broken girl...tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true. We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home.
God has taught me a lot recently about two things: about what it looks like to both be the Body of Christ, but not think you can solve people's problems, and also just what the redemptive power of Christ can do in our lives. As Laura Jo constantly reminds me, we're all beggars showing other hungry people where to find the food. A huge part of being the body of Christ, I'm beginning to realize, isn't solving problems, it's getting messy and being willing to be broken hearted for people. God shows up all the time and He is constantly exceeding my expectations (which is good, because a lot of times I think I have pretty small expectations of such a BIG God... but that's another subject for another post). Anyway, I just really feel like we all go through times in our lives where we feel distant, alone, hopeless and unsure. And we are called to lead those people back, carrying them if necessary and to love them through it all. Because not one of us is worthy of the sacrifice on Calvary, but we are all worth a lot, because we are the precious children of the King.
So, check out the website if you feel so inclined. It's good.
Monday, November 05, 2007
"You Shall Take Delight In The Lord."
“Moreover, I gave them my Sabbaths, as a sign between me and them, that they might know that I am the Lord who sanctifies them.” –Ezekiel 20:12
Funny how you can be so sure of something and yet it wasn't and isn't true. C-Team introduced to InterVarsity's leadership team the idea of "sabbath week." Basically, for a week, leadership team members are supposed to remove themselves from InterVarsity and the stress that can result from helping shepherd the body. For a week, we were supposed to not read/answer IV emails, not plan events, not attend Oasis or small group, but spend time enjoying God and being in His presence and renew our love for serving on leadership. That's my non-eloquent way of explaining it.
I am a go-go-go person. Like a lot of people nowadays, I want everything to get done, even if the volume of things to do should take me 27 hours, rather than the 24 we get each day. And I like to do everything myself. I don't like to allow people to help me, whether that's because of my inability to humble myself enough to admit that I cannot do it alone, or whether it is simply because I'm afraid to ask for help, or a combination. Being a student requires a lot of work. Being a CA requires a lot of work, but the harder thing is that I have to be "on" 24 hours a day. When that resident comes knocking on my door at 2am because she needs to talk, or when someone pulls the fire alarm and we are once again evacuated and then asked to do crowd-control, or when there's an incident on the floor at midnight and I have a major exam the next day, I have to be ready to deal with it.
When the idea of a sabbath week was first presented, it wasn't that I thought it was a bad idea. The problem for me was that, up until that point, I had been to one Oasis meeting in the two months we had been in school. And I had only gone to two small group meetings. Not for lack of wanting to be at either, but simply because I often ended up on-duty on those nights. (Which has been a blessing, because my focus has shifted from the ministry and the ministry only, to my relationship with God) But my first reaction was that it wasn't "fair." I didn't want to blindly sign up for a week when I didn't know what Mondays and Thursdays I would be on-duty. As luck (er... as God) would have it, the week I signed up for ended up being the week that I wasn't on duty either night. Boo. I kept telling people that IV didn't cause me stress. That IV brought me joy, helped challenge and grow me. That I loved IV.
My other frustration with the Sabbath week was that I couldn't take a sabbath from my job, though I've mentioned it to my supervisor... I don't think she totally understood. In the end, the stress in my life, I thought came from my job, not from IV. That my joy in serving with IV had not been lost in the stress or the hustle and bustle of planning events.
And so this week, I went reluctantly into my sabbath week. But I realized tonight, after being told in no uncertain terms, (but I am grateful for this) that I am denying God the opportunity to bless my richly with rest. To give me a week with one less thing on my calendar, with one less thing to have to attend, to have to be "on" for. And IV does cause me stress. And God loves me and us enough that He created an entire day for rest, so that we could be in His presence.
So God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it God rested from all his work that he had done in creation. –Genesis 2:3
That verse. It stuck out to me. I am super-arrogant if I think that I do not need or cannot rest on the Sabbath. At some point I got it into my head that I was above needing the sabbath or that things would fall apart if I let everything go for a week. Funny, though, that the God of the universe, the Creator and Sanctifier could rest on the seventh day from all His work, and I believe that I cannot...
If you honor [the Sabbath], not going your own ways or seeking your own pleasure, or talking idly, then you shall take delight in the Lord.
–Isaiah 58:13,14
My prayer this week is that I would humble myself enough to enter God's rest and to delight in Him. To do nothing more occassionally, not only this week, but in my life, than sit at His feet and just "be." The world isn't going to fall apart. Things are not going to fall to pieces. God's got it and it's okay for me to rest. My prayer is that God would teach me, show me, and break me so that I can rest fully in Him, knowing that rest is not an obligation. It is a blessing. And that I would take joy in this.
He restores my soul. –Psalm 23:3a
Funny how you can be so sure of something and yet it wasn't and isn't true. C-Team introduced to InterVarsity's leadership team the idea of "sabbath week." Basically, for a week, leadership team members are supposed to remove themselves from InterVarsity and the stress that can result from helping shepherd the body. For a week, we were supposed to not read/answer IV emails, not plan events, not attend Oasis or small group, but spend time enjoying God and being in His presence and renew our love for serving on leadership. That's my non-eloquent way of explaining it.
I am a go-go-go person. Like a lot of people nowadays, I want everything to get done, even if the volume of things to do should take me 27 hours, rather than the 24 we get each day. And I like to do everything myself. I don't like to allow people to help me, whether that's because of my inability to humble myself enough to admit that I cannot do it alone, or whether it is simply because I'm afraid to ask for help, or a combination. Being a student requires a lot of work. Being a CA requires a lot of work, but the harder thing is that I have to be "on" 24 hours a day. When that resident comes knocking on my door at 2am because she needs to talk, or when someone pulls the fire alarm and we are once again evacuated and then asked to do crowd-control, or when there's an incident on the floor at midnight and I have a major exam the next day, I have to be ready to deal with it.
When the idea of a sabbath week was first presented, it wasn't that I thought it was a bad idea. The problem for me was that, up until that point, I had been to one Oasis meeting in the two months we had been in school. And I had only gone to two small group meetings. Not for lack of wanting to be at either, but simply because I often ended up on-duty on those nights. (Which has been a blessing, because my focus has shifted from the ministry and the ministry only, to my relationship with God) But my first reaction was that it wasn't "fair." I didn't want to blindly sign up for a week when I didn't know what Mondays and Thursdays I would be on-duty. As luck (er... as God) would have it, the week I signed up for ended up being the week that I wasn't on duty either night. Boo. I kept telling people that IV didn't cause me stress. That IV brought me joy, helped challenge and grow me. That I loved IV.
My other frustration with the Sabbath week was that I couldn't take a sabbath from my job, though I've mentioned it to my supervisor... I don't think she totally understood. In the end, the stress in my life, I thought came from my job, not from IV. That my joy in serving with IV had not been lost in the stress or the hustle and bustle of planning events.
And so this week, I went reluctantly into my sabbath week. But I realized tonight, after being told in no uncertain terms, (but I am grateful for this) that I am denying God the opportunity to bless my richly with rest. To give me a week with one less thing on my calendar, with one less thing to have to attend, to have to be "on" for. And IV does cause me stress. And God loves me and us enough that He created an entire day for rest, so that we could be in His presence.
So God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it God rested from all his work that he had done in creation. –Genesis 2:3
That verse. It stuck out to me. I am super-arrogant if I think that I do not need or cannot rest on the Sabbath. At some point I got it into my head that I was above needing the sabbath or that things would fall apart if I let everything go for a week. Funny, though, that the God of the universe, the Creator and Sanctifier could rest on the seventh day from all His work, and I believe that I cannot...
If you honor [the Sabbath], not going your own ways or seeking your own pleasure, or talking idly, then you shall take delight in the Lord.
–Isaiah 58:13,14
My prayer this week is that I would humble myself enough to enter God's rest and to delight in Him. To do nothing more occassionally, not only this week, but in my life, than sit at His feet and just "be." The world isn't going to fall apart. Things are not going to fall to pieces. God's got it and it's okay for me to rest. My prayer is that God would teach me, show me, and break me so that I can rest fully in Him, knowing that rest is not an obligation. It is a blessing. And that I would take joy in this.
He restores my soul. –Psalm 23:3a
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Distributing the Loaves and Fish
I was looking at the passage in Luke where Jesus feeds the five thousand. And something different about the passage struck me tonight. In Luke 9:16, it says that Jesus blesses the five loaves and two fish and then He gives "them to the disciples to set before the crowd." Here's my thing. This is Jesus we're talking about. You know, God's son. If He had wanted bread to rain down from Heaven for all the people to eat, that could have happened. He could have done many things to get the food to all the people, but He chose to use the disciples to distribute the food to the hungry masses.
I wonder if this task seemed overwhelming and yet mundane to the disciples... It doesn't say how it felt to them, but I think it would feel a little mundane or a little...I can't think of the word... Here's the thing, the miracle of making five loaves and two fish into enough for five thousand people has been done. The distributing is all that's left. And maybe to the disciples it seemed like it would be easier if God just "snapped his fingers" and put the bread in front of the hungry people. But He didn't. He chose to use the disciples to glorify Himself.
I think so often I get frustrated because I don't see how the little things are a part of furthering God's kingdom, but if God is trying to use me today to "distribute five loaves and two fishes" then maybe I ought to be honored to be used, instead of frustrated that what I am called to do doesn't seem important or "big" enough.
But at the same time, I think it's also imporant to remember that had it not been for Jesus' miracle, the disciples would not have had any food to pass out to the people. We are wholly and completely dependent on God but not vice versa. In other words, God doesn't have to use us. He chooses to. And without His perfect plan, without His help, without His guidance we would be unable to do the things we do. Casting Crowns has a song that says:
If You ask me to leap out of my boat onto crashing waves,
And if You ask me to go preach to a lost world that Jesus saves,
Well I'll go but I cannot go alone,
'Cause I know I'm nothing on my own,
But the power of Christ in me makes me strong. Makes me strong...
How refreshing to know You don't need me,
How amazing to find that You want me.
So I'll stand on Your truth and I'll fight with Your strength
Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me.
This song exemplifies a few things.
1) A willingness to serve, follow and obey.
2) An acknowledgement that without Jesus we are incapable, inadequate
3) An acknowledgement that with Jesus, we are strong, capable, etc.
4) A reiteration of the fact that God does not need us for His will to be done, but He chooses to use us
5) A declaration of the fact that even with willingness, we must rely on God in everything we do.
So even in the mundane, God is at work. God can and will use me if I am willing and I humble myself enough to realize that the little things I do are important and that God is moving in and through me. I like that, even if it's hard to live out sometimes.
I wonder if this task seemed overwhelming and yet mundane to the disciples... It doesn't say how it felt to them, but I think it would feel a little mundane or a little...I can't think of the word... Here's the thing, the miracle of making five loaves and two fish into enough for five thousand people has been done. The distributing is all that's left. And maybe to the disciples it seemed like it would be easier if God just "snapped his fingers" and put the bread in front of the hungry people. But He didn't. He chose to use the disciples to glorify Himself.
I think so often I get frustrated because I don't see how the little things are a part of furthering God's kingdom, but if God is trying to use me today to "distribute five loaves and two fishes" then maybe I ought to be honored to be used, instead of frustrated that what I am called to do doesn't seem important or "big" enough.
But at the same time, I think it's also imporant to remember that had it not been for Jesus' miracle, the disciples would not have had any food to pass out to the people. We are wholly and completely dependent on God but not vice versa. In other words, God doesn't have to use us. He chooses to. And without His perfect plan, without His help, without His guidance we would be unable to do the things we do. Casting Crowns has a song that says:
If You ask me to leap out of my boat onto crashing waves,
And if You ask me to go preach to a lost world that Jesus saves,
Well I'll go but I cannot go alone,
'Cause I know I'm nothing on my own,
But the power of Christ in me makes me strong. Makes me strong...
How refreshing to know You don't need me,
How amazing to find that You want me.
So I'll stand on Your truth and I'll fight with Your strength
Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me.
This song exemplifies a few things.
1) A willingness to serve, follow and obey.
2) An acknowledgement that without Jesus we are incapable, inadequate
3) An acknowledgement that with Jesus, we are strong, capable, etc.
4) A reiteration of the fact that God does not need us for His will to be done, but He chooses to use us
5) A declaration of the fact that even with willingness, we must rely on God in everything we do.
So even in the mundane, God is at work. God can and will use me if I am willing and I humble myself enough to realize that the little things I do are important and that God is moving in and through me. I like that, even if it's hard to live out sometimes.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Macaroni Soup
It's hard for me sometimes to not get bogged down in the mundane. Life just feels kind of empty, and yet I run myself ragged on a daily basis. Don't get me wrong. I'm happy. I'm just... devoid of something.
I look around my room tonight and wonder...
-Why it's midnight and I still haven't eaten dinner...
-When I'll have time to do laundry
-When my room got to be such a mess
-Why I still have homework to do
-Why I don't see my friends as often as I'd like
-Why I feel so... empty.
And I realize that today was a busy day. I went to both services at church and then spent an hour after the second service talking to people and waiting to chat with the pastor and ask him the hundred burning questions I had. And then a few of us went to lunch. And that was nice. And then Laura Jo and I sat in the grass on-campus and talked... about everything... about nothing. And that was WONDERFUL. And then I took a forty-five minute nap... a much-needed nap. And then there was the CA mandatory meeting (it's called an in-service). And then I did do homework, I did, but by this time it was 7:15pm. And at 8:30 I had a leadership meeting for InterVarsity. And then I had stuff come up on my hall that needed to be dealt with. Maybe I need a 28 hour day... but probably, I would fill that up too. Probably, there would still be things that went unaddressed.
And yet for all the running around I do, for all the work that I am able to complete in a day, a week, a month, I still feel like I'm not doing anything significant. I guess I want to make a difference. I want to do something. I want to affect change. I want to fulfill my purpose in life. I want to be able to look back on my life and be happy with who I was, what I tried to accomplish.
So tonight, I made "macaroni soup" (easy mac with a little too much water); I worked on homework, talked to friends online, and realized (again) that God is in the mundane. He works in us and through us regardless of what we are doing in life, whether it's being a CA or being a friend, whether it's when we're having a cup of coffee with someone or whether we're babysitting; whatever we do, we do unto Him. And I guess I need to be more willing to be used even in the places I don't feel like God can use me.
I look around my room tonight and wonder...
-Why it's midnight and I still haven't eaten dinner...
-When I'll have time to do laundry
-When my room got to be such a mess
-Why I still have homework to do
-Why I don't see my friends as often as I'd like
-Why I feel so... empty.
And I realize that today was a busy day. I went to both services at church and then spent an hour after the second service talking to people and waiting to chat with the pastor and ask him the hundred burning questions I had. And then a few of us went to lunch. And that was nice. And then Laura Jo and I sat in the grass on-campus and talked... about everything... about nothing. And that was WONDERFUL. And then I took a forty-five minute nap... a much-needed nap. And then there was the CA mandatory meeting (it's called an in-service). And then I did do homework, I did, but by this time it was 7:15pm. And at 8:30 I had a leadership meeting for InterVarsity. And then I had stuff come up on my hall that needed to be dealt with. Maybe I need a 28 hour day... but probably, I would fill that up too. Probably, there would still be things that went unaddressed.
And yet for all the running around I do, for all the work that I am able to complete in a day, a week, a month, I still feel like I'm not doing anything significant. I guess I want to make a difference. I want to do something. I want to affect change. I want to fulfill my purpose in life. I want to be able to look back on my life and be happy with who I was, what I tried to accomplish.
So tonight, I made "macaroni soup" (easy mac with a little too much water); I worked on homework, talked to friends online, and realized (again) that God is in the mundane. He works in us and through us regardless of what we are doing in life, whether it's being a CA or being a friend, whether it's when we're having a cup of coffee with someone or whether we're babysitting; whatever we do, we do unto Him. And I guess I need to be more willing to be used even in the places I don't feel like God can use me.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
What if...?
-What if, just one night, I could come back to my room in the wee hours of the morning and have someone there waiting for me, willing to talk or to listen, or to just sit with me while I try to decompress?
-What if feeling overly busy and useful went hand in hand? That is to say, what if whenever I feel busy beyond belief (which is all the time), it meant that I also felt useful, needed?
-What if the world could stop so I could catch my breath and readjust before continuing onto whatever is waiting to be done?
-What if you automatically felt appreciated?
-What if 24 hours was enough to hang out with your friends, work, go to school, have alone time, and sleep? Oh wait, I forgot about meals... and homework... and cleaning... and showering... and laundry... and other miscellaneous items that demand attention...
-What if when you tried your best to hold all the pieces of yours and everyone else's life together, you could succeed?
-What if the best you could do at the time was always good enough?
It's hard to like the fact that those things aren't guaranteed or don't happen, because it means I'm fallible. It means I'm human. It means I am dependent on someone other than myself to make things happen. It reminds me that I need God. Need Him. So when it feels hard, or impossible, that's when I'm so sure that I cannot do this alone, that's when I feel Him pulling me closer.
-What if feeling overly busy and useful went hand in hand? That is to say, what if whenever I feel busy beyond belief (which is all the time), it meant that I also felt useful, needed?
-What if the world could stop so I could catch my breath and readjust before continuing onto whatever is waiting to be done?
-What if you automatically felt appreciated?
-What if 24 hours was enough to hang out with your friends, work, go to school, have alone time, and sleep? Oh wait, I forgot about meals... and homework... and cleaning... and showering... and laundry... and other miscellaneous items that demand attention...
-What if when you tried your best to hold all the pieces of yours and everyone else's life together, you could succeed?
-What if the best you could do at the time was always good enough?
It's hard to like the fact that those things aren't guaranteed or don't happen, because it means I'm fallible. It means I'm human. It means I am dependent on someone other than myself to make things happen. It reminds me that I need God. Need Him. So when it feels hard, or impossible, that's when I'm so sure that I cannot do this alone, that's when I feel Him pulling me closer.
Saturday, September 08, 2007
Immeasurable
I've been reading a book called The Cost of Committment. Sammie Jo wanted me to give it a try, so we could discuss it during our discipleship meetings. I gave it a try and I'll be honest, I couldn't put it down.
At first I was a little skeptical, mostly, I think, because of the title. I guess I've heard over and over again that in order to follow Jesus, we pay a price. It is a price that is more than worth it; the price of rejection, ridicule, pain, or whatever else is worth it, in the end... because, in reality, the greatest price was paid on the cross two thousand years ago.
But beyond all that, the title harkened back to the two parables in the Bible... the one about the Treasure in the field and the one about the Pearl of Great Price. The treasure in the field story is where a man finds buried treasure in a field. Overcome with excitement at this discovery, he buries the treasure again in a field, and sells everything he owns in order to buy the field. I was always kind of awe-struck by this. I value many things in my life, sure, but I guess the only way I ever saw this story as being applicable was to give up everything I have in life to follow Jesus. But, the author of The Cost of Committment writes that it's not so much about renouncing everything you have but rather, re-evaluating everything you have, and understanding what you think your priorities are and what they ought to be.
I liked that. I liked that following Jesus didn't necessarily have to be about renouncing all my worldly possessions, but it's about committing everything to Him and taking up my cross daily.
I guess that's what I've been thinking about lately... what it truly means to follow. The other thing that stuck out to me, although I'm only half way through the book, so I'm sure there will be more later, is when he talked about a Muslim man's conversion to Christianity, how he is shunned and rejected and almost hated by his family. But, the author says, this man's heart still breaks and he still weeps everytime he leaves his family. He is not angry or bitter or frustrated, but heartbroken because they do not know the joy that comes from the freedom we have in Jesus Christ. I have come to the realization that my heart may never stop breaking for my family and friends who do not know Jesus. That I am much less angry. I am just sad. Because Jesus has brought me unspeakable joy and incredible peace, even in the midst of suffering. And I cannot tell you what I wouldn't give so that those I love and even those I don't know could know the immeasurable joy and love that I experience with Christ. I think that's how God feels about each of His children... He desires a relationship with each of them, so to ever think that we should cease to feel heartbroken seems inconsistent with a personable, loving God who pursues us even when we don't deserve it.
Objects of mercy, who should have known wrath.
We're filled with unspeakable joy
Riches of wisdom, unsearchable wealth
And the wonder of knowing Your voice
You are our treasure and our great reward,
Our hope and our glorious King.
At first I was a little skeptical, mostly, I think, because of the title. I guess I've heard over and over again that in order to follow Jesus, we pay a price. It is a price that is more than worth it; the price of rejection, ridicule, pain, or whatever else is worth it, in the end... because, in reality, the greatest price was paid on the cross two thousand years ago.
But beyond all that, the title harkened back to the two parables in the Bible... the one about the Treasure in the field and the one about the Pearl of Great Price. The treasure in the field story is where a man finds buried treasure in a field. Overcome with excitement at this discovery, he buries the treasure again in a field, and sells everything he owns in order to buy the field. I was always kind of awe-struck by this. I value many things in my life, sure, but I guess the only way I ever saw this story as being applicable was to give up everything I have in life to follow Jesus. But, the author of The Cost of Committment writes that it's not so much about renouncing everything you have but rather, re-evaluating everything you have, and understanding what you think your priorities are and what they ought to be.
I liked that. I liked that following Jesus didn't necessarily have to be about renouncing all my worldly possessions, but it's about committing everything to Him and taking up my cross daily.
I guess that's what I've been thinking about lately... what it truly means to follow. The other thing that stuck out to me, although I'm only half way through the book, so I'm sure there will be more later, is when he talked about a Muslim man's conversion to Christianity, how he is shunned and rejected and almost hated by his family. But, the author says, this man's heart still breaks and he still weeps everytime he leaves his family. He is not angry or bitter or frustrated, but heartbroken because they do not know the joy that comes from the freedom we have in Jesus Christ. I have come to the realization that my heart may never stop breaking for my family and friends who do not know Jesus. That I am much less angry. I am just sad. Because Jesus has brought me unspeakable joy and incredible peace, even in the midst of suffering. And I cannot tell you what I wouldn't give so that those I love and even those I don't know could know the immeasurable joy and love that I experience with Christ. I think that's how God feels about each of His children... He desires a relationship with each of them, so to ever think that we should cease to feel heartbroken seems inconsistent with a personable, loving God who pursues us even when we don't deserve it.
Objects of mercy, who should have known wrath.
We're filled with unspeakable joy
Riches of wisdom, unsearchable wealth
And the wonder of knowing Your voice
You are our treasure and our great reward,
Our hope and our glorious King.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
I-House Staff
Here we are... matching shirts and all.
Left to right: Jess, Deryle, Amanda, Me and Anna
We're quite the crazy staff...
I'm Slacking Off in the Blogging Department
...and cranking it up in every other department. Life's just been super-hectic, what can I say? CA training has kept me busy for the past week and a half, but I've really enjoyed getting to know the staff in my residence hall and also getting to know the professional staff. Today, the majority of my residents moved in, which is very exciting. I vaguely remember what move-in day was like last year, though I think I was pretty zoned out the entire time.
Classes start on Monday which seems entirely too soon to restart a year of school, but at the same time that I feel that particular way, I also am thoroughly excited to be on a regular schedule and be challenged intellectually and mentally (those aren't synonymous, right!?) Anyways, Mondays and Wednesdays I have four classes (Spanish Composition, Statistics, Islam and Sociology). On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I have just two classes (Tues: Psychology-Theories of Personality and Social Work; and Thurs: Psychology-Theories of Personality and Biology Lab). And on Fridays, I only have three classes (Span. Comp., Stats, and Sociology).
Jess, my immediate supervisor and live-in ACRL for my residence hall gave me a bookmark she found leftover in the office. It has a quote on it and I really like it, so I thought I would share it, and a couple other quotes with you, oh Reader:
"Happiness is not a destination. It is a method of life." -Burton Hills
"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose..."
"Life could take on any number of shapes while you were busy fighting your own demons. But if you were changing at the same rate as the person beside you, nothing else really mattered. You became each other's constant." -Jodi Picoult
"A level of a house, his father has told him, is called a STORY. Nathaniel likes that. It makes him feel like maybe he is living between the covers of a book himself. Like maybe everyone in every home is sure to get a happy ending." -Jodi Picoult, Pefect Match
That's all for now. I'm exhausted. I'm going to try to be better and more diligent about blogging.
Classes start on Monday which seems entirely too soon to restart a year of school, but at the same time that I feel that particular way, I also am thoroughly excited to be on a regular schedule and be challenged intellectually and mentally (those aren't synonymous, right!?) Anyways, Mondays and Wednesdays I have four classes (Spanish Composition, Statistics, Islam and Sociology). On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I have just two classes (Tues: Psychology-Theories of Personality and Social Work; and Thurs: Psychology-Theories of Personality and Biology Lab). And on Fridays, I only have three classes (Span. Comp., Stats, and Sociology).
Jess, my immediate supervisor and live-in ACRL for my residence hall gave me a bookmark she found leftover in the office. It has a quote on it and I really like it, so I thought I would share it, and a couple other quotes with you, oh Reader:
"Happiness is not a destination. It is a method of life." -Burton Hills
"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose..."
"Life could take on any number of shapes while you were busy fighting your own demons. But if you were changing at the same rate as the person beside you, nothing else really mattered. You became each other's constant." -Jodi Picoult
"A level of a house, his father has told him, is called a STORY. Nathaniel likes that. It makes him feel like maybe he is living between the covers of a book himself. Like maybe everyone in every home is sure to get a happy ending." -Jodi Picoult, Pefect Match
That's all for now. I'm exhausted. I'm going to try to be better and more diligent about blogging.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Accupuncture...
| So, in an attempt to figure out the whole foot thing, we're going to try accupuncture... and needless to say, I'm slightly freaked out. This is how the conversation went: - I don't know about this whole accupuncture thing. -It'll be fine. -But, I really don't like needles. They always hurt... -But they're really small needles. -No, but I don't like needles. -They're really small. -But they're still needles. -Yeah, well... -No, they're needles... and just like shots, it'll hurt. -It won't hurt. Accupuncture doesn't hurt. -Oh, so you've had it done? -Well, no. -Then how do you know about it? -I've read about it. Oh yeah, 'cause clearly the pain jumps right off the page. |
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Be A David...
I've been studying some about the story of David and Goliath from the Book of 1 Samuel. When I was in Jacksonville with Amanda Coale a couple weekends ago, I had the privilege of attending her home church, which is very different from the one I went to during middle and high school. Her pastor gave a sermon on David and Goliath. He talked about the way that our battles are not something we should shrink from; he also mentioned that often the giants in our life may not look all that big to an onlooker, but to us they might just be enormous. One of the things that struck me most is the fact that David carried five stones with him, not because he thought he would need all five for Goliath, but because Goliath had brothers. David didn't go into fight one "demon" and allow the subsequent ones to defeat him. He went prepared and never backed down. David did not go into battle alone, but with complete confidence in the strength of the Lord.
One thing that I thought about was that I don't always fight my battle with that unfailing confidence. David looked at the giant and said, "You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the LORD will hand you over to me, and I'll strike you down and cut off your head. Today I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds of the air and the beasts of the earth, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel. All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the LORD saves; for the battle is the LORD's, and he will give all of you into our hands." (1 Samuel 17:45-47) Today, I think confidence in the power of the Lord looks slightly different. To me, it means believing completely that my salvation was secured two thousand years ago, and no battle I fight, no struggle I endure, no sin I commit can undo what was accomplished on the cross. And that's really beautiful, even when the battle is rough and the struggles are messy, because victory was claimed for me. Truly, truly I cannot lose.
I adapted this from an FCA email:
1. Be a David . . . Courageously defend your flock against the lionsand bears of the world.
2. Be a David . . . Be willing to fight the Goliaths in life, one stone at a time.
3. Be a David . . . Be a loyal friend no matter what the situation.
4. Be a David . . . Be ready to lead, regardless of your age or status.
5. Be a David . . . Face your failures and own up to them.
6. Be a David . . . Never take forgiveness lightly or take a blessing for granted.
7. Be a David . . . Learn from your mistakes.
8. Be a David . . . Strive to develop trust and faith in your brothers and sisters in Christ, because in the battles you cannot fight on your own, they'll have your back.
9. Be a David . . . Create an unchangeable belief in God's faithfulness.
10. Be a David . . . Chase success, but pursue God's heart.
One thing that I thought about was that I don't always fight my battle with that unfailing confidence. David looked at the giant and said, "You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the LORD will hand you over to me, and I'll strike you down and cut off your head. Today I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds of the air and the beasts of the earth, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel. All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the LORD saves; for the battle is the LORD's, and he will give all of you into our hands." (1 Samuel 17:45-47) Today, I think confidence in the power of the Lord looks slightly different. To me, it means believing completely that my salvation was secured two thousand years ago, and no battle I fight, no struggle I endure, no sin I commit can undo what was accomplished on the cross. And that's really beautiful, even when the battle is rough and the struggles are messy, because victory was claimed for me. Truly, truly I cannot lose.
I adapted this from an FCA email:
1. Be a David . . . Courageously defend your flock against the lionsand bears of the world.
2. Be a David . . . Be willing to fight the Goliaths in life, one stone at a time.
3. Be a David . . . Be a loyal friend no matter what the situation.
4. Be a David . . . Be ready to lead, regardless of your age or status.
5. Be a David . . . Face your failures and own up to them.
6. Be a David . . . Never take forgiveness lightly or take a blessing for granted.
7. Be a David . . . Learn from your mistakes.
8. Be a David . . . Strive to develop trust and faith in your brothers and sisters in Christ, because in the battles you cannot fight on your own, they'll have your back.
9. Be a David . . . Create an unchangeable belief in God's faithfulness.
10. Be a David . . . Chase success, but pursue God's heart.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
It's Been A While...
It's been wayyyy too long since I last posted. Life's been hectic and crazy (maybe that was redundant). I have tons that I could write about but I'm not sure I have the energy to try to make it suscinct and understandable.
Here's the quickest version of life in Lindsay-land recently:
-trip to San Francisco with my mom and sister...
-got an internship for five or six weeks with the NC Academy of Trial Lawyers, where I am helping draft a practical manual on the rules of evidence for courtroom attorneys...uhh... I don't know what that means; all I know is I sit at my desk and type for eight or nine hours a day.
-I have plantar fasciitis, a condition where you tear some ligament or tendon that runs from your heel to your big toe; the problem is that when you tear it, there is no bruising or swelling or any real pain, just maybe some tenderness. But your body still responds as though there is an injury (which, there is...it just doesn't have symptoms we tend to notice) and so a few weeks or months later, you start not being able to put weight on your heel...why? because there are little pockets of blood clustering around your heel and causing inflamation. You can treat it through stuff like icing it, staying off of it, wearing a splint/brace at night, wearing orthodics in your shoes, etc. But for six months, there's still going to be pain, pain that is present whether you are sitting down, lying down, standing up, walking or whatever.
-CA training at school starts August 7.
-I have changed my major-- again. This time to social work, with a double minor (that could become a double major with one minor) in psychology and Spanish.
-My schedule for next semester looks like this:
Monday
10-10:50am SPA 315, Spanish Composition
11-11:50am STA 108, Statistics
12-12:50pm PSY 230, Biological Psychology
1-1:50pm SOC 101, Sociology
Tuesday
11-12:15pm PSY 265, Theories of Personality
1-3:50pm SWK 215, Intro to Social Work
Wednesday
10-10:50am SPA 315, Spanish Composition
11-11:50am STA 108, Statistics
12-12:50pm PSY 230, Biological Psychology
1-1:50pm SOC 101, Sociology
Thursday
11-12:15pm PSY 265, Theories of Personality
12:30-3:20pm BIO 105L, Biology lab
Friday
10-10:50am SPA 315, Spanish Composition
11-11:50am STA 108, Statistics
12-12:50pm PSY 230, Biological Psychology
1-1:50pm SOC 101, Sociology
I guess that's all the stuff that I can jot down really quickly. I'll try to be more diligent about posting...
Here's the quickest version of life in Lindsay-land recently:
-trip to San Francisco with my mom and sister...
-got an internship for five or six weeks with the NC Academy of Trial Lawyers, where I am helping draft a practical manual on the rules of evidence for courtroom attorneys...uhh... I don't know what that means; all I know is I sit at my desk and type for eight or nine hours a day.
-I have plantar fasciitis, a condition where you tear some ligament or tendon that runs from your heel to your big toe; the problem is that when you tear it, there is no bruising or swelling or any real pain, just maybe some tenderness. But your body still responds as though there is an injury (which, there is...it just doesn't have symptoms we tend to notice) and so a few weeks or months later, you start not being able to put weight on your heel...why? because there are little pockets of blood clustering around your heel and causing inflamation. You can treat it through stuff like icing it, staying off of it, wearing a splint/brace at night, wearing orthodics in your shoes, etc. But for six months, there's still going to be pain, pain that is present whether you are sitting down, lying down, standing up, walking or whatever.
-CA training at school starts August 7.
-I have changed my major-- again. This time to social work, with a double minor (that could become a double major with one minor) in psychology and Spanish.
-My schedule for next semester looks like this:
Monday
10-10:50am SPA 315, Spanish Composition
11-11:50am STA 108, Statistics
12-12:50pm PSY 230, Biological Psychology
1-1:50pm SOC 101, Sociology
Tuesday
11-12:15pm PSY 265, Theories of Personality
1-3:50pm SWK 215, Intro to Social Work
Wednesday
10-10:50am SPA 315, Spanish Composition
11-11:50am STA 108, Statistics
12-12:50pm PSY 230, Biological Psychology
1-1:50pm SOC 101, Sociology
Thursday
11-12:15pm PSY 265, Theories of Personality
12:30-3:20pm BIO 105L, Biology lab
Friday
10-10:50am SPA 315, Spanish Composition
11-11:50am STA 108, Statistics
12-12:50pm PSY 230, Biological Psychology
1-1:50pm SOC 101, Sociology
I guess that's all the stuff that I can jot down really quickly. I'll try to be more diligent about posting...
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
We Pray for the Students
I wrote this poem, loosely based off of the format for "We Pray for the Children" in response to the tragedy on the campus of Virginia Tech on April 16, 2007.
We Pray for the Students
We pray for the students
whose tears are on our tv screens
who are afraid to be on campus
whose worst nightmare became a reality
We pray for the students
Whose cries are heard by God
Whose courage saved the lives of others
Whose hope gives strength to us
We pray for the students
Whose families were worried
Who close their eyes and can’t fall asleep
Who lost a best friend
Who will be scarred forever
We pray for the students
Who will find forgiveness
And for those who won’t
For those who will turn to faith
And for those who will never stop feeling the loss
We pray for the students
Whose hearts are broken
Whose lives are shattered
Who are existing only in fear
We pray for the students
Who didn’t get a second chance
And for those who will live in the shadow of the memory of those who died
And for those who will feel guilty for being survivors
And for those who can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel
And for those who can and are clinging to the hope that it provides
We pray for the students
Whose wounds are open and raw
Whose emotions are overwhelming
Whose hearts are broken and hurting
Whose minds are racing, raging, reliving
Whose lives were shattered
Whose future will never be the same
We pray for the students
Whose faces break our hearts
Whose loss makes us count our blessings
Whose strength provides an example
We pray for the students
Who will walk the campus again
Who will sit at desks again
Who will attend lectures again
Who will live in dorms again
Who will look one another in the eye again
Who will believe in their future again
Who will find hope in the promise of tomorrow.
We pray for the students.
We Pray for the Students
We pray for the students
whose tears are on our tv screens
who are afraid to be on campus
whose worst nightmare became a reality
We pray for the students
Whose cries are heard by God
Whose courage saved the lives of others
Whose hope gives strength to us
We pray for the students
Whose families were worried
Who close their eyes and can’t fall asleep
Who lost a best friend
Who will be scarred forever
We pray for the students
Who will find forgiveness
And for those who won’t
For those who will turn to faith
And for those who will never stop feeling the loss
We pray for the students
Whose hearts are broken
Whose lives are shattered
Who are existing only in fear
We pray for the students
Who didn’t get a second chance
And for those who will live in the shadow of the memory of those who died
And for those who will feel guilty for being survivors
And for those who can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel
And for those who can and are clinging to the hope that it provides
We pray for the students
Whose wounds are open and raw
Whose emotions are overwhelming
Whose hearts are broken and hurting
Whose minds are racing, raging, reliving
Whose lives were shattered
Whose future will never be the same
We pray for the students
Whose faces break our hearts
Whose loss makes us count our blessings
Whose strength provides an example
We pray for the students
Who will walk the campus again
Who will sit at desks again
Who will attend lectures again
Who will live in dorms again
Who will look one another in the eye again
Who will believe in their future again
Who will find hope in the promise of tomorrow.
We pray for the students.
Monday, April 16, 2007
The Same God
I got in Karen's car today around 1:30pm, and she greeted me and then asked if I had heard what happened. Uh...I wanted to say...that's kinda vague. At Virginia Tech, she continued. Nope, I still didn't know. I wondered for a moment, though, because her fiance lives and works at VT. It's not as though I'm an uninformed person. MSNBC news is my homepage, and I read world and US news daily, but as of the time I left my room this morning, there was nothing particularly newsworthy regarding VT. Karen then told me what had happened.
I wanted to cry but the tears never came. But my eyes got swollen and puffy just the same. And I wanted to cry out and ask God why this happened, how He could allow this to happen...and why so many people that I loved and cared about, though not killed, were still emotionally scarred from this. The rest of the day, I wrestled with how it could be that my campus was safe and secure, that I was out of harm's way, that I had been spared when it could so easily have been our campus. And I wrestled with how the same God that ordained snow in Virginia this morning could allow this to happen. And that's when God opened my heart to try to understand... that the same God who ordained snow may have let this happen, but He is also the same God who will be glorified in this, who never left those classrooms when one individual was wreaking havoc on so many innocent lives; yes, the same God who overcame sin on the cross is precisely the same God who was present on the campus on Viriginia Tech today amid the horror, and He is the same God who cries with His people and who will hear their sorrow and will heal them.
And no, I don't understand why it happened. But I understand that God doesn't ever change. And God also doesn't disappear in the "dark" places, where evil is present. And so amidst my sadness for my friends at VT and for the loss of life and for the loss on innocence on that campus, amid the fear and the anger, and the confusion, I found comfort. I found comfort in the Comforter. I found peace in the Prince of Peace. And I found hope in the Almighty.
My soul thirsts for God,
for the living God...
My tears have been my food,
day and night,
while they say to me continually,
"Where is your God?"
These things I remember,
as I pour out my soul...
Hope in God; for I shall again praise
Him...
By day the Lord commands His steadfast
love,
and at night His song is with me,
a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God, my rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning
because of the oppression of the enemy?"
...
Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him,
my salvation and my God.
(Parts of Psalm 42)
I wanted to cry but the tears never came. But my eyes got swollen and puffy just the same. And I wanted to cry out and ask God why this happened, how He could allow this to happen...and why so many people that I loved and cared about, though not killed, were still emotionally scarred from this. The rest of the day, I wrestled with how it could be that my campus was safe and secure, that I was out of harm's way, that I had been spared when it could so easily have been our campus. And I wrestled with how the same God that ordained snow in Virginia this morning could allow this to happen. And that's when God opened my heart to try to understand... that the same God who ordained snow may have let this happen, but He is also the same God who will be glorified in this, who never left those classrooms when one individual was wreaking havoc on so many innocent lives; yes, the same God who overcame sin on the cross is precisely the same God who was present on the campus on Viriginia Tech today amid the horror, and He is the same God who cries with His people and who will hear their sorrow and will heal them.
And no, I don't understand why it happened. But I understand that God doesn't ever change. And God also doesn't disappear in the "dark" places, where evil is present. And so amidst my sadness for my friends at VT and for the loss of life and for the loss on innocence on that campus, amid the fear and the anger, and the confusion, I found comfort. I found comfort in the Comforter. I found peace in the Prince of Peace. And I found hope in the Almighty.
My soul thirsts for God,
for the living God...
My tears have been my food,
day and night,
while they say to me continually,
"Where is your God?"
These things I remember,
as I pour out my soul...
Hope in God; for I shall again praise
Him...
By day the Lord commands His steadfast
love,
and at night His song is with me,
a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God, my rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning
because of the oppression of the enemy?"
...
Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him,
my salvation and my God.
(Parts of Psalm 42)
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Beautiful
I am posting so infrequently. There's a lot on my mind, from school to family, to friends, to God, etc. I applied for leadership with IV and was offered a position, but I'm still in the process of praying about whether or not to accept it. Karen has graciously understood this and told me not to worry about making a decision and to simply listen to God. I got chosen as an alternate for a CA/RA position, which is good and bad I suppose. School work is stressing me out. In fact, I'm stressed about a lot of things and I think sometimes I am easy to hold myself to the world's standards, especially the standards of my family and friends, rather than allow myself grace. It's so very difficult to learn to do this. I am really working on putting my identity in Christ and not in people.
I found this song by Bethany Dillon that I think pretty much sums up how I feel...
I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep
'cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me
Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life
I want to be beautiful
Make You stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear You say
who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful
I want to be beautiful
Make You stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear You say
who I am is quite enoughJust want to be worthy of love
And beautiful
Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory
You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart,
and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love
and beautiful
I found this song by Bethany Dillon that I think pretty much sums up how I feel...
I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep
'cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me
Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life
I want to be beautiful
Make You stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear You say
who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful
I want to be beautiful
Make You stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear You say
who I am is quite enoughJust want to be worthy of love
And beautiful
Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory
You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart,
and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love
and beautiful
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Rest
I go constantly. I know I do. There isn't any denying it or pretending that it doesn't happen. From the time I get out of bed in the morning until my head hits the pillow, I am usually going about 100 miles an hour. And even when I am sitting down, like in class or at a meal, my thoughts, at least, are still racing and usually I am fidgeting and antsy until I can move around again. But mostly it's not the physical moving around and busy days, it's the emotional and mental craziness that is my life.
I got a pamphlet thingy from the IV office entitled Silence and Solitude. The title alone was enough to "scare" me. I don't like to think about my life minus the craziness or what it would look like to give myself a break. Robert Howe came to IV last week and talked about the Sabbath. I have a really hard time with the Sabbath because the way it was first presented to me was as a list of rules (this was not Robert's talk, however), and rules, although I like the structure they bring, are very stressful because rules get broken and that equals disorder and chaos and a failure to live up to something. The other problem with the Sabbath is that I have this notion that the world will inevitably stop turning and things will fall apart if I am not holding everything together every second of every day. That's not true, and somewhere I know that it's not...but I also like the idea, however false it may be, that I have some control over whether or not things fall apart.
Anyway, Robert talked about how the Sabbath is a celebration. In Ezekiel it also says: "Moreover, I gave them My Sabbaths, as a sign between Me and them, that they might know that I am the Lord who sanctifies them." -Ezekiel 20:12
Hebrews says this:
"The promise of entering His rest still stands...let us therefore strive to enter that rest." -Hebrews 1,11
"The promise of entering His rest still stands...let us therefore strive to enter that rest." -Hebrews 1,11
I realized that by assuming that I needed to be busy every day of the week in order that nothing would fall apart, I was saying to God that I didn't believe He was sovereign and powerful, almighty and perfect. I was basically saying that He needed me to help Him out. Learning to rest is hard. Learning to rest is humbling. Learning to rest is renewing. Learning to rest is something we are called to do.
Psalm 23:3 says: "He restores my soul." It doesn't say I can restore my own soul. It doesn't say that my soul will restore itself; it doesn't say that things of this world will restore my soul. God will. God is faithful and merciful and He calls us to sit at His feet and celebrate the gift He gives us of rest for our crazy lives.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
We Pray for the Children
This has been my favorite poem since I was in fourth grade. It's been on my heart a lot lately, and I decided to post it.
We pray for the children:
who put chocolate fingers everywhere,
who like to be tickled,
who stomp in puddles and ruin their new pants,
who sneak popsicles before supper,
who erase holes in math workbooks,
who can never find their shoes.
And we pray for those:
who stare at photographers from behind barbed wire,
who can't bound down the street in a new pair of sneakers,
who have never had crayons to count,
who are born in places where we wouldn't be caught dead,
who never go to the circus,
who live in an X-rated world.
We pray for the children:
who bring us sticky kisses and fistfuls of dandelions,
who sleep with the dog and bury the goldfish,
who hug us in a hurry and forget their lunch money,
who cover themselves in Band-Aids and sing off-key,
who squeeze toothpaste all over the sink,
who slurp their soup.
And we pray for those:
who never get dessert,
who have no safe blanket to drag behind them,
who watch their parents watch them die,
who can't find any bread to steal,
who don't have any rooms to clean up,
whose pictures aren't on anybody's dresser,
whose monsters are real.
We pray for children:
who spend all their allowance before Tuesday,
who throw tantrums in the grocery store and pick at their food,
who like ghost stories,
who shove dirty clothes under the bed,
who never rinse the tub,
who get visits from the tooth fairy,
who don't like to be kissed in front of the carpool,
who squirm in church and scream in the phone,
who tears we sometimes laugh at,
and whose smiles can make us cry.
And we pray for those:
whose nightmares come in the daytime,
who will eat anything,
who have never seen a dentist,
who aren't spoiled by anybody,
who go to bed hungry and cry themselves to sleep,
who live and move, but have no being.
We pray for children:
who want to be carried and for those who must,
who we never give up on,
and for those who don't get a second chance.
For those we smother...
and for those who will grab the hand of anybody kind enough to offer it.
We pray for the children.
We pray for the children:
who put chocolate fingers everywhere,
who like to be tickled,
who stomp in puddles and ruin their new pants,
who sneak popsicles before supper,
who erase holes in math workbooks,
who can never find their shoes.
And we pray for those:
who stare at photographers from behind barbed wire,
who can't bound down the street in a new pair of sneakers,
who have never had crayons to count,
who are born in places where we wouldn't be caught dead,
who never go to the circus,
who live in an X-rated world.
We pray for the children:
who bring us sticky kisses and fistfuls of dandelions,
who sleep with the dog and bury the goldfish,
who hug us in a hurry and forget their lunch money,
who cover themselves in Band-Aids and sing off-key,
who squeeze toothpaste all over the sink,
who slurp their soup.
And we pray for those:
who never get dessert,
who have no safe blanket to drag behind them,
who watch their parents watch them die,
who can't find any bread to steal,
who don't have any rooms to clean up,
whose pictures aren't on anybody's dresser,
whose monsters are real.
We pray for children:
who spend all their allowance before Tuesday,
who throw tantrums in the grocery store and pick at their food,
who like ghost stories,
who shove dirty clothes under the bed,
who never rinse the tub,
who get visits from the tooth fairy,
who don't like to be kissed in front of the carpool,
who squirm in church and scream in the phone,
who tears we sometimes laugh at,
and whose smiles can make us cry.
And we pray for those:
whose nightmares come in the daytime,
who will eat anything,
who have never seen a dentist,
who aren't spoiled by anybody,
who go to bed hungry and cry themselves to sleep,
who live and move, but have no being.
We pray for children:
who want to be carried and for those who must,
who we never give up on,
and for those who don't get a second chance.
For those we smother...
and for those who will grab the hand of anybody kind enough to offer it.
We pray for the children.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Wait Training
I like the idea of "wait training." It's this idea that I got from FCA about how we have to really practice waiting on God and allowing His timing to control our lives. We honestly live in a world of drive-throughs, of instant oatmeal and of speedy conveniences. (And believe me, I am just as attached to having my weather pop up on Google every morning...) Everything these days is so accessible, readily available. God is the most readily available, but often His timing doesn't line up exactly with ours. And that's when we get frustrated. We're interested in momentary satisfaction, in instant gratification. Whether we're ready for God to answer a prayer or to make a clear statement of direction in our lives, we want to hear Him and we want to hear Him NOW.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths." -Proverbs 3:5-6 (ESV)
Here's an example: the story of Jacob and Esau. Esau "came in from the field, and he was exhausted. And Esau said to Jacob, "Let me eat some of that red stew, for I am exhausted." Jacob said, "Sell me your birthright now." Esau said, "I am about to die; of what use is a birthright to me?'" (Genesis 25: 29-32, ESV) Esau needed momentary gratification. He wasn't interested in the long-term consequences of what he chose to do. We have this saying that we use from the speaker at Cornerstone: "Don't touch the red stuff," which refers to the stew that Jacob was cooking. I was thinking the other day about the example of dating, but I had to relate it to something more concrete so I used money. Here's what I thought about...and this might not make any sense at all...Okay, so imagine if God held up a ten dollar bill and said to you, "You can have this ten dollar bill right now, or I can promise you that in five years, if you don't take the ten dollars now, you can have a million dollars." I wanted to relate this to other things in life, to waiting for God's best and not settling for anything less. Here's the difference, though. God doesn't hold up the five-years-from-now option. We see the here and now, and we don't see what is offered in the future. And I think that might be why it's so hard to wait for God's timing and to not settle for anything less than the best God has in store for us.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight." -2 Corinthians 5:7, ESV
Second, I'm going to look at the story of Lazarus. (John 11) Mary tells Jesus that Lazarus is ill, but Jesus stays where he is (out of town, basically) for two extra days. Lazarus dies, but Jesus raises him from the dead. Here comes Jesus, days late, but He's still on time. God's timing is always perfect.
The last thing I wanted to look at is from Mark chapter 1. There are a lot of references to time in this chapter, and in the ESV translation, the word "immediately" appears again and again. But basically, Jesus is going around doing some pretty incredible things, from preaching the gospel to telling Simon and Andrew to follow Him, to casting demons out of a man, to healing Simon's mother-in-law, Mary, to cleansing a leper. But in the middle of all of that, He takes time off by himself to pray. Simon and the others are freaking out because everyone wants to see Jesus, and here's Jesus hanging out with God and praying. I think it's interesting because I don't think Jesus really needed to go off somewhere to talk to God, because He was God, so His connection to the Father is inherent. I think He did this, a) to demonstrate to us the importance for rest and solitude and constant communication with God and b) to exemplify this idea of God's timing. If God wasn't ready for Jesus to continue healing people and ministering to everyone, then Jesus would wait.
"Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" -Psalm 27:14 (ESV)
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths." -Proverbs 3:5-6 (ESV)
Here's an example: the story of Jacob and Esau. Esau "came in from the field, and he was exhausted. And Esau said to Jacob, "Let me eat some of that red stew, for I am exhausted." Jacob said, "Sell me your birthright now." Esau said, "I am about to die; of what use is a birthright to me?'" (Genesis 25: 29-32, ESV) Esau needed momentary gratification. He wasn't interested in the long-term consequences of what he chose to do. We have this saying that we use from the speaker at Cornerstone: "Don't touch the red stuff," which refers to the stew that Jacob was cooking. I was thinking the other day about the example of dating, but I had to relate it to something more concrete so I used money. Here's what I thought about...and this might not make any sense at all...Okay, so imagine if God held up a ten dollar bill and said to you, "You can have this ten dollar bill right now, or I can promise you that in five years, if you don't take the ten dollars now, you can have a million dollars." I wanted to relate this to other things in life, to waiting for God's best and not settling for anything less. Here's the difference, though. God doesn't hold up the five-years-from-now option. We see the here and now, and we don't see what is offered in the future. And I think that might be why it's so hard to wait for God's timing and to not settle for anything less than the best God has in store for us.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight." -2 Corinthians 5:7, ESV
Second, I'm going to look at the story of Lazarus. (John 11) Mary tells Jesus that Lazarus is ill, but Jesus stays where he is (out of town, basically) for two extra days. Lazarus dies, but Jesus raises him from the dead. Here comes Jesus, days late, but He's still on time. God's timing is always perfect.
The last thing I wanted to look at is from Mark chapter 1. There are a lot of references to time in this chapter, and in the ESV translation, the word "immediately" appears again and again. But basically, Jesus is going around doing some pretty incredible things, from preaching the gospel to telling Simon and Andrew to follow Him, to casting demons out of a man, to healing Simon's mother-in-law, Mary, to cleansing a leper. But in the middle of all of that, He takes time off by himself to pray. Simon and the others are freaking out because everyone wants to see Jesus, and here's Jesus hanging out with God and praying. I think it's interesting because I don't think Jesus really needed to go off somewhere to talk to God, because He was God, so His connection to the Father is inherent. I think He did this, a) to demonstrate to us the importance for rest and solitude and constant communication with God and b) to exemplify this idea of God's timing. If God wasn't ready for Jesus to continue healing people and ministering to everyone, then Jesus would wait.
"Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" -Psalm 27:14 (ESV)
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Amazing Grace
I went to see Amanzing Grace, the movie, with Laura Jo last night. The movie was outstanding, though they never sang the entire hymn the whole way through. At the end, though, the hymn is played by bagpipes, and even though I didn't cry during any of the movie, I started crying while the bagpipes played. The movie, again, was outstanding, and I highly, highly, highly recommend it. T
he movie showed me a bunch of different things that I don't always think about enough. 1) Abraham Lincoln ended slavery in the United States, but years before that, thanks to the dedication and perseverance of a few individuals who were willing to stand up for what they believed, the slave trade was outlawed. 2) Slavery is something that repulses me completely, as it does most of us. But the truth is that there is such a thing as modern-day slavery, and if nothing else, we ought to be praying for those fellow human beings who are oppressed and controlled by others.
he movie showed me a bunch of different things that I don't always think about enough. 1) Abraham Lincoln ended slavery in the United States, but years before that, thanks to the dedication and perseverance of a few individuals who were willing to stand up for what they believed, the slave trade was outlawed. 2) Slavery is something that repulses me completely, as it does most of us. But the truth is that there is such a thing as modern-day slavery, and if nothing else, we ought to be praying for those fellow human beings who are oppressed and controlled by others.Here are a few quotations from the movie that I especially liked:
-after two young men race across a field, they start to walk back toward the house. "Why is it that thorns only hurt when you stop running?"
-after two young men race across a field, they start to walk back toward the house. "Why is it that thorns only hurt when you stop running?"
-the same two young men are talking about climbing the ranks in parliament and making a difference:
"No one of our age [has ever done it]."
"Which is why we're too young to realize that some things are impossible."
-"Although my memory is fading, I remember two things very clearly. I am a great sinner and Christ is a great savior."
Friday, March 09, 2007
Thursday, March 08, 2007
All for Love's Sake Became Poor
I'm sitting under an overpass, between the clay earth and the concrete that comprises the bridge. There are four other students around me and a volunteer. The man we're talking to is homeless. He's a little intoxicated and so his speech is slurred. I'm only catching about 90% of what he's saying. All of his earthly possessions surround him and the smell of alcohol fills the air. It's maybe ten o'clock at night. We've brought him a hot meal and some snacks, but what he really wants, I soon realize is just some company. So we listen. And we talk. We talk about God, about mistakes, about life. Cars whiz by overhead and he looks at me. "Do you believe in God?" "Yes," I tell him. "Do you love me?" "Yes," I tell him, "because God has loved me and has taught me how to love." I wanted to tell him that everything would be okay. That tomorrow would surely be better. But I realized that this sort of hope can only come from faith in Jesus Christ, from the truth that "our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all" (2 Cor. 4:17). How do you explain to someone who has nothing and is lonely that God can and will provide...how do you tell them to believe in something that they don't see evidence of?
I was frustrated. The best way to explain this frustration is to use a metaphor. The board game Monopoly. All twenty-something of us GUPYs got into small groups on Saturday night and played Monopoly. There were three rules: 1) regular Monopoly rules apply; 2) you cannot quit, you can lose, but you can't quit; 3) whatever the "leader" (four staff workers, one for each group) says, goes. Basically, what happened was that three of us only got a few dollars when we passed GO, while the others got $500 or something. The "privileged" people could build houses on properties, even if they didn't have the complete set; they could build double hotels on their properties, and buy hotels for merely the price of a house. The rest of us were "taxed" at random times, and quickly lost our money either to the "system" or to the wealthier players. In the game, I was at a disadvantage and quickly wanted to give up. I was tired of not being able to take a step forward...like the cartoon characters who run on the rug that just piles up behind them, I got nowhere. Meanwhile, the privileged players were asking why we didn't just "try harder." As though the roll of the dice was in our control, as though the system actually noticed whether we tried or not.
But in real life, I was left wondering why I was one who got more when I passed GO...why others got so little...
King of all days, Oh so highly exalted
Glorious in Heaven above
Humbly, You came to the earth You created
All for love's sake became poor.
At GUPY, I re-learned about Reconciliation, Redistribution and Relocation. Christ is the ultimate example of these three. In coming to earth, He gave up His place in Heaven to become man. He would experience pain, temptation, suffering, etc. That's serious relocation, and all for the sake of reconciling us to God the Father. As for us, the Gospel is worth whatever the cost is for us to follow Christ's example. I'm still trying to digest everything from GUPY, so I'll try to post some more later.
I was frustrated. The best way to explain this frustration is to use a metaphor. The board game Monopoly. All twenty-something of us GUPYs got into small groups on Saturday night and played Monopoly. There were three rules: 1) regular Monopoly rules apply; 2) you cannot quit, you can lose, but you can't quit; 3) whatever the "leader" (four staff workers, one for each group) says, goes. Basically, what happened was that three of us only got a few dollars when we passed GO, while the others got $500 or something. The "privileged" people could build houses on properties, even if they didn't have the complete set; they could build double hotels on their properties, and buy hotels for merely the price of a house. The rest of us were "taxed" at random times, and quickly lost our money either to the "system" or to the wealthier players. In the game, I was at a disadvantage and quickly wanted to give up. I was tired of not being able to take a step forward...like the cartoon characters who run on the rug that just piles up behind them, I got nowhere. Meanwhile, the privileged players were asking why we didn't just "try harder." As though the roll of the dice was in our control, as though the system actually noticed whether we tried or not.
But in real life, I was left wondering why I was one who got more when I passed GO...why others got so little...
King of all days, Oh so highly exalted
Glorious in Heaven above
Humbly, You came to the earth You created
All for love's sake became poor.
At GUPY, I re-learned about Reconciliation, Redistribution and Relocation. Christ is the ultimate example of these three. In coming to earth, He gave up His place in Heaven to become man. He would experience pain, temptation, suffering, etc. That's serious relocation, and all for the sake of reconciling us to God the Father. As for us, the Gospel is worth whatever the cost is for us to follow Christ's example. I'm still trying to digest everything from GUPY, so I'll try to post some more later.
Friday, March 02, 2007
Isaiah 55:10-12
For as the rain and the snow come
down from heaven
and do not return there but water the
earth,
making it bring forth and sprout,
giving seed to the sower and bread to
the eater,
so shall my word be that goes out from
My mouth
it shall not return to Me empty,
but it shall accomplish that which I
purpose,
and shall succeed in the thing for
which I sent it.
For you shall go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and the hills before you
shall break forth into singing,
and all the trees of the field shall clap
their hands.
-Isaiah 55:10-12 (ESV)
down from heaven
and do not return there but water the
earth,
making it bring forth and sprout,
giving seed to the sower and bread to
the eater,
so shall my word be that goes out from
My mouth
it shall not return to Me empty,
but it shall accomplish that which I
purpose,
and shall succeed in the thing for
which I sent it.
For you shall go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and the hills before you
shall break forth into singing,
and all the trees of the field shall clap
their hands.
-Isaiah 55:10-12 (ESV)
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