The Motions

No regrets, not this time. I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind.


-"The Motions," Matthew West

His

Intervarsity has been a huge part of my life since I entered college, and it became an even bigger part of my life when I applied to be on leadership at the end of my freshman year. Since then, it has been one of the hardest and best experiences of my life.

Now, as our chapter faces a tumultuous future in the next few months, I found myself trying to take on responsibility for everyone and everything. Somehow I thought I could hold everything together, make it all okay, and keep everything under control on my own. The worst wasn't that I thought I could-- it was that I thought I had to.

I felt this burden of responsibility to make sure the chapter kept breathing, kept going, kept...whatever...in the face of an uncertain few months. I thought that God had allowed the "worst case scenario" to come true and I thought it was up to me to fix everything.

I thought I could single-handedly (or maybe not single-handedly, but at least partially) carry our chapter through this. I realized that I had taken control from the God of the Universe. I thought that He couldn't or wouldn't see us through this. I thought that the Creator would allow our chapter to self-destruct. I thought the Healer would never restore our chapter. I thought the Almighty could fix other people's problems and attend to other people's needs, but that I would be the one to see Intervarsity through.

And God showed me something...(surprise surprise). If I am on leadership or not, Intervarsity is His. If I go to meetings or gatherings, Intervarsity is His. If I want to serve or not, Intervarsity is His. And in the midst of this trial, Intervarsity is His. He reminded me of His faithfulness. Of His goodness. Of His nearness. And of His love. And when I realized how sinful it was to think that I was so amazing that I had to take care of everything and everyone, He reminded me of His mercy and forgiveness.

The Chapter is His.
The University is His.
The world is His.
I am His.

And whether I have it together, whether I am hurting, whether I am leading, whether I am scared, whether I am ready, whether I understand, He is there. And He is in control.

My Heart Will Choose to Say...

"God is too wise to be mistaken. God is too good to be unkind. So when you dont understand, when you dont see His plan, When you cant trace His hand, trust His heart." ~Babbie Mason

I don't know what to say. I'm so frustrated with everything that's gone on. Drew and I broke up. I found out that my ovary isn't where it's supposed to be, meaning I'll have surgeries in the near future and may have a lot of trouble ever having children, if I can at all. Our Intervarsity Chapter is going through a very difficult and rough transition, and I feel like a huge burden is on me to carry us through because I will be on leadership all next year, and I have been serving the longest of anyone currently on leadership. And to boot, I have mono, so I am exhausted constantly and have not really processed anything emotionally because physically it's hard to just get through the day.

I don't know how to see the bigger picture and frankly, I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of asking why, of being frustrated, of the tears, of the heartache, and of the wondering when the next "blow" will be dealt.

I'm trying to trust, to have faith. But I'm really struggling.

"Who can hold the stars and my weary heart?
Who can see everything?
I've fallen so hard, sometimes I feel so far
But not beyond Your reach.
...Whatever's in front of me, help me to sing Hallelujah."

Remembering...

My professor for my social work class on diversity and vulernable populations sent me this cartoon. Read the entire thing carefully-- it's powerful.

Love

I've been told that being in a relationship with someone will teach you to love more selflessly.

It's also taught me how to let myself be loved.

And how to love myself.

Apple juice??

Last night I was babysitting for a family that I babysit for pretty regularly. There are three children: a girl, age 10; a boy age 8; and another boy age 2. We were hanging out in the living room, when the 8 year old noticed flashing blue lights outside the window. Well, of course, what ever game we were playing instantly became less interesting than the two police cars outside.

Apparently, the officers had pulled a car over, most likely for a speeding or seat-belt infraction. But the older children wondered aloud why there needed to be two police cars on the scene. The ten year old suggested that maybe the person in the car had been drinking.

The two year old, piped up immediately with: "Yeah! Yeah! Him drinking apple juice."

A World of Newness

I feel like 2009 is going to be a year of "newness" for me.

I am learning what it looks like to have and sort of lose your best friend to marriage, and at the same time I am learning what it looks like to nurture that friendship all the more because it shouldn't fizzle out because she's getting married.

I am learning what it looks like to be in a relationship, the ups and downs, the apologies, the laughter, the adventure, and the beauty of it all.

I am learning what it means to be one of the oldest people in the IV Chapter, and how that affects my position, both as a leader and as a follower.

I am learning what it means to find happiness independently of others-- don't get me wrong, having friends and others in my life greatly contribute but I can be independently happy.

It's a new season, and this one is filled with lots of transition, growth, revelation and adventure. And I'm embracing it day by day.

Worth seeing

Drew loves movies. Seriously. And since he works almost 80 hours per week, the only consistent time we have together is Saturday from around 11am until 4pm, when he heads off to work again. That gives us enough time to wander around Barnes and Noble and then go see a movie.

The last two movies we've seen together were Taken and He's Just Not That Into You. I liked both of them, although they are very different movies. Taken is more action-oriented with a lot of violence and killing, but I have to say I teared up at the end. Drew loved the movie, and as we were walking out and discussing our takes on it, he said, "One thing, though." "What's that?" I asked. "No daughters." First of all, we're not nearly there in our relationship, but it cracked me up. I reminded him that biologically the man's genes decide the gender of the child, and then my curiosity got the best of me. "Why not?" I asked; I've always wanted a daughter (not that I don't want boys). "Because, I'd be too afraid to let them do anything for fear something would happen to them. I'm afraid I'd smother them being over-protective." Cute.

We went to see He's Just Not That Into You on Valentine's Day, although I protested seeing this movie as a couple at first. In the end though, this movie was really well-made. There are seven main characters and the ending isn't as predictable as you might think. It is a little over two hours, but it's the perfect movie to see if you're going to a movie by yourself, if you're going in a co-ed or all-girls' group (or even all guys), or to go see with your significant other. There were all different types of people there on Valentine's Day: single guys in groups and by themselves, single girls in groups and by themselves, couples of all ages, etc. And with a line-up of Jennifer Anniston, Scarlet Johansen and Ben Affleck, how can you go wrong??

Seeing Myself

Greg talked today at church about how much shame he recently realized he carries and how that shame and brokenness and ineptitude sometimes completely cripples him, that it's difficult for him to live in the reality that Christ loves him regardless.

C.S. Lewis wrote this: "[God] works on us in all sorts of ways. But above all, He works on us through each other. Men are mirrors, or "carriers" of Christ to other men."

The longer I am in "intimate" relationships with others, the more and more I am finding that I am a lot like Greg. There are things about myself that I've been able to hide from myself and certainly from others, that I carry a lot of guilt and shame and hurt from things that I should be free from. But it's also in that relationship that I am beginning to experience healing-- that I am finding that if a finite human can love me inspite of who I am and what I've been through and done, then how much more could a compassionate, good, loving God love me?

Our life is full of brokenness - broken relationships, broken promises, broken expectations. How can we live with that brokenness without becoming bitter and resentful except by returning again and again to God's faithful presence in our lives.

Henri Nouwen

So maybe, for me at least, the fallacy lies not in believing that I can't be loved for who I am, but believing that God (and others) couldn't possibly love me for who I am, in all my messiness. Maybe the error here is that deep down I question whether God is loving and good.

The smallest reflection of God, I'm discovering, can be found, like C.S. Lewis wrote, in others. That they demonstrate finite pieces of an infinite God.

I Don't Understand

I've been at UNCG for almost three years now and yet some things don't change. Whenever there is a traveling preacher who gets on his imaginary or literal soap box to yell at students, my heart breaks. I creep as close as I can bear to the crowd and listen in horror as someone who purports to be a Christian yells insults, mis-construed and out-of-context Bible verses at students. Some students pass by; some intentionally provoke the man; some generally want to engage him because they think they can prove him wrong.

I watch as girls are called sluts and whores because they wear shorts. I watch as young men are told they are going to hell because they sin. I watch as students are told that they have to be PERFECT to get to Heaven. I could go in to the theology of why I believe all of those statements are wrong or out-of-context, but it's not necessary. Not for this post.

The point is that I walk away every single time with tears stinging my eyes, knowing that people are being hurt by a religion whose Savior taught that the greatest commandments were to LOVE God and LOVE others, a religion that teaches that we are not qualified to judge, that even in our messiness, our sin and our brokenness, the God of the universe loves us. I'm angry and sad and frustrated and exhausted all at once.

Pause!

Please, can we just pause for a minute to talk about Grey's Anatomy!? Seriously. If you haven't watched last week's episode, go do that now, and then you can come back and read this blog (and agree with everything I say).


Okay, anyone who watches this show probably wants Derek and Meredith to be together. I mean, maybe they're not PERFECT for each other, but clearly the writers desperately want us to desperately want Dr. Shepherd and Dr. Grey to be together. After last season's stunning finale of Meredith creating a floor plan out of candles on Derek's land, it was clear they were meant to be, and looked like Meredith might be able to get past her emotional basket-caseness long enough to have something good.

So then we find out that Derek's mom gave him an engagement ring so he could propose to Meredith. And after a long saga last week about him trying to find the perfect way to do it, trying to keep it a secret from her, and trying to find out if she was ready, he finally got ready to propose.

And then... he's got the ENTIRETY of their bedroom covered in rose petals (yes, ladies the red ones) and candles and he and McSteamy are finishing it all up. And Derek goes, "She's gonna hate this. It's a cliche." And McSteamy, being the well-meaning, albeit skank of a best friend that he is, responds that cliches are cliches because they worked. So McSteamy says, "Congratulations," or something and leaves.

And we're all on the edge of our seats thinking Meredith is going to come home to Derek on one knee, and say YES. I mean, how could she not????

Then Derek's cell phone rings (and again, we're all thinking it's Meredith about to put a small kink in his plans, but hoping beyond hope that it will still work out). BUT it's not Meredith at all. Derek says into the receiver, "Addison, what's wrong?" (For non-Grey's followers, Addison is his ex-wife... and unless you watch Private Practice making you a cough*traitor*cough, you're supposed to not like her, minus her minimal redeeming qualities).

So the show ends with Meredith coming home to an EMPTY room; she flops down on the bed and her voice-over comes on, like it always does at the beginning and end of the show. And she is hugging the pillow beneath her chest and her facial expressions indicate she found something and...we're all hoping beyond hope that it's a ring and Derek is hiding the closet or something... BUT NO. Meredith pulls out a single rose petal, looks confused, and then the credits roll.

All I have to say is: Seriously? It better not be this difficult in real life.




AND THEN, come to find out today that the rumor is that Katherine Heigl and T.R. Knight are supposedly going to leave the show at the end of this season... which, for any Grey's fans out there, means the show may not go on.


Sigh.

Relationships

There have been things that have surprised me as Drew and I date. But quite possibly the biggest thing is that people are unwilling to be supportive. And what surprises me more is that not only are they unwilling to be supportive (and happy for me), but they won't tell me why they're not.

Here's the thing. Everyone has a very clear concept of what a relationship should look like... and it's funny to me that 9 times out of 10, their concept of how the relationship should start, look, progress, etc. looks far too similar to their own. This is ridiculous.

I am no expert. But neither are the people who can't just get over it and be supportive. There is no one right way to have a relationship-- there are "wrong" ways, but no one right way. So it seems ridiculous to me that people can't just be there for me.

There are three things I want:
1. Trust my judgment. I'm an adult and I'm making good decisions and the right decisions for ME.
2. If you have a problem with Drew or our relationship, feel free to sit down with me and have an honest conversation. But don't just not talk about him when we're hanging out or make snide comments.
3. Try your darndest to be happy for me, to look at me, know that I'm happy and content right now and be excited that I have this.

Okay, I'm done.

Names

Go to: http://www.howmanyofme.com/search/ and type in your first and last name. It's actually really interesting.

The top first names, according to this website are:

1. James
2. John
3. Robert
4. Michael
5. Mary
6. William
7. David
8. Richard
9. Charles
10. Joseph

"Lindsay" is the 536th most popular name in the U.S. And Widenhouse doesn't even make it onto the list, but it is estimated that fewer than 336 people have this last name. I think I know all of them.

"There are 1 or fewer people in the U.S. named Lindsay Widenhouse." I'm pretty sure there's at least 1.

Drew

We're working on getting him to smile...

What I Like About Drew...

So, as many of you are aware, I have started dating a guy named Drew. We're taking it slow, so don't freak out. And for those of you who want to be protective, he's so sweet and nice and treats me very well.

What I like about Drew:
-the way he wants to hold my hand in the car
-that he sends me a text message first thing when he wakes up
-that he is as obsessed with mushrooms as I am
-that he loves to read and learn and is genuinely curious
-that he is protective of me
-that he brought me medicine at work when I wasn't feeling well
-that he is okay spending his lunch hour having lunch with me
-that he's laid back enough to want to watch American Idol and have a picnic dinner on the living room floor, but classy enough to want to get dressed up and go out to dinner together
-that the first thing he would do if he won the lottery is pay off his mom's debt

After One Week...

I've been at my job for a little over a week. I'm enjoying it for the most part; I've only had a couple rough moments thus far.

I had a high bridal conversion, a really good first week of sales, and a decent overall PMP report.

The longer I'm there, the more I am beginning to "own" my job. I've started noticing when things are out of place; I'm getting better at finding a particular gown in rows of hundreds; I walk around the store and straighten the racks just because; I obsess about my paperwork and bridal registrations.

This is good.

Newness...

It's shaping up to look like 2009 is going to be full of a LOT of things that I've never done before, am afraid I'll fail miserably at doing, (and apparently, from reading this sentence thus far, a grand opportunity for a lot of pessimism...lovely), and in general a lot of "scary" things that are going to happen. 

Let's see. 

I start my job at David's Bridal (read the previous post if you want to know how much I'm fretting about that one). 

I am the Oasis Coordinator for Intervarsity. That means I lead a team of people who plan our weekly Large Group meetings for between 60 and 150 people. This includes worship, speaker, announcements, games, emcees, and a whole lot of other things I'm still figuring out. It also means I'm on Exec for IV; both of these are things that I have no idea how to do. I've never even been involved in planning an Oasis meeting before...this should be interesting. 

I have moved into my first apartment. (Read: off-campus, no meal plan). I will need to learn the smaller details of off-campus life: commuting with time to get to park and get to class, grocery shopping and gasp: cooking meals (I'm a good cook; it'll just require more time...), and yadda yadda yadda. 

And this one should be the easiest, but I'm terribly afraid to fail at it. I'm the Maid of Honor in my best friend's wedding. Cool, except that means I plan a bachelorette party, a couple showers, keep her from freaking out the closer we get, etc. 

Anyway, I'm scared. There's so much "new" happening and so much "old" not happening. So much "comfortable" leaving. It reminds me of a Sara Groves song, so once again, I'm going to stop rambling about my life and relate it to a coherently written song:

I don't want to leave here, don't want to stay,

Feels like pinching to me, either way. 

But the places I long for the most are the places where I've been

They are calling out to me, like a long-lost friend.

It's not about losing faith; it's not about trust.

It's all about comfortable when you move so much. 

And the place I was wasn't perfect, but I had found a way to live

And it wasn't milk or honey but then neither is this. 

I've been painting pictures of Egypt, leaving out what it lacks

The future feels so hard and I want to back

But the places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I've learned

And those roads were closed off to me while my back was turned. 

The past is so tangible, I know it by heart.

Familiar things are never easy to discard.

And I was dying for some freedom but now I hesitate to go

I am caught between the "promised" and the things I know. 

And I know that in my inadequacies, God will show up. I know that in most of these things, I won't, and maybe can't, "fail" in the normal sense of the word. I guess the song is really accurate when it says: "I am caught between the 'promised' and the things I know." I'm caught in between what I know, what has become comfortable, even if it wasn't "milk and honey," and the things I know God has in store, that He has promised to work together for good. Why is that concept so hard? 

Terrified...Absolutely

I officially start my job this week. As in, I will be working one-on-one with brides, mothers of brides/grooms, bridal parties...you get the gist. As in, after one hour of sort-of shadowing a bridal consultant who's done this for almost two years, I'm on my own. As in, after 12 hours of training, (read: going through a manual in a group and briefly looking through the stock, which has since changed to feature the Spring Collection), I'm flying solo. 

BAD IDEA. I don't know the new merchandise (I barely knew the old merchandise). I don't know where everything is located. Or how to pick out the perfect tiara and jewelry to "accessorize" the dress. Or how to suggest dress styles based on body type. Or how to take a customer's style preference and suggest more dresses that are similar. Or how to use the cash register. 

And I haven't memorized my employee number yet. AHHHHH. 

I'm terrified. I feel so utterly incompetent. 

Maybe I Am Missing Something...

Right next to Campus is a Walgreens, on the corner. As I was going in the other day, I noticed something that made me stop and wonder...

In front of the stoor, as is so common this time of year, was a Salvation Army employee ringing a bell, asking for donations. And on the street corner was a homeless man, with a sign that said: "Homeless veteran. Anything helps. God bless." And I wondered...how ironic it seemed that the Salvation Army employee stood not forty feet from the homeless veteran, that people were giving money to the employee, that the homeless man continued to be avoided.

I am not in any way doubting the good things that the Salvation Army does in our community, as in many others around the country. I just found it odd.

On a whim...

As many of you know, I have been helping with almost every detail of Laura Jo's wedding-- and enjoying it thoroughly. As a part of that, I went with her to many different bridal shops to try on gowns... and the more I learned, the more the sales associates (or bridal consultants) would just let me do their job for them and leave us alone.

So the other day, my friend Sarah asked me to go with her to David's Bridal to look at gowns for her wedding. I agreed because it's becoming something that I enjoy and that I'm knowledgeable about.

Anyway, the bridal consultant was busy helping someone else and joked around with me about doing her job for her. I joked back, asking if they were hiring. "Yes, we are," she told me. "And you should get an application." I went to the front and got an application and was planning to take it home, and with exams and everything going on right now, I figured, I might get around to this. Besides, what good would an employee discount do me at David's? (actually that thought didn't cross my mind at the time). Anyway, the lady stopped me and told me to fill it out while I was still in the store and went to get the assistant manager, who promptly asked me when the soonest was I could come in for an interview. So, the following day I had an interview with the manager, who asked me two questions and then talked about job duties and my "future at David's Bridal."

I go in to observe on Saturday and then I start training on Sunday. Wow. Who would've thought that I would be a bridal consultant at 20? But apparently I did something right that day because the whole store is talking about me. Lovely.

It's a job and I am so blessed to have found one that will work with my schedule next semester. I'm kind of excited and a little nervous too.